It's a sign
Monday, 14. December 2009, 04:03:17
My pink hat has been found. Life is good 
Posts tagged with "love"
Nibhanna
Tuesday, 5. May 2009, 06:10:41
I think it happened! I had a moment of enlightment. I began sitting, quiet, all thoughts out of my head only concentrating on my breath rising and falling. When I suddenly felt something soft against my arm. I named it, soft. But soft wouldn't go away. I couldn't refocus on my breath because it was soft. I started to smile. Then there was some pressure on my lap, and I named it pressure. And I smiled some more, and just thought, smile. Then there was a sharp pain on my arm, a biting. I named it...LOLA! 
Silly cat, sitting on my lap, purring away while I tried to meditate. 
Silly cat, sitting on my lap, purring away while I tried to meditate.
Always new beginnings
Thursday, 23. April 2009, 05:49:32
Three years ago today I made my first blog post on Opera when I found myself isolated in a large 
oceanside Chinese city. Teaching English to spoiled rich kids. Living in a dungeon of an apartment where spiders as big as a CD cover lived. Where I had to climb I can't remember how many steps to get to my room. 300? I did that at least 6 times a day. I was recovering from a broken foot . 
My students would bring me Chinese medicine to bring down the swelling from all that climbing. The best thing about the experience? Well, some of the students, but mostly the opportunity to become a hermit and isolate myself from the world I had left. I didn't want to face people who wanted to know what happened and why.
I had been to China three times previously and had enjoyed it immensely. This time I went back out of neccessity, to pay off some debts incurred and to escape someone who had imprisoned my mind and soul with a lie of love. When I tell people the details of the story they really can't believe it. But I can look back clearly at it now and I can see I had no choice, and this was the best solution I could come up with at the time. Sometimes non action is not enough. Sometimes there are problems so great you cannot talk through them to solve them. Sometimes direct action is needed.
I didn't start my blog right away but waited a few months. At first I only posted some short paragraphs and uploaded some pictures. Actually, taking the pictures of this new city helped me get out of my head and to observe the world around me more closely. At first, I had no comments. I didn't really care, it was nice to be anonymous. And then slowly the comments came. I think it was Izzy, then JCL, Andy and Hungryghost. Then Louis and Aya. I started discovering the Opera community and reading other members' blogs. Some of us started a new club . Though I had never met any of these people in person they made me feel a little less lonely while I was shut away in my tower.
There are times that I miss China. Every few months I teach a seminar to adults wanting to go abroad and teach ESL. I tell them of my crazy experiences there. I loved that there was always newness in every situation. Whatever you may think about China, honestly you don't know anything about it until you have lived there. It's a place that makes you appreciate life. There is no place like it.
But I came back with a new strength , determined to make a new life. I've rediscovered the beauty of where I was born, the clean air, forests, mountains , lakes. I've found a job that I'm really confident with. I've reconnected with family and friends and have made a few new ones. The only piece missing is a new love. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Honestly, the only real love I have ever had is from my family and my good friends and my cat. But it's real and I'm not sad about it. Is romantic love true anyway? It is so fickle and brings power struggles and grief. Don't tell me it doesn't! And only with the determined and the passage of time does it grow into anything true. Oh, that's for another post.
And so it continues. Where is it all leading?
oceanside Chinese city. Teaching English to spoiled rich kids. Living in a dungeon of an apartment where spiders as big as a CD cover lived. Where I had to climb I can't remember how many steps to get to my room. 300? I did that at least 6 times a day. I was recovering from a broken foot . My students would bring me Chinese medicine to bring down the swelling from all that climbing. The best thing about the experience? Well, some of the students, but mostly the opportunity to become a hermit and isolate myself from the world I had left. I didn't want to face people who wanted to know what happened and why. I had been to China three times previously and had enjoyed it immensely. This time I went back out of neccessity, to pay off some debts incurred and to escape someone who had imprisoned my mind and soul with a lie of love. When I tell people the details of the story they really can't believe it. But I can look back clearly at it now and I can see I had no choice, and this was the best solution I could come up with at the time. Sometimes non action is not enough. Sometimes there are problems so great you cannot talk through them to solve them. Sometimes direct action is needed.
I didn't start my blog right away but waited a few months. At first I only posted some short paragraphs and uploaded some pictures. Actually, taking the pictures of this new city helped me get out of my head and to observe the world around me more closely. At first, I had no comments. I didn't really care, it was nice to be anonymous. And then slowly the comments came. I think it was Izzy, then JCL, Andy and Hungryghost. Then Louis and Aya. I started discovering the Opera community and reading other members' blogs. Some of us started a new club . Though I had never met any of these people in person they made me feel a little less lonely while I was shut away in my tower.
There are times that I miss China. Every few months I teach a seminar to adults wanting to go abroad and teach ESL. I tell them of my crazy experiences there. I loved that there was always newness in every situation. Whatever you may think about China, honestly you don't know anything about it until you have lived there. It's a place that makes you appreciate life. There is no place like it.
But I came back with a new strength , determined to make a new life. I've rediscovered the beauty of where I was born, the clean air, forests, mountains , lakes. I've found a job that I'm really confident with. I've reconnected with family and friends and have made a few new ones. The only piece missing is a new love. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Honestly, the only real love I have ever had is from my family and my good friends and my cat. But it's real and I'm not sad about it. Is romantic love true anyway? It is so fickle and brings power struggles and grief. Don't tell me it doesn't! And only with the determined and the passage of time does it grow into anything true. Oh, that's for another post.
And so it continues. Where is it all leading?
Some random thoughts on Right Speech
Tuesday, 10. March 2009, 17:54:53
Yesterday I was at the gym, working out on the leg curl machine. One of my knees is particularly messed up and so it requires certain exercises to be performed slowly and with great repetition. It's a little boring so sometimes I'll read while I do this exercise. Near the end of my set a man came up to me and very abruptly said, "YOU KNOW IT'S NOT A LIBRARY HERE. WHEN ARE YOU FINISHED?" It made me feel really defensive and so I pointed to the scar on my knee. He looked and said, "Oh." and then turned and walked away. After that, I decided to go even more slowly, to punish him I suppose, and to show my power. If he had come up to my and asked simply, "How many more sets do you have?" , I'm sure I would've hurried up. And then I kept obsessing about it, thinking, is it the fact I was reading while exercising that bothered him, or that I was going slowly? Either way, I would've gone the same speed.
I know that incident wasn't a big thing, but the way we speak to one another can be so harmful. It's so important to be mindful of what comes out of one's mouth. This doesn't mean you always have to be wishy washy and friendly. Sometimes mindful speech means speaking a truth that the reciever may not want to hear. To tell a lie is actually more harmful. Right speech also means not gossiping and not listening to gossip or slander, either verbally or written.
I know of someone who was a victim of gossip recently. This slander made this person very defensive and stressed. If you have something to clear up with someone, to say to them, it's important to say it to them directly and not through a third party. But, we all do it don't we?
Anyway, time to pack up for my mini vacation. And today I will do my best to practice mindfulness and right speech.
Buddha explained right speech as follows:
1. to abstain from false speech, especially not to tell deliberate lies and not to speak deceitfully
2. to abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others
3. to abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others
4. to abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth. Positively phrased, this means to tell the truth, to speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary.
I know that incident wasn't a big thing, but the way we speak to one another can be so harmful. It's so important to be mindful of what comes out of one's mouth. This doesn't mean you always have to be wishy washy and friendly. Sometimes mindful speech means speaking a truth that the reciever may not want to hear. To tell a lie is actually more harmful. Right speech also means not gossiping and not listening to gossip or slander, either verbally or written.
I know of someone who was a victim of gossip recently. This slander made this person very defensive and stressed. If you have something to clear up with someone, to say to them, it's important to say it to them directly and not through a third party. But, we all do it don't we?
Anyway, time to pack up for my mini vacation. And today I will do my best to practice mindfulness and right speech.
Buddha explained right speech as follows:
1. to abstain from false speech, especially not to tell deliberate lies and not to speak deceitfully
2. to abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others
3. to abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others
4. to abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth. Positively phrased, this means to tell the truth, to speak friendly, warm, and gently and to talk only when necessary.
Not enough
Saturday, 21. February 2009, 04:46:28
Sometimes I don't meditate everyday. I know. I'm not totally committed yet. I used to be, one hour in the morning, one in the evening, but something happened. Oh at lot of things happened. Life happened. I make excuses, like, I swim, and it's just like meditation. I run, the runner's high, meditation. I'm mindful in my work. I don't finger the nasty people cutting me off in traffic. I'm tired! It's all meditation Anyway.
I still go to my class. I suffer through an hour of sitting cross-legged until my feet have fallen asleep so badly that I can' t even stand up right away. I laugh when teacher tells us that the most common negative though going through a meditor's mind is "My cushion is too soft!", or "My cushion is too hard!"
I know the routine in meditation, there is always physical discomfort, but you get used to it as long as you persevere. My feet fall asleep but I ignore it as long as I can. I do this in my life too. I let the experience, sensation, happen, I bear with it and then I let it go. But sometimes it becomes too much, I know I cannot let it go. How can you let abuse just go on? If you can change, you change, have the intention, you change. What do you do if you cannot change? Think of the prisoners in the Nazi concentration camps. Victor Frankl wrote about it. He still found meaning in all that misery. He could do nothing about his situation but live and be happy.
So, I persevere through the sitting part of my class I guess right now, sitting is not the best kind of meditation for me I love the walking meditation and that is why I justify my swimming as the same. It's must be that monks couldn't do swimming meditation in those heavy robes!
So to the discourse this week. By the end of the lesson, it is late and most of us just want to go home. Actually a lot of us just want to go home. Perhaps to watch our taped episode of Lost. lol Myat (our teacher) asks if we had any questions. I am reluctant to ask, because for one, people want to go home, and second, I don't want to appear stupid. Asking a stupid question that prevents people from going home right after class. OH, NOT GOOD!
So Myat brought up the troubles in the world right now. Sigh. I think this is the last thing I want to hear. He starts talking, and I start thinking, where is he going with this? But I have had enough teachers in my life, that I know to just relax because there is a point. Funny, sometimes I wish people would relax with me when I talk like this. Really, there is a point!
What would a Buddhist do in these tough economic times? To make a long story short. He says from the teachings of Buddha, which were direct observations; one needs to form a support group. Get together with friends, or strangers of like interests. Maybe online. And then BITCH BITCH BITCH. (We all laughed to hear this little Burmese monk say BITCH! all the while smiling and laughing) He went on further to discuss this. Look at us, we are all searching for something and so we get together. We form a group and meditate. This is what we have in common. But, then he said, but it is not enough to just bitch. It is not enough just to blame others for what has happened. That is only negative energy. You have lost your job, your home. It is not the Buddhist way to blame. Bitch. Get it out. But now is the time to band with those friends and find solutions. Maybe a few will get together and say, hey, we can start a business together. Maybe a few will find some other solution to their troubles. Work together; do not expect someone else to solve your problem. Yes, sure you can find people to blame, but the world is far to complex to blame it on any one person or group. And what good does it do to blame them now? It's just negative energy. Negative energy.
I think next week I will ask a question.
I still go to my class. I suffer through an hour of sitting cross-legged until my feet have fallen asleep so badly that I can' t even stand up right away. I laugh when teacher tells us that the most common negative though going through a meditor's mind is "My cushion is too soft!", or "My cushion is too hard!"
I know the routine in meditation, there is always physical discomfort, but you get used to it as long as you persevere. My feet fall asleep but I ignore it as long as I can. I do this in my life too. I let the experience, sensation, happen, I bear with it and then I let it go. But sometimes it becomes too much, I know I cannot let it go. How can you let abuse just go on? If you can change, you change, have the intention, you change. What do you do if you cannot change? Think of the prisoners in the Nazi concentration camps. Victor Frankl wrote about it. He still found meaning in all that misery. He could do nothing about his situation but live and be happy.
So, I persevere through the sitting part of my class I guess right now, sitting is not the best kind of meditation for me I love the walking meditation and that is why I justify my swimming as the same. It's must be that monks couldn't do swimming meditation in those heavy robes!
So to the discourse this week. By the end of the lesson, it is late and most of us just want to go home. Actually a lot of us just want to go home. Perhaps to watch our taped episode of Lost. lol Myat (our teacher) asks if we had any questions. I am reluctant to ask, because for one, people want to go home, and second, I don't want to appear stupid. Asking a stupid question that prevents people from going home right after class. OH, NOT GOOD!
So Myat brought up the troubles in the world right now. Sigh. I think this is the last thing I want to hear. He starts talking, and I start thinking, where is he going with this? But I have had enough teachers in my life, that I know to just relax because there is a point. Funny, sometimes I wish people would relax with me when I talk like this. Really, there is a point!
What would a Buddhist do in these tough economic times? To make a long story short. He says from the teachings of Buddha, which were direct observations; one needs to form a support group. Get together with friends, or strangers of like interests. Maybe online. And then BITCH BITCH BITCH. (We all laughed to hear this little Burmese monk say BITCH! all the while smiling and laughing) He went on further to discuss this. Look at us, we are all searching for something and so we get together. We form a group and meditate. This is what we have in common. But, then he said, but it is not enough to just bitch. It is not enough just to blame others for what has happened. That is only negative energy. You have lost your job, your home. It is not the Buddhist way to blame. Bitch. Get it out. But now is the time to band with those friends and find solutions. Maybe a few will get together and say, hey, we can start a business together. Maybe a few will find some other solution to their troubles. Work together; do not expect someone else to solve your problem. Yes, sure you can find people to blame, but the world is far to complex to blame it on any one person or group. And what good does it do to blame them now? It's just negative energy. Negative energy.
I think next week I will ask a question.
As it is...
Thursday, 12. February 2009, 06:43:02
My meditation classes are on Wednesday nights. It's a good thing but it is also bad because Wednesday is "Lost" night. This stresses me . My body wants to be on the couch watching my favorite show. My mind is occupied with the thoughts of this week's episode. As a result, I don't look forward to my meditation. I begin to resent it. I think of excuses to not go. I work hard, I need relaxation time. This is my show! I have taken an intensive meditation retreat before, why do I need to rehash this all over again! Things are not as they should be and this causes pain and suffering!
Even though I tape the show, I still feel this craving and a bit of annoyance to have to sit through the tedious process of becoming mindful. Hell, why not just put my feet up, have a glass of wine. WHY NOT!
Swimming is also stressful right now. There are too many people coming to the sessions. Sometimes there are eight in a lane. I often move over to a slower lane so I can at least lead the workout. This is not as it should be! Coach has too many people to watch now. How can he watch me! I miss him winking at me! As a result I haven't been going regularly. I don't really enjoy getting whacked in the head or kicked because of the overcrowded conditions. I make excuses to not go. It's not as it should be, it's not what I expect. I'm not getting a good workout as before. I remember how it used to be and long for that time where I looked forward to swimming. It's not as it should be.
Let's not even get into the negativity in my job. Nope , not going there.
And, a personal relationship ended recently. At first it wasn't too bad (well it was bad actually), though, I was glad to be rid of the negative aspects. But lately, I have been craving the good things about having a close relationship again. I remember the good times, the fun, the laughs, the learning. I have a great desire to have that again. It makes me sad that it is all over. Why does it have to be over? Don't we all love that feeling of being in love at the very start? Who wouldn't want that? That's how it SHOULD BE. And if it's not as it should be, as I want it, as we want it, suffering begins.
Clinging and desire is the cause of all pain and suffering. I know this intellectually. And I know how to meditate and have control of these cravings and fleeting thoughts. But I haven't been mindful to this lately and so have focused greatly on my own personal misery. Me me me. How boring. It's not even a good problem to have.
I'm glad I went to meditation tonight because the lecture afterwards was on the very things that I have been clinging to this week. During the lecture, after sitting, meditating for an hour, I had this huge surge of energy, of warmth. I almost started crying as I realized what I had been doing to myself this week. Time to be more mindful now.
Everything is as it is. Breathe, smile, let go.
Even though I tape the show, I still feel this craving and a bit of annoyance to have to sit through the tedious process of becoming mindful. Hell, why not just put my feet up, have a glass of wine. WHY NOT!
Swimming is also stressful right now. There are too many people coming to the sessions. Sometimes there are eight in a lane. I often move over to a slower lane so I can at least lead the workout. This is not as it should be! Coach has too many people to watch now. How can he watch me! I miss him winking at me! As a result I haven't been going regularly. I don't really enjoy getting whacked in the head or kicked because of the overcrowded conditions. I make excuses to not go. It's not as it should be, it's not what I expect. I'm not getting a good workout as before. I remember how it used to be and long for that time where I looked forward to swimming. It's not as it should be.
Let's not even get into the negativity in my job. Nope , not going there.
And, a personal relationship ended recently. At first it wasn't too bad (well it was bad actually), though, I was glad to be rid of the negative aspects. But lately, I have been craving the good things about having a close relationship again. I remember the good times, the fun, the laughs, the learning. I have a great desire to have that again. It makes me sad that it is all over. Why does it have to be over? Don't we all love that feeling of being in love at the very start? Who wouldn't want that? That's how it SHOULD BE. And if it's not as it should be, as I want it, as we want it, suffering begins.
Clinging and desire is the cause of all pain and suffering. I know this intellectually. And I know how to meditate and have control of these cravings and fleeting thoughts. But I haven't been mindful to this lately and so have focused greatly on my own personal misery. Me me me. How boring. It's not even a good problem to have.
I'm glad I went to meditation tonight because the lecture afterwards was on the very things that I have been clinging to this week. During the lecture, after sitting, meditating for an hour, I had this huge surge of energy, of warmth. I almost started crying as I realized what I had been doing to myself this week. Time to be more mindful now.
Everything is as it is. Breathe, smile, let go.
Six more weeks?
Saturday, 7. February 2009, 08:45:21
I'm not holding onto that thought. The chickadees are singing their love songs. Lola is rolling in the sun. It's light when I wake up and light when I come home. Spring is here as far as I know. New beginnings once again.
travel on
Saturday, 6. December 2008, 09:05:40
How joyful to look upon the Awakenedand to keep company with the wise.
Follow then the shining ones,
the wise, the awakened, the loving,
for they know how to work and forbear.
But if you cannot find
friend or master to go with you,
travel on alone---
like a king who has given away his kingdom,
like an elephant in the forest.
---From the Dhammapada
5 good things about today...
Thursday, 28. August 2008, 05:15:30
1. Lying on the floor in the learning centre, breathing, relaxing, visualizing. Opening my eyes and seeing 24 young bodies doing the same thing.
2. Going for a walk in the early evening and encountering a bear feeding on a berry bush. It huffed at me, an aggressive move. I just backed away and said, "Nice bear. Good bear."
3. Finding a DVD of the short lived t.v. series "Twitch City" at the library. You cannot believe how happy I am about that!
4. It's pouring rain outside and Lola still insists on going out, sitting in a dry corner of the patio, watching the birdies.
5. Having someone special to come home to.
2. Going for a walk in the early evening and encountering a bear feeding on a berry bush. It huffed at me, an aggressive move. I just backed away and said, "Nice bear. Good bear."
3. Finding a DVD of the short lived t.v. series "Twitch City" at the library. You cannot believe how happy I am about that!
4. It's pouring rain outside and Lola still insists on going out, sitting in a dry corner of the patio, watching the birdies.
5. Having someone special to come home to.
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