Woss on the Web

As you may or may not have gathered, I'm a big fan of Cheryl Cole. So what if most of her glossy locks come from Russian peasants? Who cares if she's about as vocally gifted as a chain-smoking seagull? As 20% of the best girl band of all time and 76% of the X Factor's visual appeal, I'm willing to overlook rather a lot of questionable behaviour on her part - bad husband, bad tattoos, bad dresses... It's fine, Cheryl, don't worry about it. Leopard print could happen to anyone, I still love you. Alas, this is why when I half-heartedly concede that her debut solo album isn't particularly amazing you should probably realise that it's one of the worst things ever. While I might be happy enough listening to Fight for This Love on repeat for an hour, for most people it isn't even worth illegally downloading, let alone actually buying.

HAVING SAID THAT, the title track and upcoming single 3 Words is very much worth a few sneaky seconds of torrenting, and possibly even ninety-nine pence of your hard-earned cash on iTunes. It's a hauntingly melancholic piece of pop magic, and unlike the rest of the album it sounds like people actually put some effort into it. The video's quite interesting too, though the blonde wig looks like something out of Britney's ill-fitting collection.



* I apologise for this

I clearly backed the wrong emotronic lameoid Canadian. Owl City seems to have the number 1 single in America, and I heard it being played on Radio 2 this morning. On record it's still a complete and utter cringefest, but is Fireflies any better live?



(That'll be a no then)

There's an easy way to avoid being savaged for disrespectfully insulting the memories of dead soldiers - in future don't bother hand-writing letters to their bereaved families. I can't imagine it ever took you much time or effort, being blind in one eye and the PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM and all, but no matter how much fun you were having maliciously misspelling surnames, you could probably do without the Sun kicking up a stink every time you mix up an M and an N.

Lots of love,
Me
xxx

One.
Watch my usual selection of appalling (AMAZING) television shows. A massive backload of Ugly Betty, 30 Rock and Gossip Girl is gathering virtual dust somewhere and it's very upsetting. I have been making time for Merlin at the expense of my shorthand, but only because I love him more than anything in the entire world. (see weird Lovefest post for further details)

Two.
Sit pointlessly awake into the early hours of the morning blinking at Wikipedia articles about various man-made disasters while listening to forlorn tunes by Anthony & the Johnsons or Leona Lewis. In a completely unrelated development, recently I've been filled with hope and general wellbeing.

Three.
Drink at inappropriate times of day for no reason other than a mild but persistent boredom. In a completely unrelated development, recently I've been filled with hope and general wellbeing.

Four.
Deal with the increasingly pressing issue of my ramshackle appearance. In an ideal world I would have lots of time to get my hair sheared back into something less hedge-like, buy a new coat, new boots and some new woolly things to wrap myself in when I feel pathetic, but I don't, so I haven't. I'M A COMPLETE MESS.

Five.
Blog This post has taken me three days and there are about twelve half-finished drafts below it, all of which are now hideously out of date. Yes, too much of anything can make you sick, but I fear for the future of Woss on the Web, readers. Sometimes I feel like we're sitting in reverse. Just like we're going backwards. We can only hope that as various deadlines approach I have a sudden desire to procrastinate with self-obsessed rubbish again, and find a place here that I can call home. I don't know where we're heading, but quitting's out of the question. We gotta fightfightfightfightfight for this blog. If it's worth having it's worth fighting foooooor.

Like I said, I'm a COMPLETE MESS.

I don't believe in guilty pleasures. If you like something you like it and there's really nothing more to it, unless you're one of those tedious people who spend their days sneering at the contents of other peoples' iPods before crawling home to sob alone with their Atomic Kitten backcatalogues. Having said that, I'm currently battling a fondness for two of the most awful albums to ever lurch out of Canada. The Listening and Ocean Eyes- by Lights and Owl City respectively - are alarmingly similar. Both are laden with catchy hooks, electro-pop pulses, and general likability. Less fortunately, they booth ooze with insufferable sugary sweetness, some of the most horrendous lyrics known to man ("I get a thousand hugs from ten thousand lightning bugs", trills Owl City at one point) and, well, general unlikeability. They may be going on tour together later this year, a pop culture apocalypse if ever there was one, but there is only room for one of them in my iTunes. How to decide? It's finally time to resurrect my much loved and 100% original school magazine feature VERSUS!


Round One: Name
Lights - Changed her name by deed poll to Lights this year. Lame? Yes, but less so when you realise she was originally saddled with 'Valerie Poxleitner'. Lights Poxleitner doesn't exactly work either though. 0
Owl City - Amazing. His off-stage name is irrelevant. +4

Round Two: Attractiveness
Lights - Glossy hair, shiny teeth, winning - though slightly robotic - charm +3
Owl City - Spends videos lurking in shadow, possibly deformed. Minus points for dated emo-teen hair. -2

Round Three: Best Lyric?
Lights - "The night is deafening when the silence is listening" +3
Owl City - "With fronds like these who needs anemones" +7

Round Four: Worst Lyric?
Lights - "We drank soda for wine" and a whole load of other repetitive I WISH I WAS A CHILD themed nonsense. -2
Owl City - "With fronds like these who needs anemones" -7

Round Five: Album Covers

Lights - Bad fonts. Bad colours. Inexplicable omission of nose. Bad. -5
Owl City - Vaguely relevant to the title but incredibly boring. Inexcusable omission of owls. -2

Round Six: Best Song?
Lights - 'Saviour' - An impressive piece of melancholic electropop magic +10
Owl City - 'On The Wing' - Very like the Postal Service. Nice guest vocals. +4

Round Seven: Worst Song?
Lights - 'Pretend' - Loathesome ode to childhood. -4
Owl City - 'Dental Care' - YES IT'S A WHOLE FUCKING SONG ABOUT DENTISTS -50


Round Seven: Twitter 'presence'
Lights - A stream of tiresome niceties. -4
Owl City - Mundane happenings interspersed with occasionally entertaining vegetable puns +1


Round Eight: Would I sleep with them?
Lights - No. 0
Owl City - No. 0

Round Nine: Would I listen to them if someone else was in the room?
Lights - Depending on how drunk we were, maybe. -5
Owl City - CHRIST NO. -10

Round Ten: Number of tolerable tracks on the album?
Lights - An impressive 13/13. About 6 of them are actually good too. +13
Owl City - 7/14. The other half of the record is beyond appalling. +7

Lights: 13
Owl City: -49


Lights 'wins'!



(If you want to see that again but worse, here's Owl City!)