Saturday, October 14, 2006 1:57:40 AM
Fun
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Saturday, October 14, 2006 1:27:03 AM
Fun
# The shortest word for me is I, the sweetest word for me is LOVE, but the only word for me is YOU
# 2 good 2 be 4 gotten
# Ur hot as fire sharp as glass u break my heart ima kick yo ass!
# Nice pants, can I test the zipper?
# To the world you are just one person but to one person you may be the world
# Is that a gun in ur pocket or are you just happy to see me?
# Don't hate the player, hate the game
# Love is when u don't want to go to sleep cuz reality is beta than a dream
# Do you belive in love at first site, or should I walk by again?
# I'm loved by some, hated by many, but wanted by many
# *ToUcH Me* *TeAsE Me* *cOmE On BaBY * pLeAsE Me*
# Can i borrow you library card because i'd like to check you out!
# Kisses spread germs and germs are hated.....so kiss me baby!! I'm vacinated!
# Call me anytime, I won't be home
# I�ve lost my phone number, can I have yours?
# Honk if you love (name), then drive your car into the nearest tree!
# I'm not smiling at you, I'm trying not to laugh!
# Love is blind. I know, because you don't see me
# Guys are air for me, and without air I can't live
# Aren't you tired? You're walking for hours in my head!
# If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right
# Stupid cupid... stop pickin on me!
# Some girls/boys have 7 boys/girls for 7 days but I have one for always
# Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you!
# Love is like war..:: Easy To Start.. Difficult To End..And.. Impossible To Forget..!!
# Love Is More Than Just A Kiss
# Be smart,be clever put me in your heart for ever
# Love is like heaven but it can hurt like hell
# I Close My Eyes And Kiss Your Lips, Then I Go To Paradise
# Love is a Feeling that Lasts Forever..
# You can fall in the water, you can fall off a tree but the best way to fall is to fall in love with me
# Roses are red diaments are plastic, I am great, you are fantastic!
# Don't love me for fun, love me for a reason .. let the reason be love
# You can win me ,you can lose me but try 2 never use me
# Love is the answer, but while you�re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions
# Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
# Love is a slow poison
# Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in
# Accountants are the best lovers. They can do it all night long and keep their balance!
# True Love is like ghosts, Everyone talks about, But very few have seen
Saturday, October 14, 2006 1:13:11 AM
Fun
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
Unite against togetherness!
Reality Sucks! I�m Gonna Keep On Dreamin
If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...
No fear! (NAME) is here!
I Don�t Like The Drugs, But The Drugs Like Me
Life's a bitch. Be its pimp
I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal!
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts
Save a tree, eat a beaver
By the time you read this, you've already read it
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times
I don't curse, drink and smoke. H*ly shit! My cigarette fell in my glass of beer!
Dont steal, the government hates competition
If you hate me, i love you too. It ain't my fault i'm better than you
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Save a horse, ride a Cowboy!
The higher you are, the farther you fall
Intelligence could be instinct which has it at the wrong end When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot
If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?
Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone
I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!
When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better
To alcohol! The cause of and solution to all life's problems
WaNnA PLaY ArMy?? ... Ok! SiT BaCk AnD i'LL BLoW ThE HeLL OuT oF YoU!
I avoid temptation unless I can't resist it
I love work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
When cows laugh, does milk come out of their nose?
Gravity always wins
The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk
There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise
I'm not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings Buy land, they have quit making it!
Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it
Eat healthy, exercise more, still die
Politicians prefer unarmed peasants
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
Women/Men who seek to be equal with men/women lack ambition
What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too..
Opinions are like assholes... Everyone's got one, and they stink
Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun
Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark causechildren
Oh my god, you killed Kenny!
Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it
Statistics are used by people who have no proof
Divorce: from the Latin word meaning "to rip a man's heart out through his wallet
You'll never get rid of a bad temper by losing it!
My Opera
(50%)
