WASHINGTON, DC—With national stupid-shit consumption at an all-time high and federal shit projections indicating sharply rising levels of stupidity over the next decade and a half, a small but vocal group of lobbyists has revived an old debate on Capitol Hill, calling for strict, federally mandated limits on incredibly stupid shit.
Though every previous congressional effort to curb incredibly stupid shit has met with failure, the sheer size of the current U.S. shit industry, combined with the unmitigated stupidity of most of the shit it produces, has once again raised the question: Should the U.S. impose limits on incredibly stupid shit?
"The manufacture, marketing and distribution of stupid, worthless shit is an unfortunate but unavoidable reality of any modern industrialized nation. Nonetheless, the problem has gotten way out of hand here in America," said C. Brian Mattson, a member of the Commerce Department's Advisory Board On Stupid, Really Stupid & Incredibly Stupid Shit, testifying before Congress Monday. "The time has come to face facts: Without some sort of cap on America's unchecked stupid-shit production, we face a crisis of diminished intelligence within the national discourse that threatens to bury our society under a tidal wave of crap the likes of which the world has never seen."
Should The U.S. Impose Limits On Incredibly Stupid Shit?
Yet the prospect of federally legislated shit-stupidity limits remains controversial, raising many questions: In a free society, do citizens have a constitutional right to be as stupid as they wish? How stupid is too stupid? What about the enormous profits generated by incredibly stupid shit? And are limits even realistic given the ever-growing consumer demand for stupider and stupider shit?
"Look at this ridiculous piece of unadulterated plastic junk," said Bergeron, spokesman for Citizens for Federal Shit Limits, randomly picking up an object from the shelves of a Bay Area Spencer Gifts, where the group staged a press conference and protest. "Just look at it! A magnetized Monica Lewinsky face that says, 'Interns Suck'? What kind of a human being would buy this? And why does it need to glow in the dark? I ask you, does that make sense? Where does it all end? Has the entire planet gone insane?"
Despite the outcry from the CFSL and other groups, many experts contend that any effort to pass shit-limiting legislation is doomed to fail. The U.S., they say, has become so dependent on incredibly stupid shit that sustained, long-term economic growth cannot be ensured without the steady influx of still-stupider shit.
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