sometimes daily musings on writing..

Today, I have decided to declare war on my eye. I am NOT going to surrender; I am NOT taking any prisoners, and this EYE FROM HELL is NOT going to win. I will fight off infection. I will protect against injury. And I will win, oh, yes. I will.

Last night, at promptly 3:30 a.m. (what is it with this 3:30 crap? It's like the Amityville Horror or something. It IS like a horror movie, so I guess that reference is appropriate. EVERY time this happens to me, except for last Thursday, it's been at 3:30 a.m. ) my monster eye decided, "Oh, are you ASLEEP? Let's PARTY!! "

I was NOT in the mood to party. I was (key word: WAS) sleeping. I was minding my own business. I was most likely dreaming of extension cords curled up on toast, seals doing the Charleston, or my printer spitting out abstract cartoons of SpongeBob even though I was supposed to have been printing out my manuscript. It was one of those three things, or the old standby, FOOD.

Anywhoo, Monster Eye begged to differ. And it begged loud enough to make me wake, roll, and sit up all in one motion, hand clamped over my eye region to block out any sliver of light, and stumble to the bathroom.

I put ointment in it. Nope; no good. I put Acluar in it. I waited. Nope; not touching it. I put a wet washcloth on it. THAT hurt like a BITCH. I took deep breaths. That just made me dizzy, as I was already experiencing a little bit of vertigo. I gritted my teeth. I balled up my fists. I dug my heels into the carpet. Nothing was working. Out of options. I groaned. I got mad. And then I started crying. Crying because of physical pain is NOT what I do. I do not whimper, I do not flinch, I do not flutter my hand in front of my face and get all flabbergasted at the sight of something gross or gory. I am not a crybaby. I did not cry when I cut my hand with a chainsaw. I did not cry when I got run over by a car in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I did not cry when I sliced my arm on a shelf at Wal-Mart. (I get hurt a lot at Wally World, have you noticed?) But this thing? It makes me cry. And that makes me mad.

I am so sick and tired of being, well...sick and tired. This pain is something that I'd never expect out of something so small that they have to DYE IT with fluorescent fluid and look at it under blue light through a MICROSCOPE. What the hell? WHO could imagine? It's smaller than a grain of sand. It's tinier than a hair. It's almost as small as Plankton. Seriously...what is up with that?

I know I sound like a whiny, crabby, PMS'ing baby, but I do not care. At this point, I will gladly wear those names on my shirt. It says "Dirk", anyway...another screw-up at the drycleaner's.

SO, I get an emergency appointment at the eye clinic AGAIN. SEVEN times in TEN days. It's not only painful and causes me to lose sleep and miss work, but it is BREAKING MY BANK, this hateful, hateful eye.

I'm thinking the Doc will put in MORE dye, plop in ANOTHER contact, and say, "Get on outta here, you whiny thing" and send me on to work. Oh, noooooooo...what was I thinking? Stupid ME! He says, "We gotta do the procedure again."

WHAT?

More poking holes in my open eye with a needle, you say?

Oh, hell.

So, this time, I MOVED while he was doing it. (I told you, just a few lines up, that I was stupid, did I not?) So, this time, he poked TOO FAR INTO MY EYE. So, this time, he says, "Your fluid may leak out. Here's my cell phone number. Call me if you get a SUDDEN GUSH OF FLUID."

Oh, hell.

I know I'm using a lot of caps, but I'm pretty crabby right now, and caps are helping.

Crabby, crabby, crabby.

So, after my surgical procedure, and after the poking over 100 holes, one of which was too far into my cornea, and after I found out I have to go back again in the morning at 7:45, and may miss my all-day Writer's Workshop, I said, "Screw the diet! I want an iced coffee and a damn CHEESE BAGEL!" We stopped at the bagle place on the way back to drop me off at work. They (Bagel Time? I think the name of it was Bagel Time in Douglasville...) had the most awesome cheese bagel with garlic-romano cream cheese and the best iced coffee I've ever had. It helped a little.

If it weren't for Cindy taking me to every appointment, going to the drug store at 11:00 at night for medicine, helping me remember all of the drops I have to use, cheering me up when I'm in a mood like this one, putting up with me crying and complaining, and just being there as a best friend, I really don't know what I'd do. I couldn't ask for a better friend. She's always there in my time of need, and never gives up on me, no matter how much I whine. Thanks, Cindy, I will never be able to repay you for all you've done.

Okay, so four appointments in four days. I'm over it, and I want my eye to just quit being evil. The Doc said I have to go see the surgeon on Monday. He will figure out what to do from there.

I've read on the web that some people get this in BOTH eyes. HO. LEE. CRAP. I cannot imagine. It's like someone dipped a sandspur in gasoline, and after throwing some sand in my eye and rubbing it in, they threw in the petrol-soaked burr for good measure. I don't know why it's happened, I hope it doesn't happen again, and I certainly hope none of you are affected by this really horrid condition.

BUT! It could be worse. I still have most of my sanity. Well, okay, a good portion of it. I am also thankful for the time I have here, the people I know, and everything that's good in my life.

It's almost 1 p.m., and my eye actually feels better than it has in the last 27 hours. I hope the Dr's appt. goes well and I do not have to have my eye sanded. Well, they don't SAND it, like, with 180 grit paper on a machine or anything, but they SCRAPE or PEEL off the skin that covers the cornea and HOPE that it "creates a clean slate for the skin to grow back and attach to the layer underneath". Hmmmphfff. But like I said, it really doesn't matter what it takes. I value my eyesight more than my hearing, speech, and left kidney put together.

I'll keep everyone posted.

Okay, so my left eye has been doing something funky. For the last six days, it has been possessed by a monster. It's something evil, something weird, and something VERY annoying. Every night for the last six nights, I've woken from a sound sleep to something STABBING my eye. Like an eyelash on steroids. Like something poked me. Like a chunk of steel or a piece of charcoal fell into my eye from some open portal in the universe. Could it be a chunk of space dust? I didn't know, but I was sure that somebody out there was missing some inventory.

So. On the first night, I did what anyone would do; I blinked and blinked (ouch; that's WORSE!) and then I rinsed it out. It finally got a little better, and I went back to sleep. The next day, everything was okay. I thought the chunk of whatever had gone away, and didn't give it another thought. Boy, was I wrong.

Next night: same thing.

Next night: and again. But worse.

Next night: O. M. G. (you get the picture...for almost a WEEK)

I cannot calculate how much sleep I've lost. Today, at WORK, of all places , the monster revealed itself in broad, open daylight.

I was minding my own business and my eye suddenly felt like a cat had swiped across it with their claws. "THAT'S IT," I shouted inside my head, because I was at work, and I called the Marietta Eye Clinic. They gave me an appointment within TWO hours. Not two days. Cool.

What wasn't cool was the fact that the very nice Doctor-man told me that it wasn't an eyelash, a booger, or space dust. It is actually a horrible condition that could be from an old injury (don't remember one) or from corneal disease. It's called "Recurrent Corneal Erosion". I know one thing. The word "erosion" is NOT good, ever. No matter what. For anything.

He put a disgusting, gelatinous contact in my eye (that's a first for me; I don't know how the rest of you can STAND it) with some drops and gave me a script for an $80 bottle of meds that isn't any bigger than my thumbnail. What is that, like, $10 a drop? But hey, for my eye, I'd give a kidney. And part of my liver. The liver can grow back anyway. Really.

I have to go back tomorrow to see if it's "any better". If not, I have to have CORNEAL DEBRIDEMENT. EWWWWWWWWW.

My eye is burning, itching, and I still have the poky, stingy, eyelash-stuck-in-it feeling. Maybe tomorrow, it'll get better.