Navadasha

Men Are Just Happier People--

bcoz'

• Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
  
• You can never be pregnant.
  
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  
• The world is your urinal.
  
• You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
  
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  
• Wrinkles add character.
  
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  
• One mood all the time.
  
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  
• You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  
• You can open all your own jars.
  
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
  
• One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
  
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
  
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
  

No wonder men are happier.

"I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to
sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2008 but godammit it was worth it."


Author unknown

I never do this. Really. I don't.

I never blog about a site, or really really ever recommend a site. But I just came across this little jem, that I think I can safely say is the funniest site on the WWW.

The best part about it is that you can sooo easily surf it using Opera Mini, and get a laugh whenever, whereever you're in the need for one.

Go to Bash.org to see what I am talking about.


(Most of you IRC folks would already know about this I believe. In that case, I apologise for all that excitement build-up, only to end in a sad dismay. Life's not fair is it?)


Copy-pasting some stuff from bash.org:


<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?



<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?




<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind




<aryov> This cake is soooo good
<aryov> it's like sex, except I'm having it





<tom_0369> man
<tom_0369> im never moving to seatle washington
<tom_0369> i flew over it and it was raining and gray as f***
<tom_0369> it was depressing
<sammich> when was this?
<tom_0369> flight simluator 2004




(morganj): 0 is false and 1 is true, correct?
(alec_eso): 1, morganj
(morganj): bastard.




Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude




<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense



<frank> can you help me install GTA3?
<knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
<knightmare> ...




<reo4k> just type /quit whoever, and it'll quit them from irc
* luckyb1tch has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* r3devl has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* sasopi has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* phhhfft has quit IRC (r`heaven)
* blackersnake has quit IRC (r`heaven)
<ibaN`reo4k[ex]> that's gotta hurt
<r`heaven> :(

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus?!? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you go live in an old age home. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, and you get ready for High Scool. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, then you finish off as an orgasm!! Amen"

[Update: After some fact checking inspired by this blog post commenters, this quote is indeed by the late George Carlin.]

Found this while cleaning up my personal mailbox. Its still funny as hell..


**Words of caution**
Some readers may find the material offensive.
Approach with caution.
**Words of caution**



Hello, I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on
final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by
anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking
chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you
send
them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on
her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before
her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and
everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh,
lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by
every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So
basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there
who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail
forwards.

Maybe the evil letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize
me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus
in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the
Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness
Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant
stupidity.
Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send me
something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this
poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel
from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking
care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel
guilty
about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead
elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter
he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up without
a love life for your entire life. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you'll find all your
clothes missing tomorrow morning.


THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:
(scroll down)
Make a wish!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
No, really, go on and make one!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Wish something else!!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Not that, you pervert!!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Is your finger getting tired yet?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun?
Hope you made a great wish

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you
don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped
by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.
It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones,
THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for
sending
them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for
sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!!
Good Luck!!!
-------------------------------------------------------


Chain Letter Type 2
Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a
starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no
legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved,
because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to
the
Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from
Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no
way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of
bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47
seconds.

Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people,
you
will die instantly. Thanks again!!

-------------------------------------------------------


Chain Letter Type 3
Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not
as many sad pricks with nothing better to do.

So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7
minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had
recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a
crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe
in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only
did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and
ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his
boyfriend
(hey, somepeople swing that way). They both died and went to hell and
were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip.
Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will
be okay.
-------------------------------------------------------

Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of
your friends.

Friends
A friend is someone who is always at your side, A friend is someone who
likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells like
you've been eating catfood, A friend is someone who likes you even
though you're as ugly as a hat full of arseholes, A friend is someone
who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself, A friend is someone
who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life, A
friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you
should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs, A friend is
someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and
leaves and doesn't speak much English... -no, sorry that's the cleaning
lady, A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he
wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll never have sex ever again.