<center>Rives</center>

"and ill be be your crying shoulder..."

those are the words. the words that are playing as i sit to write this blog. they weren't chosen by me. not for now or this. i havent posted in quite some time, not like i should. not like i know i need to. its strange how simple words aranged correctly on the right canvas can change your entire outlook.

too times the last few days ive felt my vision ripped away, like a optomatrist flipping the switch and repeating one or two. every thing chages and flashes, and is just diffent enough for you to know it changed. not diffent enough to know exactly weather its sharper or just smaller, or well, exactly the same. and then you step back. if your just far enough behind your self to reach out and cover your eyes, but thats never what you do. its not a matter of holding back or fighting it off; there is no fight. this is what it has always been. i am no more my self then you are i any person with a sence of self can define there soul with words.

this is walking into an elevator alone. surely alone. and standing, staring at a coner, for no other reason, besides your tired. you wait, thats all you can really do in those boxes. and the doors close. you stair into your corner, and the whole thing goes up, and locked in side, your not alone. hes with you. standing right in the middle as if he had always been. still startled no matter how many times it happens, your always still startled.

this is waking up with two old frinds sitting with you in your bed. this is pushing her hair behind her ear and watching it desolve as you relize that your mind had not yet woken up. shes beautiful. all of her. every her that has been in my dreams and in my daily vision. ever one who ever dared to step inside so i couldnt forget. thats the only realy thing. in all emotion, in all detatchment, even in moments of less then inspired memories, you still know that you could never truely forget.

so i could loose myself. i may already be gone. sitting in a care a 2 am in a parking lot listening to music that makes my world calm down and my perception simply twist to a milky cream. im sure im lost, for the me i used to know has vanished with the rest of the unknowns and intangitables, and in the same moment i am more my self then i ever thought that evening would allow. the words are not back by arrogent divnety, but they dont need to be, they are true. even then, i feel my vision fall over my should with no view or my own reflection.

smoke slides from the tip of a half gone piller nestled between my fingers. eyes half open as my body flys through the places i have been. the places i ahve held that ciggerete. every second is a diffrent memory to witch i am completely devoted and still, completely relaxed. the movenemt of sitting to standing to walking to thinking, its all endless and effort less. for the only physicallity of it all is irrelvant, by eyes are always where they have been and the out side resolves around them.

i havent been able to get that feeling out of my head. that moment. that grasp. its him. taking liberties and afirming long known addictions to drugs i have never used. just as allow of them surely will, he can flow through me with out hessitation. i surrender this, even though it is not mine to give. the words echo through my head. not spoken by her, not spoken by me. not the memory, the persistant mantra that has now been announced... eight of us... i am no more in controll then fear is my daughter or reil by brother. this is simply the way it must be. for it is the way it always was, and allways shall be.

i think i may loose my self soon.
please dont be afraid,
please dont leave,
please ask for me back.