Sunday, May 2, 2010 9:21:32 PM
a cold heart is a strong heart
a cold heart will never melt
a cold heart is impossible to break
a cold heart is inaccessible
and that is the point
for a heart is warm and bountiful
until the day
you meet that storm
that hurricane even you cant tame
it takes such a toll
then you finally get to breath
and then the worst comes
you are left with nothing
nothing to hold on to, nothing to grasp
there is no hope, no faith
you are lost in your sorrows until you grow stronger
you realize that the walls around you heart are to wea
they are easily broken and torn down
so you build another later, and another
until you warm heart is now cold, surrounded by bricks and stones
a cold heart is a strong heart
a cold heart will never melt
a cold heart is impossible to break
a cold heart is inaccessible
and that is the point
Tuesday, March 30, 2010 11:01:13 PM
is it wrong to sleep with 10 people in a week? who says its wrong? i never protested it. y does society tell us that monogamy is the right choice. especially wen society it male dominated and no male wants to sleep with only one women. ok, i know its wrong for me to group all men into ok category, but most men prefer to have their cake and eat ti too with every girl they want. besides monogamy is hard to figure out, and acquire. whats the point if you or your monogamous partner is just gonna cheat on you anyways. then u mine as well be in an open relationship. n if ur in an open relationship ship ur basically at std central anyways so the point of having that person you "love" is what? im lost and confused by this too. and to answer your thought... did she sleep with 10 ppl in one week... no i did not.
Thursday, March 25, 2010 4:11:00 AM
life is full of fucking irony and slapps int eh face of reality. i should have seen this coming. i should have known better. i should have built walls n moates and filled it with burning hot acid. no one should have entered or left. but reality is that i didnt n i am slowly building it up. this oain is more anger n disappointment then anything. i should have listened to my head and my brain before letting down my gaurds and opening up my heart to a complete stranger that has now become my best friend. I wish i could go back in time n change everything make everything different. i couldnt even imagine what my life would be like without certain people in it. i would be a completely differnt person. no one will understand me or where im coming from bc i know no one else in the same situationa as i, but al i know now is im more driven then ever to lose weight, and kick ass here and make it in this god forsaken hell called life.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010 5:04:25 PM
its a horrible feeling when you cant wake up for tennis practice. its an even worse feeling wen you cant wake up for class. Overall these feelings arent usually horrible for me. I mean i hate school, and tennis has become more of a chore then something enjoyable. What makes it so horrible is the fact that I cannot wake up for them. I am so depressed right now that I cannot be alone. I spend my nights out til 4 or 5am pretty much everynight with my friends because I don't and can't be alone. I hate myself and my body so much that I cannot even be alone to do homework bc I have suicide on the brain pretty much all of the time. and as a result or my self hatred, I cant make it to class, which lowers my grades, which makes me feel worse about myself. Its a horrible, endless cycle. and what makes it even worse, is im actually taking my medicine and it still happens. The only reason I've made it this far is because of a good friend who I will see in March. I just hope I can hold out that long. I'm not going to kill myself, so dont think that if by some chance someone actually reads this. just need a place to release my feelings.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010 10:47:10 AM
I feel like no matter what I do these days it’s nothing but wrong. I just want to go back over the past 2 months and erase everything. I just want to start from scratch. If I changed everything. If I knew what I know now then would things have turned out different? Would I have not gotten my heart broken? Would I have not drank so much I'm on the stairs puking blood? Would I have never said those words, both good in bad, both hurting you. I feel like no matter what I do and no matter what I say it doesn’t make a difference in how you think and how you feel. Would I have never pressured you into making a decision because I couldn’t handle everything that happened? I regret nothing, but I can’t help but wonder what if. If I had never given you the ring would things still be the way they were. If I had never gotten mad at you over the summer and said fuck you, would we have ever stopped being so open and honest with each other. If I had never hurt you would you still have tip toed around every word we shared. I feel like I messed everything up. I don’t even remember or for that fact know when we crossed the lines of friends and became so much more. I can’t tell you exactly when I fell in love with you I just know that I did and I fell hard, and trying to fall out of love is sooo much harder then I could have ever imagined. You have become such a huge part of my life, and I don’t know what to do when i'm bored, or at night. I don’t know if it’s ok to text you or to say I love you anymore because I know we are supposed to be just friends but I also know that we both know that we are so much more than that. I want to stay close and I want to be together forever whether it is just as friends or as something more, but I can’t help but to find myself slowly trying to detach from you because I don’t think I can handle getting hurt like that. I have been crying for over a month now I just wish you could see. you told me tonight that if you believe strong enough anything is possible and anything can happen and you can make things work, and I know you were talking about other things in life, but y cant u believe in us. Y cant u believes that we can make this work. I know you were hurt before, but you told me you love me, but I think you were right the first time when you told me you love me as a person. I think that if you truly loved me like I love you you would be willing to give a long distance relationship one more chance. Just one more chance, that all it is. But u can’t decide what you want if you want to do this if you want to put the effort in. I don’t understand because isn’t that already what you do. You say you don’t see anyone else; you don’t dance with others because you feel guilty. You don’t go out with other girls because you feel like you're cheating or something. We both make the effort to talk every day and to see each other every day. How would it be any different? I’m not asking you to work your ass off to come here and see me. I know you have a life, and I know you have school, and I know you have things to do. I’m not asking you to work yourself like a dog just so we can see each other. I know you are there and I know you love me and I know you care, I just don’t understand. And know that we are just friends or w.e. I feel like you’re trying to treat me like just a friend, and we only talk like 5 minutes a day and you’re always running. I hate this feeling. I don’t want to be just another friend. I don’t want to be just another girl. I don’t want to be just another notch in your belt. You say life is short and to live it to ur fullest, well then if you're living it to ur fullest does that mean u don’t want me that you don’t want to be with me. I thought that you making a decision whether to be just friends or more would settle some of the nerves in my stomach and some of the crazy thoughts in my mind, but they are just as wild. just as lost as ever, and that drunken night I don’t know what came over me. I feel like it was my mind telling me that I am being stupid. that waiting for u is like waiting for the sky to turn green and the grass to turn blue. I know my mind tells me I should be angry and my thoughts are all negative, but my heart tells me to hold on. my heart tells me to never let go. no one else has ever made me laugh and smile the way you have. no one has ever made me feel so good inside like you. no one has ever changed me for the better like you have. I just don’t understand. I want to wait. I want to be there forever, but then again I’m only 18. I have my whole life ahead of me. I want to have a family young. I want to have kids young. not anytime soon but within the next 10 years. it takes a lot for me to trust someone. I've only truly and entirely trusted three people in my life time. one died of cancer, the other betrayed my trust, and now, you, I feel like I’m losing you. I feel like I’m losing my best friend, the one last person I can truly trust. this isn’t meant to be a guilt trip or to make anyone feel bad; this is just me writing at 5am about everything that I am feeling and everything that has been bothering me about this subject. these are my honest words and my honest thoughts. and I don’t even know myself where this was supposed to go or what it was supposed to do but I just want things to be normal but more than normal. I want to go back to talking freely and openly and honestly like we used to. I want to stop fighting every 7 out of 10 conversations we have. I want to stop feeling sad all the time. I want to stop missing you and know that I don’t have to because I know you will be there and want to talk to me just as much as I want to talk to you. I still can see our first kiss. I can still feel it on my lips and your hands on my body. it was so special and so pure n so natural and so very right. what happened to that pureness? what happened to that innocence of love and gentleness? I wonder what if we had never met. how would my life had been different. would I still be alive? I couldn’t imagine my life without you. I would never wish for my life without you. I am so happy so so happy that I met you. I still don’t understand y I made that effort to stay in touch with you. I am so bad at staying in touch with friends and people I’ve known for months and even years. I know we were meant to meet each other. I feel like there was purpose to us knowing each other. there is a reason I couldn’t not be friends. there is a reason I wanted to be there every night to talk to you even within the first night of being back home and just barely knowing you. I’m not one to seek out people and it was the first time I told Christina, let’s go back and find them. let’s go hang out with them. every night we came back until we found you on that second to last night. there was a reason for us to meet. I would never believe that it was for us to be friends for two years and then just throw it all away. you saved me and I’ll never forget you for that, but y walk away now. y end things now. things were so good and going to well, and yeah there were and still are some bumps, but there always will be with any relationship, whether it is close or long distance. I know I love you and I hope you love me, and we've made it this far with being so far apart, I believe we can make it through a few more years being at a distance. I believe and I am willing to give it my all and try, the question is are you. n I know that’s what you are thinking about and what you are contemplating, and after all of this, idk what else I can do. I don’t know what more I can do. u tell me not to do anything, to just be myself, and that is what I am doing, but I feel like I should be able to understand and like I should be able to help you and I can’t. this is something you have to do on your own. and I know I have told you this all before but never have I said it all at once. here it is. here is everything I can think of at the moment. everything I feel and know and just want and need to say. here is my heart on a sleeve, and now it’s up to you what happens to it. I love you, you know that. and no matter what happens I will always love you and I will always be there for you.
My Opera
