Streamline your shopping!
Saturday, 22. December 2007, 23:29:47
I know that you are sick of driving everywhere and waiting in lines in crowded Wal Marts and Best Buys. Want to make your holiday shopping get done faster? Well, you can get all your Christmas gifts at one store: the grocery store.
Fill your family and friends full of delight and food this holiday. Here are some ideas (read: shopping list) for people on your list.
Girlfriend/Wife: A box of Hamburger Helper. You can be even more generous and include the ground beef, too!
Boyfriend/Husband: Ice cream cones. 12 pack of waffles cones will show him how much you are comfortable with his fat.
Mother: Eight pack of white Hanes panties. Yum!
Father: Value size napkins. Enough said.
Brother: Envelopes. They're great 'cause they're free (from the birthday card aisle.) Just don't take too many or the store might get mad. But fuck them, you're just trying to spread Christmas cheer! Take the whole fucking stack.
Sister: Bleach. Cost effective and quite versatile.
Nephew: Five bags of confectioner's sugar. You can put them in an old laptop box so he thinks he's getting that. You'll both crack up when he opens it and finds sugar. NOTE: Do not buy sugar if your nephew has ADD or something.
Niece: Vegetable oil. If she can't find a thousand things to do with that, then I'll reimburse you on the amount you paid for the oil.*
*Just kidding. There is no guarentee. Please don't e-mail me.
Grandparents: Some batteries. Try getting something cool like AAAA or 123 size batteries to surprise them. Additionally, you should splurge and get a good brand. You don't want to look like you're cheaping out, right?
Grandchildren: Bic lighters. Trust me, they'll love them!
Friends: A bag of To-Go fried chicken. Everybody likes chicken. Just don't get it too many weeks in advance. You wouldn't want to ruin their Christmas by giving them explosive diarrhea.
Other: Cans of tuna fish? Yeah.
Good luck and happy holidays!
Fill your family and friends full of delight and food this holiday. Here are some ideas (read: shopping list) for people on your list.
Girlfriend/Wife: A box of Hamburger Helper. You can be even more generous and include the ground beef, too!
Boyfriend/Husband: Ice cream cones. 12 pack of waffles cones will show him how much you are comfortable with his fat.
Mother: Eight pack of white Hanes panties. Yum!
Father: Value size napkins. Enough said.
Brother: Envelopes. They're great 'cause they're free (from the birthday card aisle.) Just don't take too many or the store might get mad. But fuck them, you're just trying to spread Christmas cheer! Take the whole fucking stack.
Sister: Bleach. Cost effective and quite versatile.
Nephew: Five bags of confectioner's sugar. You can put them in an old laptop box so he thinks he's getting that. You'll both crack up when he opens it and finds sugar. NOTE: Do not buy sugar if your nephew has ADD or something.
Niece: Vegetable oil. If she can't find a thousand things to do with that, then I'll reimburse you on the amount you paid for the oil.*
*Just kidding. There is no guarentee. Please don't e-mail me.
Grandparents: Some batteries. Try getting something cool like AAAA or 123 size batteries to surprise them. Additionally, you should splurge and get a good brand. You don't want to look like you're cheaping out, right?
Grandchildren: Bic lighters. Trust me, they'll love them!
Friends: A bag of To-Go fried chicken. Everybody likes chicken. Just don't get it too many weeks in advance. You wouldn't want to ruin their Christmas by giving them explosive diarrhea.
Other: Cans of tuna fish? Yeah.
Good luck and happy holidays!
At this point, I hear some lowly employee say "What the hell is going on?" I start to snicker. Then I hear that he calls the manager and has him come out to fix the TVs. So I walk away. So I ruined some guy's lunch break, so what? 
(25%)
WIDGETIZE