In all honesty ...
Tuesday, 20. May 2008, 01:17:47
I'm afraid this one is going to hurt. If you're looking for something to cheer you up, look elsewhere.
I don't really talk about my life that much. Well, it's not much of a life anyway - I mean, a guy with a Ph.D. in math who delivers newspapers for a living. Or did anyway ...
I actually lost that job almost a year ago. I've still been helping some other people deliver papers from time to time, but - well, things have been real quiet of late.
I really loved that job, even though part of me knew all along that it wouldn't last. In my case you could take that literally ... I've used the term before but it doesn't come up very often, I'm what's called schizoid. People talk about "professional detachment", in my case I'm so detached that usually I don't even know how I feel. There are exceptions of course - and losing that job was one of them.
When I say "part of me knew ... it wouldn't last" you may be wondering why. No, not magic, also not part of me working to sabotage my chances (or at least, not that I know of) - in this case it was simple mathematics. It is a very demanding job, especially the schedule. I'd been let go once before for having a couple of accidents in company vehicles, fatigue and inattention will do that to you, so I knew that as long as my responsibilities remained the same it was bound to happen again. They accommodated me as best they could, but it was only a matter of time ...
But really I'm getting away from my story. Another part of my personality is that I really need to feel needed - and that's why I loved that job so much, they regularly told me how much they needed me. And when it finally happened they really went to bat for me - but the problem there is the insurance company, not my actual employer.
So anyway ... well, I just couldn't deal with it. I just shut down. The only thing that kept me going was my online friends and my responsibilities here, even though I never discussed it.
Believe me, it isn't easy being unemployed and depressed. It helped that I was living in my parents' basement, but I provided all my own food all that time - and helping people out on their paper routes doesn't pay much let me tell you. So what's changed? Well ... obviously Dad thinks of me as a freeloader, I was supposed to be paying rent and such, so now he's planning to kick me out.
Don't take this wrong, he really is a great guy and all. But we never really talk. Not that I'm very good at talking anyway, I can handle "small talk" in any crowd but when we're done you really won't know anything more about me as a person. But you know, taking to Dad is about like talking to a brick wall. And sometimes he says the stupidest things - things you know aren't true but he sounds like he believes them. And even if I were one to try to argue with him, it wouldn't do any good. Add to that the fact that when I was working we never saw each other just due to the scheduling.
Dad says that I really need to get a job, which is true of course but it's not that easy. I need to talk with someone, to get some understanding and emotional support so that I don't have to face everything by myself ... if things were different maybe he could have done that, but I wonder if it's a hopeless cause at this point.
The other day he asked me if I'd made any plans for what I was going to do. I'm sure he doesn't realize that I answered his question when I made a comment about needing to feel useful ... the fact of the matter is I can't plan. If he kicks me out, then I have no emotional support at all because I won't be able to keep in touch with you guys or my other online friends. For someone like me - unemployed, depressed, homeless and with no emotional support ... I'll probably just curl up under a bridge somewhere and die.
I cried that night realizing he didn't understand my answer, something which doesn't happen very often when you're as detached as I am. And of course I'm going to cry again having to discuss it just now.
Sorry to end on such a down note, but that's what I'm dealing with. If I disappear from the forums in a couple of weeks, you know what happened. And yeah, I'm crying as much for him as for me. I do have a conscience, even in this state, and I know if he actually does follow through on his plan it'll just kill him.
I don't really talk about my life that much. Well, it's not much of a life anyway - I mean, a guy with a Ph.D. in math who delivers newspapers for a living. Or did anyway ...
I actually lost that job almost a year ago. I've still been helping some other people deliver papers from time to time, but - well, things have been real quiet of late.
I really loved that job, even though part of me knew all along that it wouldn't last. In my case you could take that literally ... I've used the term before but it doesn't come up very often, I'm what's called schizoid. People talk about "professional detachment", in my case I'm so detached that usually I don't even know how I feel. There are exceptions of course - and losing that job was one of them.
When I say "part of me knew ... it wouldn't last" you may be wondering why. No, not magic, also not part of me working to sabotage my chances (or at least, not that I know of) - in this case it was simple mathematics. It is a very demanding job, especially the schedule. I'd been let go once before for having a couple of accidents in company vehicles, fatigue and inattention will do that to you, so I knew that as long as my responsibilities remained the same it was bound to happen again. They accommodated me as best they could, but it was only a matter of time ...
But really I'm getting away from my story. Another part of my personality is that I really need to feel needed - and that's why I loved that job so much, they regularly told me how much they needed me. And when it finally happened they really went to bat for me - but the problem there is the insurance company, not my actual employer.
So anyway ... well, I just couldn't deal with it. I just shut down. The only thing that kept me going was my online friends and my responsibilities here, even though I never discussed it.
Believe me, it isn't easy being unemployed and depressed. It helped that I was living in my parents' basement, but I provided all my own food all that time - and helping people out on their paper routes doesn't pay much let me tell you. So what's changed? Well ... obviously Dad thinks of me as a freeloader, I was supposed to be paying rent and such, so now he's planning to kick me out.
Don't take this wrong, he really is a great guy and all. But we never really talk. Not that I'm very good at talking anyway, I can handle "small talk" in any crowd but when we're done you really won't know anything more about me as a person. But you know, taking to Dad is about like talking to a brick wall. And sometimes he says the stupidest things - things you know aren't true but he sounds like he believes them. And even if I were one to try to argue with him, it wouldn't do any good. Add to that the fact that when I was working we never saw each other just due to the scheduling.
Dad says that I really need to get a job, which is true of course but it's not that easy. I need to talk with someone, to get some understanding and emotional support so that I don't have to face everything by myself ... if things were different maybe he could have done that, but I wonder if it's a hopeless cause at this point.
The other day he asked me if I'd made any plans for what I was going to do. I'm sure he doesn't realize that I answered his question when I made a comment about needing to feel useful ... the fact of the matter is I can't plan. If he kicks me out, then I have no emotional support at all because I won't be able to keep in touch with you guys or my other online friends. For someone like me - unemployed, depressed, homeless and with no emotional support ... I'll probably just curl up under a bridge somewhere and die.
I cried that night realizing he didn't understand my answer, something which doesn't happen very often when you're as detached as I am. And of course I'm going to cry again having to discuss it just now.
Sorry to end on such a down note, but that's what I'm dealing with. If I disappear from the forums in a couple of weeks, you know what happened. And yeah, I'm crying as much for him as for me. I do have a conscience, even in this state, and I know if he actually does follow through on his plan it'll just kill him.
