Laughter; A Difficult Concept to Grasp, For Some!!!

Now go practice!

when I started learning English,
these are the first words I was taught !
I never forget to use them regularly !!

I agree with nr 2, 4 and 8.

Nice one! I know I've seen this somewhere else, but I still get a laugh out of it!

This is a better presentation of these words than the last one I read.

to the guy that never fails to make me laugh :


what Men Say, What Men Mean....

He says: "I can't find it."
He means: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

He says: "That's women's work."
He means: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.

He says: "Will you marry me?"
He means: My roommates have moved out, the laundry is piling up, and I have no idea about grocery shopping.

He says: "It's a guy thing."
He means: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

He says: "Can I help with dinner?"
He means: Why isn't it already on the table?

He says: "It would take too long to explain."
He means: I have no idea how it works.

He says: "I'm getting more exercise lately."
He means: The batteries in the remote are dead.

He says: "We're going to be late."
He means: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

He says: "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
He means: I can't hear the commentary because of the vacuum cleaner.

He says: "That's interesting dear."
He means: Are you still talking?

He says: "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
He means: I forgot our anniversary again.

He says: "You expect too much from me."
He means: You expect me to stay awake?

He says: "It's really a good movie."
He means: It's got guns, knives, fast cars and naked women.

He says: "You know how bad my memory is."
He means: I remember the address of the first girl I kissed and the registration number of every vehicle I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

He says: "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
He means: The salesgirl selling them was a real babe.

He says: "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
He means: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

He says: "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
He means: Oops! What did you catch me at?

He says: "She's one of those rabid feminists."
He means: She refused to make my coffee.

He says: "I heard you."
He means: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.

He says: "You know I could never love anyone else."
He means: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

He says: "You really look terrific in that outfit."
He means: Please don't try on any more outfits, I'm starving.

He says: "I missed you."
He means: I can't find my socks, the kids are hungry, and we've run out of groceries.

He says: "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
He means: No one will ever see us alive again.

He says: "This relationship is getting too serious."
He means: I like you almost as much as I like my car or bike.

He says: "I don't need to read the instructions."
He means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

That little addition right there pwns Angeliki!

He says: "You really look terrific in that outfit."
He means: Please don't try on any more outfits, I'm starving.

Is it bad that I think that about clothes shopping?

Very cool quotes!

But this one:

He says: "I don't need to read the instructions."
He means: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

- that's what I'm thinking too!

we all have 1 in a million male hormone I flip the TV control !!!

Oh my, this post is so true At least when it comes down to me

girls love knowledgeable men , i think it is a good thing

But of course Control for mens own sake!

Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--YOU!

Totally

Own sake

i'm sorry, i have to steal this and send it to greyeye80, i think this is funny.

lol

silly thieves!

funny thieves

Is that what men actually mean, or is it just what you think they mean.... think about it.

Seen it before although this has a nicer layout....

No woman can contorl me ( unless she takes off her clothes then I'm powerless )

preferably without i hope....

I suppose half the fun is gettin them off

i'm not even going there

Teach me more

You want Ripp to give you lessons?!

Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--YOU!

Then we say whatever you too


Angeliki,

He says: "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
He means: No one will ever see us alive again.


damn those were good

Here is one :

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up as it sometimes does.

But then the wife suddenly stops and says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me." "WHAT!?" says her husband. The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. He realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They head to the shoe department and pick up matching shoes worth $200 each.

The pair go to the jewelry department where she finds a set of diamond earrings that her husband agrees to buy for her. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she doesn’t care. She goes for the matching tennis bracelet. The husband says "You don’t even play tennis, but if you like it then let’s get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says to her husband, "I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cashier."

The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife’s face goes blank. "Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode as her husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force "breast gravity." It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men’s eyes down to women’s breasts.

"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. ‘Check out the globes on her!’ he said. That’s when the idea hit me like a brick house."

Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the "boobon."

Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)

Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men’s eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women’s? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts?

Scientists everywhere are looking into it.

and this :

At long last... The Men’s Guide to what a woman really means when she says something.

Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

(The answer to "What’s wrong?")

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

I don’t want to talk about it = Go away, I’m still building up steam

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%!!! Its called wedding cake.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man, and rested. Then God created woman. Since then neither God nor man have rested.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. In read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A women who won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman who just lost 90% of her intelligence? Divorced.

Men In Public Rest Rooms"""




Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, can’t find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable: Joins friends in pee, whether he has to go or not.

Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on left, pees into one in center.

Timid: Can’t urinate if someone else is watching, flushes urinal anyway.

Indifferent: If all urinals are being used, pees in sink.

Clever: No hands. Shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pees on floor.

Worried: Is not sure of what he has been doing, makes a quick inspection.

Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across urinal, tries to hit fly.

Absentminded: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pees in pants.

Disgusted: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

Sneaky: Farts silently while peeing, acts very innocent, knows that the man in the next stall will be blamed.

Childish: Leaks directly into the urinal bottom, likes to watch bubbles.

Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads newspaper with free hand.

Efficient: Waits until he has to take a crap, then does both.

Tough: Bangs dong against urinal to dry it.

Fat: Has to stand back to take a long blind shot, misses, pees in shoe

Little: Stands on box, falls in.

Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand, pees in pants.

Impatient: Always in a hurry, pees down back of guy ahead of him.

Withdrawn: Places feet in urinal, pees down leg so no one hears.

http://movies.yahoo.com/holiday-movies/Yes-Man/1809955924/trailers/147/

Enjoy

really good! i stole the jokes, my husbands gonna love em! lol

love the urinal one

Enjoy