<center>Rives</center>

fuck
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fuck this, fuck this not sleeping bullshit. a voice and a knife. a single salvation. to tear the eyes from this skull and the breath from this throat.
my phone is dead.
i dont even know what this feeling is or why, its a tension a tension in the back of my neck, and a twitch in my fingers. visions. fuck this, flashes of things i haven't seen. walking down a hallway thats instantly another, with another set of lies and another audience to listen to my preaching, this isn't fucking me, i dont walk down hallways in torn up apartment building full of musk and dust, i dont know why the fuck im here. some of the doors are open, the golden sun shines through a doorway cutting a perfect path from a long since broken window, leaving is mark on the door across the call i pause,stepping slowly and looking the hallway up and down as i move, slowly raising my hand to the knob... i have no idea how the fuck i got here; did i come alone. 'fuck it why not' spoken to the door, i turn the handle and press through, the call center. of-coarse the call center, as seamless of a transition as any one could expect, fucken shit, i hate this job, and of coarse im late from break, this is bullshit.
unlock the computer unfreeze cmis. then sit and fucking wait, wait for another fucken moron to gall there all knowing and blatantly underpaid help desk, to ask what the password they set a day ago is. FUCK THAT. im going to sleep. its the only real way to pass the time and stay same. i sit in my chair facing away from the computer, and put my arms on my desk, 'not the water bed but pretty fucking comfortable'. i lay my head on its side on the side part of my elbow as if to make some kind of cushion out of my own fucking flesh, then i close my eyes, the second i close them the air changes, and i dart them back open, its dark, not so dark i cant see, but my eyes will need time to adjust. im not sitting any more, im laying, the air is cold, and fresh, the windows are open, its cold, not cold enough to freeze, just to chill you under skin and make you wish you had a blanket. this isn't my bed, or my room. fuck i know where i am. shes still passed out, stoned from the night before, but shit, this was three nights before, god damn it, i cant lay here, not in this room, not with the way my vision has been, fucking shit now its all i can think about, why the fuck do i care? i know exactly why i care and its pathetic, no matter how long i try seeing that will always be worse then a kick in the balls and tube down my throat, and what's pathetic is its all in my head, and this bed i presume, fuck i need a cigarette, im still fully clothed and if i remember correctly i left my pack, right on this fucking desk, still almost full, amazing how that works, im up and out the door to the room lighter secure in my pocket, walking down the hallway heading for the patio, i wonder if Brandon's still asleep, or if wills still on the phone with heather? fuck i want a cigarette, i get to the door to the patio is propped open, the living is dark with those fucking black lights. SHIT i subbed my fucken toe. my eyes shoot open fuck a call. the bitch is already talking, its almost pathetic how quick and happily, i can unmote my phone and spit out, "thank you for calling my name is josh, how can i help you?" then mute my phone while the personifcation of my listening to their bull shit, spitts of blook in the trash can. sure what the fuck why not, i get paid to do this shit, i listen to her for 4 seconds and already know how to resolve her issue, get an id, get a phone number, then a name, then tell her what i could have already said and tell her ill double check that in the system, of coarse im fucking right, i dont have to read this shit, i made this shit, i just dont remember exactly how to explain that to any one. she tanks me with a teeth bound tounge, and i hang up the phone, fuck you, the call was dropped but the phone wasnt muted, i hope some one gets to hear that. close the ticket and start browsing the web, xkcd.com saves my life when my mind will allow me view a computer screen. not so fortunate tonight, fears sitting on my desk, playing with a pink ds that i beive was sho's at one point anymore might as well be lost. the only game it has is supermario brothers, but she thats fine, i dont think shes ever beaten it. i forget how younge she is some times. holy fuck why am i so chilled? oh. yeah... almost forgot about that. i should sleep, or eat, or dream, fuck none of that works, ill rock, rocking is good, no one can stop you from rocking. ha some one at work as the implication that i have sites like this, that might just get me fired, THANK GOD, that might get me fired. i cant take it. i layed in bed for almost 2 hours this morning dreading getting up with a terror thats starting to rivial cold water(which seems to have intesified significantly in the last few weeks). sitting in the cube with both elbows on the desk both hands on my forhead fighting to hold my self up and not to stay awake, shit i dont want to get up, fuck, what time is it? 8:45?? bullshit, how long was i asleep, the sun, freshly rissen, burning through the windsheild of my car. i should go home. i think about getting up to see if your awake or in bed, but i fiigure my bed is more likely to recipercate the consern at the moment. i need to stop driving untill i cant drive my self home. when is this? its got to be a month ago, i wonder what would happen if i ran i ran upstairs talk you not to take a shot of liquid heroin, then just left... eh fuck it, im already turning onto 275 and you would just think i was being crazy, which, would make sence. fucken shit, anouther call pounds my ears, ears as i turn on the radio, nothing comes out of the sterio but the sound of some idiot who cant to do a data transfer. im still driving and sitting at my computer all in the same moment, focusing on not running my self into a semi and working the call as if thats possable. dreaming? this late in the day, what the fuck? what pisses me off is at the moment niether of these two things make sence, so i cant curse the bitch out and i can crash the jeep into a truck. what the fuck, maybe ill end up fuck no matter what i do, so i tel her to fuck off, hit a gas truck and come to in english class. god damn it, i wounder if its almost over. me and sho are gonna hang out tonight and this class is redicuoulus. were watching finding forester. ive seen this movie ten thousand times, and im still not allowed to leave, i though this was college. i hope the aold bitch chokes on her gimp hand. holy shit its only 4, fuck who the hell schecules a 4 hour class on a friday? i already know im going to fail, does that mean i can leave. fuck it. oh yeah the kid with the bmw was gonna bick up after class, thats why im still here, i look over to see if he's still in the room and knock a book off of my desk, it crashes on the ground, and im taking anouther call, about 3 min into it, appearently she cant connect to vpn. i read the word doc in front of me to figure out what we've been talking about and contunue to type everything i or she says just in case, its a firewall in the hotel, she checks, im right, issue resolved, good night. im awake at this point. fear is still playing the ds, god im good at my job when im good at this job. its time to go, i log out and leave, not saying good bye to the guys i work with, i have no idea how out of it i was, i call sho like i said i would, out of instistinct, and habit, and well i really want to hear her voice, i have no idea whats going on with us, but i figure if im getting this slustered i must be felling some thing, we only talk for a second as i travel down the elevator and say good night to the gaurd. the phone call done, i get to the front door and see its 11:11 on my cell phone. wish made. fuck wishes. then i call you back. god damn im tired. i cant take anouther day of this. i dont want to be alone, but then again, if i were ever alone this wouldnt be a problem.