Rives

in moments of suttle and sustained madness,i burry my head in you, on you, i lean in and hug in a way that cannot be reoated to sex. it is an endless loop that plays for weeks. maybe months with little refrain. i am no more aware of it then an animal of its slow growing cancer. sitting under the skin doing more damaged then seems possible, but requesing only that it be seen examined and relived in the forground of the mind. relived, and removed. i have th tools for this, but not the presicion to know that i will get it all with out removing the heathy cells as well. it might be out fear that i let it linger, fear of loosing a night in a laundry matt or my last good holiday. im not sure which. but over time my voice will chance. grow higher pitch slowily pulling from that cancer that i absently ignore, untill i am the child in the canser. i am the memory that i can't bring myself to cut out. i loose my self in obsessions, distractions. spinning lights and two litter gardens. untill the canser grows larger then the whole and with out logic or reson i am sick. the mind begins to break the physical and the choice is no longer mine to make. to take controll of my world, and my life, i must destroy that with grows behind my thoughts. at the risk al loosing alittle more of me. but that is me. i am always changing and for evertransitory because i will not let go of myself and the world that makes me happy. i want to remember us, all of us from the moment we met to to the moment we die. i sacriface out future to save your past. my past. i cannot be who am and maintain the memory of who i have been. so i will beach my mind once agian. and find my self in your arms. new. in love. and creat a new set of memories some of wich i will hold for only a day, some for twenty years. i want you. im ready to have you again.