Saysame (Says-a-me)

I visited my 86 years old mother on Thursday and we had a little “chat.” It wasn’t long before she went off into her judgmental rant in a scathing and berating attack of her three year old great granddaughter. When I tried to talk to her saying that she was only three years old and had no idea of what you were talking about and why, and that what she was doing was in innocence, she came back with, “All that didn’t matter, she should know better.” She then went on to say that she was only joking, but then a few sentences later, she said that she meant what she said as it was the truth. I asked her what it was, a joke or the truth, it can’t be both.

I knew I couldn’t get her to see past her judgmental point of view and as she went on, I noticed that the tools she used to try to get what she wants and to be in control are the use of veiled threats, (while appearing to be nice – being Christian) bribery and cohesion, oh poor me, and withdrawing, to in attempt to punish others for their actions.

When she finished with that rant she then flipped to other judgments and when I called her on them and mentioned her strong “born again” Christian beliefs that she wasn’t following. She went off into her “oh poor me” song and dance, and then into her self-hatred mode saying that nothing she does or says is good enough and stated that she wasn’t going to visit or say anything anymore and that she just wanted to die and be with the Lord.
I told her that she has been using that “I just want to die” line all her life. With that she went into an attack and quilting mode, telling me that I didn’t understand and that I was not a loving son to say such a thing.

When I told her that I didn’t hate her for all the things that she did, or didn’t do when I was a child, but that I thanked her for helping me experience the things I needed to heal, that I love her, but not in the way she loves me. After that she went back into her “oh poor me,” mode and started the cycle all over again, but this time I just let her rant. When she noticed that she wasn’t getting a rise out of me, she said, I can’t talk with you anymore as you don’t understand. I said, “Yes, I understand, but I don’t agree with you and that is where we are different.” I tried to get her to talk of my early child hood and hers, but she wasn’t very forthcoming and so I let her talk about what she wanted to talk about.

Some people say that I live in another world and that I’ve lost touch with reality. That I’m a loner, a misfit and off in my own little world, cocooned in a bubble to keep me safe and others out. If there is a bubble around me, it’s not for protection, but is love, self-love, the result of ending my denials. It’s not that I’m trying to keep others out, but that others don’t want to come into my space. When I feel the presence of denial and unloving energy being directed at me, I feel compelled to express myself, exposing their denials and unloving intent. If ending their denials is not their intent, then the result of our meeting is in them moving away from me and back to their right place.

I look forward to meeting a woman that I can connect with to further our mutual healing and self empowerment, and to also connect with others that have conscious intent to end their denials and heal and empower themselves, to experience life and love in a new world, and to bring Heaven to Earth.

2010 Dec 07 I’ve been editing my third book, preparing to publish it, and in the process I’ve been reading and feeling the messages that I got years ago that have been activating me. There has also been a recent flurry of activity in The Heart Centre group on Tribes, with a couple of ex-members rejoining the group and posting comments. I found it interesting that they were either confused, in denial, were spouting misinformation, or were on another page like Marian was in Post 728 What’s up with Sushi and Post 729 Misinformation and Confusion

While I wasn’t activated by any of their comments, I think it was a combination of my interaction with Marian, reading my messages in my book, their posts, and in particular the latest post and last two sentences that read…

“Your own light seemed very adequate to me, I can't see where you needed more light thrown at you. I don't think it was about your need, though it was about his.”


The words “light” and “his” struck a chord in me and made me realize that I was in denial, and that I was hiding my light under a bushel basket as that was one of the messages I read the other day while editing my book. The message was that I was pretending that I didn’t know or feel when I did, and that I was afraid to shine too bright for fear of what it would bring to me. I thought to myself, right, I have awareness of my denials, and so now I have a choice, to stay in denial or to end my denials. I chose the latter and instead of giving myself love with conditions, I now gave myself unconditional love in that moment. I edited my introduction to the group, as well as posting a thread, telling the members what I did and why.

Most of the people I talk to are where I was in my journey some 12 – 18 years ago, and so I know what they are going through, “Been there done that.” For years now, I’ve downplayed my healing experiences and knowing when I’ve tried to help others that were struggling like I did years ago. By doing that, I’ve been hiding my light under a bushel basket, so to speak and that hiding is yet another form of the unseen role of denial. It’s taken me years to finally come to this place of acceptance within myself to remove the basket and to let my light shine as I have never allowed it to shine.

Of course there will be those "Naysayers" that will consider me all kinds of things, but that is par for the course and nothing new, as they’ve done that in the past when I tried to shine my light and truth. So I felt I was dammed if I did, and dammed if I didn’t. What they now think or say is not important, as what is important is that I am no longer denying who I am, what I’ve experienced and am now sharing. It was my denials of myself that were being reflected to me, by them denying me. Now that I’m accepting myself and being real, I look forward to the next part of my journey and uncovering yet more aspects of the unseen role of denial.

2010 Nov. 03 Wed. 3:48 am. I’ve been awake for a couple of hours, tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep, but instead, I’ve been having thoughts of fighting all kinds of people in my mind, and over all kinds of different things and issues. I just now realized that these are not my thoughts, and that they either belong to Marian, , another person, or to society. It doesn’t really matter who they belong to, as I’m sending them back to where they came from. I then stated the following intent out loud.

“I send back this energy to whoever it is coming from. I do not accept them, and I reject any thoughts and energy that are not mine, or that are not of love and light, seeking life.”

I rolled over and within a few minutes, I drifted off to a peaceful sleep and awoke at 7:45 am

One of the things that I’ve noticed with this company is that they are pretty liberal and open minded. By that I mean that they have approximately 40 people working for them and that they range in age from 16 to 75 years old, with slightly more women than men. A couple of people are mentally challenged while a few others are on prescription drugs that inhibit their mental awareness and physical abilities. There are also 3 or 4 older people that are also a little slower than others.

There are a couple of things that I’ve come to realize from this experience and that is we each are given the same amount of money for our labor, even though we all have different abilities. It reminds me of the parable in the Bible of the workers in the field (Matt: 20:1 – 20:16) where different people were asked to work in the field, and each were given the same amount of money, regardless of how long they worked. It doesn’t matter what we are doing, the key is to do the best we can in that moment, but, without being in denial. Not being in denial, takes us into the “now” moment, where we are not just doing, but also Being.

That leads to the second thing which is as we are doing we are being, and as a Spiritual Being, we are also connected to the Source from which each of us obtains our light, our ENERGY. We presently believe that the source of our power is money, and we love that having money gives us the power to enable us to do the things we like, oblivious to the fact that we are for the most part doing the things that we really don’t like or want to do, but have to in order to get money. We are totally unaware that we each receive the same amount of unlimited light (Love) from the Source, no matter how we are manifested, or how we choose to manifest our reality. What we fail to realize is that we only need to accept this unlimited source of power in order to change our reality to what we desire. Money can be compared to energy, and energy to love. So instead of working for money (energy) to give us the power to create what we desire, we need to be open to receive the unlimited source of energy and power that is love, to enable us to create what we desire without money.

I know that there is more to this, but that is all I have gotten to this moment.

As I mentioned in my post on the battle of the sexes, the real healing that needs to take place is in ending this inner battle between Spirit [mind, thought, intellect, ideas and reason] and Soul [Will, feelings, emotions, and knowing].

Part of the Will’s knowing that is the least understood and accepted are its psychic abilities, or what is commonly referred to as ESP. Empathy, intuition, clairvoyance, telepathy, clairaudience, clairsentience, precognition, telekinesis, psychometry, etc. are all qualities attributed to the Will. And while all of these qualities are unique and important, by far the most important attribute of the Will is its ability to “feel” and differentiate between what is loving and what is not loving. Not by words or deeds, which is how the Mind (Spirit) defines love, but by a feeling that is beyond words or even the need for words. The feeling of Love is Heartfelt and in the moment of the experience, and unlovingness is felt in a similar manner. This is the Will, the true Will, its true power, and it is these qualities and abilities that have been suppressed, denied and subsequently lost. It is this Lost Will that needs to be found and healed, and that can only happen if the Mind is willing to allow its Will unconditional expression in the moment it is felt, and not the pretense of acceptance and the conditional and limited expression that the Will has been forced to accept.

Lost Will occurs whenever we have a traumatic experience and fragmentation occurs, where the Mind is confused and in doubt, and makes survival type judgments and denies the Wills expression. How this occurs is another topic, but what is important to realize is that what was denied, became lost and placed outside ourselves, and it is this lost Will that needs to be found and healed in order to empower ourselves and return our personal lost Will to wholeness, and become co-equal partners with the Mind (Spirit).

A common misconception is that expressing ones feelings and emotions when activated (triggered into a fight, run or give up mode) is expressing your lost Will’s feelings and emotions and is healing your lost Will. That is not, repeat NOT, your Will that you are expressing when you are already activated, as that means that you have already gapped and so any feelings and emotions that you are expressing are false feelings and emotions that are aligned and supported by the beliefs and judgments of your gapped Mind. However, being activated is an opportunity to reclaim your lost Will, if, instead of the Mind gapping in denied anger or RAGE, you allow your Mind to go into the gap (with Heart Presence) in the moment that you realize that you are being activated. That is when and where you will find your Lost Will, and it is then that you can allow your lost Will the opportunity to express itself with unconditional love, and not the false feelings and emotions or the denied anger or Rage that you would have been expressing had you gapped.

Empowering yourself is all about recovering your personal lost Will, and especially in freeing and healing the lost parts of your Will that can differentiate between what is loving and what is not. Without this part of your Will being free and actively involved in your journey and experiences, nothing changes and you are not only doomed to repeat your mistakes and unpleasant experiences, but to continue your downward spiral to oblivion. We, as society, are now at the mid-point, the dawn of a new age, and if we continue denying our Will as we have been doing, we are putting ourselves on the path of self-destruction. Of course, many will continue to do as they have been doing, as it is their nature or their choice.


"When you find yourself, you no longer feel lost and alone..." JR

’09 June 25 Thursday 5: 12 a.m. Not wanting to be sick, weak, or old is hating the body for holding and expressing what it is, in the same way that not wanting to feel any negative emotions that the Will is holding. Not liking any part of my body is rejecting it and if I'm rejecting it, denying it, then what I’m allowing to enter my Body is unloving light and death, instead of loving light and life.

I've been feeling off for a while now and I haven't been walking or exercising and this morning I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I have a sore throat, my bones are aching and I'm running a temperature. All I can think of is that I don't want to be sick and also that this is the same way that I used to treat my Will. If I don't want to feel this, I have to fix it. Trouble is that my first thought is for a quick fix, but I know that a quick fix solution doesn't solve the problem but only offers a temporary solution. What I need to do is to find the underlying cause of why I feel this way, of what my body is holding. So while healing the body may sound like loving intent, the intent is bent if it is just focusing on the superficial issues and not addressing the underlying cause of why the body is the way it is.

Note: Michael Jackson (50 years old) and Farrah Fawcett (62 years old) both died today MJ of a suspected heart attack and Farrah Fawcett of colon cancer.

JR

'09 June Although I had gotten the message in post 511 it never registered with me as I had totally forgotten about it, in fact, I had previously thought that the psychopathic killer and Lucifer were fragmented parts of God that had broke off and had gone out to attack, and has struck the Will.

The first part of Spirit that went out to attack the Will was the psychopathic killer and the second was Lucifer. What unloving energy that didn’t penetrate the Will and imprint it, was repelled, (reversing its polarity in the process) and sent back toward Spirit, striking Spirit and imprinting it before rolling off out into creation. Both Will and Spirit were imprinted by these attacks, Will believing that Spirit was attacking it, and Spirit that it was the Will that was leading the attack, unaware that it was its own energy that was being repelled by the Will. Both the psychopathic killer and Lucifer are not fragments, but are what God in (RUOW) calls differentiation, or different aspects of self. But in this experience there was differentiation and fragmentation happening at the same time. First in Spirit differentiating and attacking Will, and when the Will was attacked, it fragmented as a result of being struck by this differentiated energy. Then, when the aspects of the psychopathic Killer and Lucifer that were repelled by the Will, returned to source and struck Spirit, Spirit also fragmented as now this energy of the Psychopathic killer and Lucifer were of reversed polarity.

I feel that differentiation is more like a cause, whereas fragmentation is the effect. A fragment is created when essence is being attacked and is in a state of confusion, doubt, and shock, where it either can’t, or isn’t allowed to express itself in order to gain understanding of what it is experiencing. Fragmentation occurs when the parental part feels that it needs to do what it has to do in order to survive. The Mind, does what it things is best for all concerned and unwittingly cuts that part of itself off by denying it unconditional expression. In denying and cutting this part of itself off it wasn't originally of unloving intent, but by unconscious denial, it none the less was unloving. Denial is non-acceptance, no movement, no freedom, hate, conditions and death and by denial we give ourselves the opposite of what we desire which is freedom, acceptance, love and life.

I feel that the psychopathic killer is buried in our subconscious, that gets stirred whenever it’s imprints are triggered, while Lucifer is in our conscious mind where he is identified as the inner critic trying to be in control of all our experiences. It’s interesting that now I see Lucifer, or rather, Luciferian light as being a part of my being, a differentiated aspect of myself that is running on old imprints and programs, and that is trying to take control of my Spirit (mind) and thereby take control of my Will and Body. I now realize the significance of a message I got a few years ago, which was that whenever I identified the voice of the inner critic, I was to say…. “I do not accept you, move back to the point of creation where you originated and reverse your polarity.”

These are parts of the God particle of our being but they are not fragments, they are differentiated aspects of our being that attacked the Will and Spirit, directly or indirectly. Lucifer through the inner critic, uses the tools of attack, doubt, confusion, guilt, and shame and the programs and beliefs that are in the Mind to control Mind to get it to deny the Will so that it can be in control. Once the Will that can feel differentiation is controlled, ahhhh! So that is the “key.” As it’s only the Will that can tell if something is loving or not, by how it feels, and as long as the Will is being denied, Lucifer has control of the Mind. And once he has control of the mind, he also has control of the Will, Body and Heart and he has become God in his place. While God, Spirit (Mind), sits in the background confused and bewildered, unable to solve any problems as it is unaware of its denials of the Will are what have created all this.

Rage is the blind fury of the psychopathic killer, that unloving energy that is buried in the subconscious that stirs whenever it’s old imprints and programs are triggered to attack what it deems to be a threat, whereas Lucifer is consciousness, that attacks with cold, calculating indifference that feigns love and kindness but has a hidden agenda to not only control and manipulate all parts of our being, but others as well..

I was reminded of a previous post of the Mayan saying… “In lak'ech” The Mayan translation is, "I am another yourself" as now I see it also in a different light.

JR

In healing and empowering yourself, you need to end your denials of the unpleasant experiences you are having that are for your healing benefit. Someone “saving” you is not doing you a service or being loving, by denying you the opportunity to heal your issues that the unpleasant experiences were providing you. Not “saving” others means allowing your family and friends free Will and choice to experience what they are experiencing that will also allow them to heal and empower themselves.

In my third eye, I just saw children, young children and babies suffering. I felt the urge to want to help, but even helping one child meant that I was now going to be responsible for that child and the more that I do to “save” the more I limit myself as I now I can’t just leave them, as they “need” me and if I did want to get away, I would need to get another person to look after them. It’s subtle, but saving others out of responsibility, duty, guilt or whatever worthy cause is a way of getting in the old world of denial and control. By helping, I was also limiting and denying their experience and healing opportunity.

Aggggg! That’s so difficult to accept, but then my old judgments are that a child is supposed to have a happy childhood, be healthy and educated, get a job, get married and have children and live a happy life. That’s part of my imprints, programs and beliefs and also, lost hopes, dreams and desires based in the old world reality.

Who is to say that the child’s purpose was to experience exactly what they are experiencing. This is their reality and even though it goes against all my old imprints, programs and beliefs, it is the truth and so the loving thing for me to do is to accept its choices and experiences just as I had to accept all the unloving experiences I had, based on the choices I had made for my journey… Hummm? Am I missing something?

Love is
Compassion – not judgment
Connection – not attachment
Acceptance – not denial.

JR

’08 Dec 25 9:21 am Marian was up earlier and had already had her breakfast, and was reading the local paper at the kitchen table. As I sat down to eat my breakfast she commented on "having" to get the car mirror fixed and on “having” to do it when she was going to Toronto in early January and that she would "have" to do it before her 3:00 pm appointment, and that she "had" to get it fixed before it would cause other problems, with snow and water getting in to the electrical system. She put emphasis on the key words like it was a great sacrifice on her part, that had to be noted

As she was speaking I felt this yucky "tone" in her voice and later I got what my real issues are. I felt that "I" did something wrong and that other people have to live with, or fix what I did. It’s a blame and guilt trip that says I am responsible, not only for what I break, but also for making other people happy, and that it’s my fault that they are not happy.

It’s my fault that she is inconvenienced and it’s my fault for whatever she wants to come up with that she can and will use against me, and the fact that it was me that broke the mirror and caused whatever it is she feels is related to that. Whatever goes wrong, can always be traced back to my breaking the mirror and blaming me for the problem.

Make one mistake and you’ll pay for it for the rest of your life. A part of me, my denied rage says just give her the fucking money and get her off your back and end this bullshit. I know that that is not the solution and that even if I did “buy” my way out, she would still use it as a “remember when” to get at me in some other way.

This also reminds me of my childhood, when I’d have an accident or make a mistake and my mother would never let me forget it. It was the ammunition she used to ensure that I would do as I was told and do it the way that pleased her.

Hummmmm? this also has links to the catholic church, as it wasn’t just a matter of doing something physically wrong or having an accident, but it also involved all the religious BS and dogma of how I was supposed to behave according to the church and the word of god. One wrong look or action was enough to be caught in the grips of the unholy alliance (church and mother) and I’d be marked as a sinner that then had to redeem himself. As I’m typing this, I’m angry at the hypocrisy of religion, that forces it’s totalitarian dogma and control on its unwitting subjects in the name of love… It’s not love, it’s fucking hate and indifference, disguised as love.

10:00 am Marian came into my room and told me that she had unpacked a couple of totes and some boxes and that now she "needs" shelves put up, so that she can unpack the rest of the stuff. When she said "I need," the feeling tone and the unspoken words were… "I need you do put up the shelves." In other words, she expects me to fulfill her wants and "needs" and while it wasn’t said, I could also feel the feeling coming from her that I owe her, as that was all she said to me and she turned and left my room and went upstairs, not even waiting for an answer.

JR