screamin

August 09

Thursday, 30. July 2009, 12:21:20

G'day all , hope the past month has been good to ya . My fucking computer is still in getting repaired , the guy has had it since Easter bastard . I'm starting to think he has sold it and pissed off to some tropical Island . Drinking beer and pissing himself laughing .

Anyway let's get going with this .......

An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become Irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain. Anyway the Englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and says "I'm terribly sorry, there's been a mistake to be sure, we accidentally removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!" The Englishman sits up and simply says "She'll be right, mate!"

Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed" answered the kid. "Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion!? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened to you little Bruce?" "Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fucking Arabs!"

A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in." A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "IN?!"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

i hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the tube and think, 'I'll have that!'

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy says "What's his name?" Mick replies "Miles from London!"

What happens when you give the world some free beats

see here

Teresa Fidalgo , this is very freaky

see here

Skating Babies

see here

Pulling a Boner

see here

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Guess Her Muff

see here

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Only
great
minds can read
this
This is weird, but
interesting!

fi
yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of
100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to
a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't
mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are,
the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can
be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn
mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

well that's it for another month , hope you can call back sometime

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

No comments

July 09

Friday, 26. June 2009, 10:05:07

G'day all , Hope you are all well . Half way through the year already so I suppose it's nearly hump day , it's all down hill to new year

And on another note , Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson have passed away .

Michael Jackson's Family have consented and given Michael's body away to Lego...He will be melted down so that little boys all over the world can continue to play with him .

Reports of Michael Jackson dying are incorrect. He was caught in the children’s ward having a stroke.

Jockeys at tomorrows Flemington meeting will wear black armbands out of respect for Jacko who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory

Aborigines in Darwin have pooled all their $900.00 Stimulus payment from Kevin Rudd, formed a corporate and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand. Apparently they are all going to move up there and become Thai-Coons.

Northern Territory drinks most alcohol in the world

aussie, aussie, aussie

see here

Will it Blend

see here

Compare Google with Bing and Alpha

here

Cricket wisdom: The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important!

A guy had just bought a brand new M3, intent on putting it to the test he'd taken it to the twistiest and most demanding country lanes he knew. He was burning through each bend at considerable speed, taking every corner like the car was on rails, the adrenalin was truly pumping, what a car!! Out of nowhere he has to swerve to avoid a head-on with a woman in some shit-heap, she's going way faster than the car can handle and holding on to the steering wheel for dear life through gritted teeth she screams at him "PIG!". He has the window down in a flash and hollers back at her at the top of his voice "CUUUUUUUUUNT". Around the next bend he crashes into a pig.

The West Australian Police are cracking down on speeders heading towards, and into the city of Perth. For the first offense, they give you two Dockers match tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

FUNNY TENANT COMPLAINTS FROM THE UK

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
3. ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
5 My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
10. ... 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had one of your men down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get ABC.
22. My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.
23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
24. ... it's his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

Things that excite me!

here

What happens when ya screw yer ex-wife

here

It's Saturday Nite, let's Partay

here

nudie pics

here

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A man is teaching his son how to masturbate. The son says "This is great fun, dad!". The father replies "I know and when you turn 13 you can start using your own cock."

Mathew Johns got his job back at channel nine. The female apologised and said she wasn't aware of the unlimited interchange rule.

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married". "Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks. "Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee." the mother says. The daughter replies "Why the fuck would he want to put his thongs in the sink...?"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Well that's it for another month , see ya all next time

or email me here

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?