<center>Rives</center>

i feel cold. shacky. the kind of shiver that doesnt doesnt imply or result from the cold, it inspires it. like waves of heat off tarmat, cold enters the room. me being the only source. logicly, physically, i have that backwards, cold can never expand thought a room, it is submissive to heat, which in its attempt for unfomity and controll delutes its own spirt untill it is gone and the cold has taken over. physics failed the second i was consived. god. not a god or the son of, not an eternal being that dreated this world. not your heavenly father who ark in heaven, most cetianly not the holy ghost, but a ghost non the less. to understand that mind of me you must trap your self in a labynth, by choice, you must know when entering this labynth that there is a way out, but there are no exits, you can leave at any time but you will never find the middle nor the exterier wall, dont bother memorizing the paths thy change as fast you do. this was your choice. have fun. i cant discribe this anger. this split decision of every thing i do. no choice is made as mine, no moment spent as me. its some thing i dont think ive ever contomplated, tthe desire for a second as your self, totlally and completely, in exchage for a complete loss of controll. is it worth it. is living in a haze of indecision on mood shifts with countless self reflects that have nothing to do with your self, worse, then being completely pushed away, it might a good vacasion, but who the hell knows what youll come back to. on the same note when you did, you would be alone. in control, for awhile at lease. this things arent possible, please dont confuse or worry any thing im saying as threats, to any one, inculding myself, these are simply words. i would never allow any part of me that wasnt i to have that much controll, and i would never grant said controll unless i held the fail safe. so its indecsision. some one could tell when my dinfluance chaged, almost instantly. i was drunk. very drunk. i think thats why she could. i wasnt gone, but to be honest i wanted to be, but ph god, leaving here, she would be so utterly lost. or not. with out fail, like claudia in new orleans she would take to this world, and take to this body, but dont tell her that. how far off topic could that possibly be. i feel better still have chills, eyes still hurt, but better all the same.