Friday, 27. November 2009, 10:28:17
something has definitely changed between us these last few weeks. maybe its attitude on both sides. maybe its because we are both so busy. i dont know, honestly. and i really want to fix it and make it go away because i hate feeling like this. i feel like a part of me is missing. i cant sleep at night, and all i can do it think about you. I understand you are stretched wicked thin right now, but im selfish. and if you are doing some of it for me, i appreciate it, i really do, but i never asked for all of this. i just asked for you to be there when i came to visit. i dont want to spend my vacation alone in an empty hotel room. i spend enough time alone at home. whatever i am doing wrong, please just tell me so i can fix it. my heart physically hurts, and my mind cant focus, and i can not sleep. and cause i cannot sleep im bitchy pretty much 24/7, and i can get upset at the drop of a hat; which just makes things so much worse, but i feel like no matter what i do these days its not right or not enough. i want to be there for you, and i dont want to argue all the time. i love you babe, and right now im drowning, and i need your help. please.
Monday, 2. November 2009, 02:43:19
I just found this website while trying to find out the easiest fastest 100% guaranteed successful way of killing myself. I can’t get my hands on a gun. Or buy charcoal without it looking suspicious. I don’t have a car. I could take pills, which ones? I could hang myself but from where? I’m 5′10.A bridge. I’ve thought of running infront of a semi-trailer. Slitting wrists takes too long, I don’t want to feel pain. I hate myself so much. I hated things before but it started to get a little better until something just happened the other day and now I can’t live with myself. It’s not like I want to leave this world. I just want to leave myself. And I’m having panic attacks, I can’t sleep or eat,i feel sick,i’m crying, i can’t look at myself. And I just want it all to end. I hate myself so so much. And the thought of killing myself is making me a little scared but it’s all I really can do to end all this. It can’t get better and no one can help. And I need someone to tell me how I can just get it over with and it’ll work. I don’t want to fail and end up messed up more then I am. Please don’t tell me I shouldn’t do it. Just tell me how I can.
http://suicideproject.org/2009/03/most-successful-way-to-kill-myself/
Tuesday, 15. September 2009, 06:59:37
o boy o boy... where to begin. well as most of my friends on here know, i have known this guy for about a year and a half know. him and i have grown so very close. we talk everynight. and on those rare occational nights in which we dont get to speak in one way or another, i just send him a text, and if he can he sends me one. he knows everything about me. i have no secrets with him, and as far as i know he has no secrets with me. i love him, i know i do. i feel it in my heart every time i just think about him. he still gives me goose bumps after a year and a half. he fills my stomach with butterflies, which i have told him once or twice.
you see, the problem is, i want him to be more then a friend, and in a sense he is, but to me, there is still that gap. that gap between boy friend and girl friend and best friends. i am ready to be more, but he doesnt know what he wants, or if he can handle another relationship like this. you see, he lives in aruba, and i am from the states. these long distance relationships dont usually work out, but i think we would. that is if we decide to take the next step. but for some reason, i have a gut feeling that he will not make a choice, he will not be able to make that commitment. now i am starting to wonder if i wanted this relationship to work out so bad, that in the end it is just going to be nothing? he has become my life. he has helped change me for the better as a person. he has made one of the biggest differences in my life in such a short period of time. i love him, and he says he loves me, but does he love me enough to finally let down his guard and be in a relationship with me?
i want to get married young. i want to have kids young. i dont mean like anytime soon, but i mean when im like 25 or so i want to have kids. i would love to be married by 22 or 23 years old.
.... ok its like 3 am... i will finish this later
night all
Sunday, 10. May 2009, 01:49:37
distance it the key to distrust. whenever there is distance between to people, no one can be trusted. there are so many temptations out there, and the world, but most the american society has been taught to do whatever the hell they want. they were taught to worry about themselves, look out for number one, and then if there is time, look out for everyone close to you. with distance, there is also space. space to be filled, whether it is physical, emotional, psychological. it doesn't matter. there is always a void. eventually over time, if you let the void remain, then a wedge can be driven between the two in the relationship. if you try to fill the void incorrectly, then an even greater wedge is driven. lies begin to form, excuses for why you couldn't answer your phone last night. distance creates disciple. if one truly cares about the other then the discipline is already there.
i totally lost track of what i was say...
Friday, 1. May 2009, 20:39:53
i hate secrets... they cause nothing but trouble, but i am holding a secret so dear, i cant even share it with my best friend. if any word of it were to get out, things would either go swimmingly or come crashing down around me. i hate bottling this up, but i have no place to let it go... i want to tell you but i cant, it hurts it kills, but i have no choice. im sorry im soo soo sorry...
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