Rives

mind rattle, insaity crasing into the constraints of broken minds. airbags deploy. you arent in the car. your floating in space. feel the wrath, feel the inward turning vacume pulling your chin down. stair at your feet, sink though the floor. take you last breath.

with a thirst for that which can't be drank, he reached out his arm.
stepping though the bridge, breaking the barrier.
There she sat, licking her wounds, counting her ends.
this is the price, she started to whisper,
he knew all the words, and sank to his knees.

outstretched and broken, there fingers intertwined,
feeling the rain, flow out of skin, searching for truth,

Begin again.

Love is not true, love is not lost, love is only the cost.
watch with your heart, as i rip it right out.

she needs not your faith, she bleeds you dry

moving though this world with gestures of unersanding and disbelief.
good friends sitting around a camp fire. Laughing. seeing the light dance along the faces as the world slows down alittle. enjoying the company of others with out relizing that you are even with them. stuggles and arguments fade. comunity is born, both in your life, and within your mind.

the most one can ever hope for in this world, is to be equal to all those he surrounds him self with.

moving through noice. concrete. distraction. finding some thimg more.


17 years. that seems to be the nuber i am stuck with. its pusing past that point. moving on. what happened that reverted me back to this. 21. it doesnt feel as such. gmoving on. growing up. bushing though. making new connections. connections in repeated was that i have been recently unable to form. this is not just a repeat of past blogs and forgotten meditation. this needs to be something that con only be found by acciednt. expectations need to disappear. scheduling. goals. stop this ameless wondering though each day. move into a world, a place in my mind where i can see out. where i can understand this dwelling. this girl. rethinking my ability to speack. ending obcesions and and transitory vices. finding a cure for all of the things that i some how see as flawed. the only flaw is my outlook, and even that can be cured. calm my mind and rememver. there is more then enough time. every day contains more then enough time. start using it. trust in your self. trust in reil. even when nothing seems to be flowing the way that you want it, allow your self to become the river. calm the noise. calm the voices and the collor. listen to the music under nieth the caos. the music in the casos. find its rythem. this world is a rythem the rythem here has been distruped. it is not playing a new tune. listen for that tune before trying to push back to the old way of living.

the sound of a pen striking paper. the reythe of figers on keys. the pounding of feet on pavement. or wheeles at the bowl. the bubles pusing upwords in a hookah. the long breaths of the one laying next to you. the inaudable wispers of tusls conversations. these are the sounds at the center of my world. these are the rythems of my life. know when things are wronge. know when to move. know when changes are coming and when they have passed. drive. think. feel. expect nothing, and find your hairs on end. you are the one of wisdom and guidince. listen more then you speak. read more then you listen. think more then you read. understand that nothing is set and all things WILL change, after they change enought, they will be the same again... never wait.

the music pauses. know the meaning. find your love. make her smile.

no i... i dont mind. dont min... dont know. cant know. cant mind. cant think. break
pause. think. breed. destroy?
create. create madness. allow thoughts. allow thoughts to openly destort.
full sencences? not now.
shiver. shicer more. take controll. take action. take every thing. this is your. all o it. mine. yours. ours. bereak.
findd sanction. read over screens.see through faces. learn to love decete. know devete. see it daily. get jelouse when the ones around try to hold your love as their own. know there mistake. bread it down break.
pause. think. move? moving on.
moble. mobile viewing. moble browsing. conecting. scanning. scanning for a network. find one. connect. conct to the people. connect in to thier live.. listen to conersations about thing that matter as much to you as to them. speak up. speak out. break the sinclce that is self enforced and regulated tby the parts of your mind too generic to be truely thought of as your own. if you can connect to any network, any where, can you be isolated in one as well. clasify and devid.

The minds of those that once sustained your own long since missing, the source code changed. is there a virus in this world that we have yet to understand. one that takes hold of us, and robs us of the integrety that we once held. you are only your self for one moment at a time. for when you finish this sentece you will be some one new. to long for those who have changed to be the ones that you loved is pointless, love those who have found them selves with you loved ones memories, as they are, in the moment that they are. That is the only moment you have to love them. In this you can love, and be loved, more times in your, then you might have ever dreamed.

remembering the past is livining it. Time travel is costant. worm holes exist. to recount, to rehear, rethink, analize the sunarios, create the alternet realities as they should have been. We bend this world with out minds, and stay the path closest only to the one we have chosen.

every action bares its consequences. to not make a choice is to decide. we are the only creatures that controll out destony. this world is predecided.

I have recently been thinking about the root purpose of this existance. of humanity as a whole. I have thought about the creature that lurk within us, watching as they move us though this world. I think of you soul as eternal, and i think of this life as lense. any photographer will tell you that no two lenses are exactly the same, no two photographs identical.

babble babble brout.
intelegent this post is not.
finding my mind, is harder this time,
and im begining to loose what ive got.

so chanelling energy. finding my own stenght to bush though this mindless goop that seems to encae my intelect. this is not an issue of undefined personality, or of inconsistant modavation... this is some thing that i allow to to happen. that is becoming more and more certian. i can only write when im feeling some what in controll of my mind, and to feel at all inctroll of my mind i must first write. or do some thing of a moderatly creative nature.

sleeping through dreams.

missing the moments that make you feel alive. this isnt some thing that i can think about before, or even as i write it. it only comes with my eyes cloed seperated from the world around me. blocking out every thought, every dsire. allong my mind to swirl within it self. fear screams. she does this ofter, but occasionaly it sounds as if its eccing thuogh a few sheets of plezi glass. i understand. she is in the same place as my thought. they are also screaming. all this is happing just out of my gernal range of cosiness.

finding a way though. is it meditation. is it pasion. all of these things seem so meaning less when i have no inner monolouge to guide the journy.

mental resets seems strange when theres a lack of imagiry, a lack of true streaming recall.

things that will happen tomorrow:

i will call stream.
i will fix my resume.
i will run one mile.
i will set up a network.
i will get my email working.
i will write/read/ or work on a painting.
i will make a decent video.