conversation, truth, resosolve, decite, then finally resolve
Sunday, 13. January 2008, 20:21:46
at parents. sitting. watching the tv. kinda. theres football i think, i was kinda zoning and were on to commercials, yah, its football. my dad is asleep in the chair. i think my mom went to take a shower.
its raining.
looks amazing out there. i miss the smell. i dont remember the last time i smelled rain and really took in the moment.
wow that took me back.
i remember the day i asked her out.
it was my moms birthday, and my parents anniversary; that should have been the first sign.
i dont know. i dont want to say i miss her. i do. i just dont think i should say it.
i went there last night. late. she said she couldn't sleep. she was anxious.
so i left. with out second thought. i asked if i should and if she minded, but i knew she wouldn't, if i hadn't have known i would have just told her i had to go.
im sorry for that.
we talked. for a long time. we talked about the things we hadn't talked about before
all the things i write in this blog... well all portioning to her.
she said that they weren't, and they hadn't, and they weren't going to.
he kinda dicked her over, she said that hurt.
is it sad that it hurting her hurt me, but not because she was hurt, because it was him who did it,
she cared enough to let him hurt her, no me, him.
she asked about next time, what would happen.
i told her i didn't know.
i really dont.
i want to know who it is. i just need some thing else first i think. just like her. i need some thing.
i hate the lies and hate question.
she tells me these things with such conviction, such honesty in her voice,
and innocents that i haven't heard in so long
and i believe it. she convinces me so simply,
every question fades from my mind.
that is bliss. as it was.
morning came. i was great. she was gone, went to work.
i still believed. every word.
then my cell phone fell i the trash can next to the bed, and there they were,
under Wendy's bag, screaming what i should have known right back into my face.
no matter how i tossed throughout my head it didn't make sense.
i have no idea what the truth is any more.
i want it, i think. i want it to be what ive heard.
but nothing makes sense like that.
it doesn't make sense that the rest are gone. it doesn't make sense that there would be one in his car, then another later, it doesn't make sense that she would have bought so many more, it doesn't make sense that there would be any, not to mention so many, in her trash can, and most of all it doesn't make sense that her hurt her that much, that he was so awkward, that they couldn't talk to me, and that i still see hesitation and shame in there eyes when they look at me.
my legs went numb after i say it. just as they did now as i wrote this. she wanted to know that i wasn't numb to this, to all of this. to her and him and what they did. she wanted to know that i wanted her. that it hurt.
she didn't know. that made me want to scream.
i told her i was stuck. i had nothing that i could do. there was no stopping a girl who didn't want to be with me from being with some one who had no respect for me.
what was i supposed to do? go there barge in. hit him in the face?
tell her i love her?
would it have mattered. was that what she was waiting for when she was with him.
she told me he was just a replacement, someone to take the place of me, that she had used him like a rebound, and still kinda fallen for him, then she got hurt.
she needed to know that i cared, so i showed her this page.
first i made her promise to read it, not to return to it.
just to know that its here.
i showed her a blog from 3 days ago, the one titled 'everytime'.
it was the first i saw of a thousand more like it. she ready, smiled a little, teared up, then paused, she looked at me and said that was all she needed to read.
so now i am where was was. some what.
i dont know agian. and i have once agian been destroyed by that knowledge,
only this time i dont think im ready to go running back.
i really dont want to be torn apart any more.
the next time she calls, im sure ill want to be there. to lay with her. to have things as they were,
but, ill remember the hangover. the knowledge that soon after that high of having her, of her wanting me,
youll once agian realize that you dont know a goddamn thing. ill remember this empty, and this hatred of what i dont know to be lies, just what my brain finds logical.
and maybe with that in mind, ill say, i cant. ill say, only or a little while, and i dont think i should keep you safe tonight, not all night, not from your bed.
that hurts, ALOT, even to type, even though its where she cant see it. it really makes me want to cry to to think.
still i think it should change. i think if i meet some one, ill be able to see potential, instead of social incompatibilities, and a list of by own failures that should keep me from even trying. its been 3 years since i looked.
im not sure if im quite ready yet. but im getting there.
and thats huge.
and by the way, thank you, any one who replied, and helped, i might not post here too much any more, who knows maybe i will.
thank-you livia, i will make that movie up to you. your a good friend.
its raining.
looks amazing out there. i miss the smell. i dont remember the last time i smelled rain and really took in the moment.
wow that took me back.
i remember the day i asked her out.
it was my moms birthday, and my parents anniversary; that should have been the first sign.
i dont know. i dont want to say i miss her. i do. i just dont think i should say it.
i went there last night. late. she said she couldn't sleep. she was anxious.
so i left. with out second thought. i asked if i should and if she minded, but i knew she wouldn't, if i hadn't have known i would have just told her i had to go.
im sorry for that.
we talked. for a long time. we talked about the things we hadn't talked about before
all the things i write in this blog... well all portioning to her.
she said that they weren't, and they hadn't, and they weren't going to.
he kinda dicked her over, she said that hurt.
is it sad that it hurting her hurt me, but not because she was hurt, because it was him who did it,
she cared enough to let him hurt her, no me, him.
she asked about next time, what would happen.
i told her i didn't know.
i really dont.
i want to know who it is. i just need some thing else first i think. just like her. i need some thing.
i hate the lies and hate question.
she tells me these things with such conviction, such honesty in her voice,
and innocents that i haven't heard in so long
and i believe it. she convinces me so simply,
every question fades from my mind.
that is bliss. as it was.
morning came. i was great. she was gone, went to work.
i still believed. every word.
then my cell phone fell i the trash can next to the bed, and there they were,
under Wendy's bag, screaming what i should have known right back into my face.
no matter how i tossed throughout my head it didn't make sense.
i have no idea what the truth is any more.
i want it, i think. i want it to be what ive heard.
but nothing makes sense like that.
it doesn't make sense that the rest are gone. it doesn't make sense that there would be one in his car, then another later, it doesn't make sense that she would have bought so many more, it doesn't make sense that there would be any, not to mention so many, in her trash can, and most of all it doesn't make sense that her hurt her that much, that he was so awkward, that they couldn't talk to me, and that i still see hesitation and shame in there eyes when they look at me.
my legs went numb after i say it. just as they did now as i wrote this. she wanted to know that i wasn't numb to this, to all of this. to her and him and what they did. she wanted to know that i wanted her. that it hurt.
she didn't know. that made me want to scream.
i told her i was stuck. i had nothing that i could do. there was no stopping a girl who didn't want to be with me from being with some one who had no respect for me.
what was i supposed to do? go there barge in. hit him in the face?
tell her i love her?
would it have mattered. was that what she was waiting for when she was with him.
she told me he was just a replacement, someone to take the place of me, that she had used him like a rebound, and still kinda fallen for him, then she got hurt.
she needed to know that i cared, so i showed her this page.
first i made her promise to read it, not to return to it.
just to know that its here.
i showed her a blog from 3 days ago, the one titled 'everytime'.
it was the first i saw of a thousand more like it. she ready, smiled a little, teared up, then paused, she looked at me and said that was all she needed to read.
so now i am where was was. some what.
i dont know agian. and i have once agian been destroyed by that knowledge,
only this time i dont think im ready to go running back.
i really dont want to be torn apart any more.
the next time she calls, im sure ill want to be there. to lay with her. to have things as they were,
but, ill remember the hangover. the knowledge that soon after that high of having her, of her wanting me,
youll once agian realize that you dont know a goddamn thing. ill remember this empty, and this hatred of what i dont know to be lies, just what my brain finds logical.
and maybe with that in mind, ill say, i cant. ill say, only or a little while, and i dont think i should keep you safe tonight, not all night, not from your bed.
that hurts, ALOT, even to type, even though its where she cant see it. it really makes me want to cry to to think.
still i think it should change. i think if i meet some one, ill be able to see potential, instead of social incompatibilities, and a list of by own failures that should keep me from even trying. its been 3 years since i looked.
im not sure if im quite ready yet. but im getting there.
and thats huge.
and by the way, thank you, any one who replied, and helped, i might not post here too much any more, who knows maybe i will.
thank-you livia, i will make that movie up to you. your a good friend.
