Cutting My Finger Off
Tuesday, November 1, 2005 2:29:13 PM
I must admit that once I decided to actually do this, it took about two hours to complete. The first thirty minutes were spent merely trying to get up the nerve. Unfortunately thinking too much can sometimes be a bad thing...
Thinking back on it, I should have quickly chopped my finger off with one swoop of a butchers knife. But as I mentioned I'm not exactly playing with a full deck. Hell, I'm not even playing with half a deck, maybe just half a card. Anyway enough babble...this is how I did it.
The first thing I did, because I thought it would make things easier was to break my finger at the hand. This was a little harder than I thought, but the easiest procedure of the night. I put two butter knives on both sides of my finger, one on the inside of my finger, one on the outside, and used electrical tape to wrap around them and hold them in place, making sort of a splint. Once finished I laid on the floor stomach down. I put my hand flat against my stomach, with the palm facing up. I lifted up slightly. Bent my splinted finger as if pointing at the floor. Eased a little of my weight on it to keep it still. Then released all my muscles, and dropped my full weight upon my finger. Which in an instant bent all the way back, broke, and lay flat against the back of my hand. It’s not a crunch sound as touted in literature and screen, but a simple quick pop. Almost the same sound as the cracking of knuckles.
I remember my first thought after the initial jolt of pain was that I assumed it would hurt more. Then after about ten seconds the numbness wears off. Then every time the bone moves a million jolts of lightening pulse through your hand and up your arm.
But I was happy. I had accomplished something. Now to the cutting...
Let me begin with a word of warning to any other potentially unstable persons out there who may read this. Razor blades bend, they are small, they get bloody fast, then slip all over the damn place. Swiss Army knives really are good for a thousand jobs.
So I'm sure you can figure out I started off with a common razor blade. I cut, too shallowly I must say around the base of my finger. This did not hurt too much, except every once in awhile the blade would slip one way or the other. After about ten minutes of this my finger looked like rats had been gnawing on it.
Once I cut all the way around I thought I was through. This was wishful thinking of course. I wiped the blood off the tape so I could get a grip. Grabbed on tight, and pulled. Nothing happened, except I think I blacked out for a minute. Try and try again...
I wiped the blood off the tape again. Got another grip and pulled as fast and as hard as I could. Pop! I was so happy it came off so easy. Until I looked down. Another word of warning. You have muscle, nerves, and tendons. They are tough buggers, breaking your finger and cutting your skin are no match. I must say I have much more respect for surgeons now.
When I looked down I realized only my skin had come off. All of it, except the nail. That was a weird sight. It's not like in a movie. It no longer resembles a finger, just a three inch red glistening piece of meat (with a couple threads of blue thrown in), and it was barely bleeding. But if any of you has ever broken a tooth and know what it feels like when air hits a nerve, multiply that by a million. Or maybe a billion. It hurt so much I passed out not once, but over and over.
When I could finally think a little, I knew I had to hurry and get the rest off. At once I thought of the scissor attachment in my Swiss Army knife. I quickly found it, held the knife handle in my teeth (one useful hand remember), shaking immensely pulled open the scissors, took hold of them, took a deep breath, tried to steady my hands the best I could...and snip...
The deed was done, sort of. It never dawned on me exactly that I would have not even a stump to wrap after I did this. And I was losing quite a bit of blood now. No spurting like in the movies, but a steady stream none the less. So I took my trusty Bic lighter, sparked it up, held it beneath where my finger once was, shut my eyes, and held my breath. Another word of warning, shutting your eyes and holding your breath does not make pain any less painful.
I could only hold it for about 10 seconds, I think even that long only because I was already in so much pain. But it worked, The bleeding had stopped, and only the stinking sweet smell of burnt flesh remained.
Burned flesh has it's own smell. There is nothing like it. It really can be described as sickly sweet, but not sweet in a good way believe me. Anyway to end my ill fated endeavor, and in my extreme fear of germs, I comforted myself by pouring straight bleach over the wound...then quickly rinsed it off. Never use bleach on a wound, it starts off warm, then slowly becomes hell fire.
I wrapped my hand the best I could. Downed half a bottle of NyQuil, and tried to sleep. And sleep I did, more because of the ordeal and the shock as opposed the NyQuil.
So that is the story of me cutting off my own finger. I hope you enjoyed it, and the pleasure is all mine. Take care now, and go buy a Swiss Army knife. You’ll never know when you might need one!