Scousebr's Place

Why Football Grounds Are Like Women

1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play
2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald
3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends
4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner
5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground
6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities
7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited
8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings
9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner
10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back
11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles
12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground
13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies
14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches
15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie
16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy
17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should
18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes
19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches
20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week
21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead
22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf
23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player