I'm trying

Have you ever wanted to change yourself, move away and create a new identity. Have you accomplished this?

Today on DNTO (Definitely Not the Opera) Sook Yin Lee spoke with a few people who had accomplished this, created new lives for themselves. But the most interesting conversation was with writer Peggy Orenstein about "Growing up on Facebook".

Before the Facebook and other social networking sites young adults moved away from home and from their high school friends. They went to college, did crazy things and found new friends and new lives. But now kids leave the nest and keep in touch with their pals on social networking sites. They even post the crazy things (pictures too) they do for all the world to see. Sometimes they create new identities for all to see. I don't know, I'm kind of glad I don't have any photos of my orange hair and baggy red plaid pants let alone some of the silliness encountered in art school. I don't regret any of it but I'm glad there is no permanent record of my embarrassing situations and young adult angst. Isn't that why kids move away from home, so they can find out who they really are away from people who think they know who they are? I don't keep in touch with anyone from highschool and I don't feel sad about that at all.

Another thing talked about on the show was this fear of loneliness we all have. Facebook takes that all away. When going through a tough time instead of learning to be introspective all you have to do is post your feelings and not feel lonely. But does it really help? Do you grow from that experience? Moving away from home can be terrifying. The homesickness felt is a kind of culture shock. When a mother bear knows her cubs are ready to be on their own she kicks them out, runs them up a tree and leaves. Not saying that we need to be so harsh. Just saying that a little isolation is vital for personal growth.

When I first moved to Vancouver in my twenties I was so miserable and lonely! I made new friends, fell in love, but I was still lonely. I remember writing 20 page letters to one of my good friends. After a few years I then moved to Montreal. At first it was really scary but then I found that because no one really knew me there, I felt I could be myself. Again I wrote 20 page letters to one of my friends. (I wonder if he kept them?) Though it was cathartic I am so glad that only he read my personal thoughts. And then I moved back home and again I felt lost and lonely. A reverse culture shock. I had grown and changed and the people I knew had also changed. I found it difficult to relate to them. But, then I had an opportunity to work in China and decided to go. But really that was the best move I ever made. Absolutely no one knew me there! I was free! Not stuck in that role of shy girl, I was forced to be the gregarious foreign teacher willing to sing karaoke at the drop of a hat.

And now I'm back home again and now I think I know who I really am. Though sometimes I'm alone, I'm not lonely. I can't imagine how this all could of happened if I had people following my every move. Mistakes happen. Life happens. Change is enivitable. Yes you can change yourself, but it's a lot easier away from people who know you.

When I was younger I always felt I was someone different at home, someone else with my friends and lord who knows who at work. Now this person is one and the same. I don't know if I could've done this under the watchful eye of the internet. Sometimes I think I should divulge more personal things on my blog, but really, I'm happy that most of my life remains private. There are few here that really know me, and that's just fine!


****I'm not criticizing people for being on Facebook! Just wondering about the effects of internet networking on the growth of young people****

So my landlords have decided to put the house up for sale. They assume the new owners would want to keep me as a tenant, but I'm not so sure. In fact, all the "what ifs" are big enough, that I don't want to be stuck here with no good apartment prospects. This is the time to be looking I think.

What if?

The new owners have children. It will be too noisy. The floors are too creaky as it is.
They have a big ugly dog.
They decide to raise the rent.
They are not quiet, have big dinner parties all the time.
Have a big SUV that takes up the whole parking space.
Want me to pay utilities and internet costs
Are stingy with the heat.
I just don't like them.
They smell weird.
They are noisy canoodlers.
Have a big ugly cat.
They don't want a tenant.

Okay, send positive vibes for finding a great new apartment! It will happen!

I'm tired of hearing about Michael Jackson! I acknowledge his artistry, but hell, everyone dies. No one is invincible. I rarely feel much emotion for deaths of people I don't know personally. Though, when I watched Farrah Fawcett's footage of her battle with cancer, I did get a bit teary eyed. It was so personal, and so poignant how her companion, Ryan O'Neil was right there with her until the end. Isn't this something we all wish for, this kind of love? I feel sadness for MJ, how his life played out. The abuse he lived through as a child certainly shaped his strange character.

People die everyday. People who make real differences in our lives. Some of their accomplishments will only be known by a few. Some will never be known. Does it really matter anyway? Despite big egos, we all end up as worm food in the end.

It's a mad mad world.

I can't wait to go camping. News free, internet free for a whole week!

Change is inevitable that is the only certainty. Today I found out that I may not have much of a job this summer because not enough students have signed up for our summer camp. This seems unbelievable as we have always had a waiting list for our summer programs. A lot of our clients are fairly well off financially as well so we thought the down turn in the economy wouldn't affect them too much. Things may change though. My boss will give it another week before she will cancel the July session. I was really counting on this job for the summer. It has been quite ideal, work three weeks, two weeks off. Not quite the deal that classroom teachers have getting the whole summer off, but I don't have the same stress they do during the year. And I guess their jobs aren't always secure either. I've always been able to find work somehow, somewhere. At least I have a variety of skills from which to draw.

Went for a walk with a friend tonight. She makes the same salary as me but works longer hours, though she gets summers off. Well, she has a secure salary and I don't, that's the difference. But she agrees my job is better in many ways. I have more freedom, and my hours are much better. I wouldn't trade her life for mine though.

After the walk I came home and turned on the television. Not much on these days. I flicked through the channels and came to a PBS show with Dr. Wayne Dyer . He was talking about how we make excuses in our lives that really limit us. I think of myself as a pretty strong individual but like many people I guess there are excuses that I do make that prevent me from living a more abundant life.

It's all going to work out somehow. It always does. No excuses! I know what I want, time to make a plan.