The Misadventures of Shawnsey

So this tale goes a little something like this; The time of year was spring, I believe it to be late March. Sanford and Son starts playing in my head, upon reaching the monstrosity, that was the home of my next service call. Upon arrival several things jump to the foreground of my sight. The front yard is littered with those light up christmas decorations, reindeer and snowmen, as if it were the tank stops on the beaches of Normandy. This poor excuse of a light show was merely to distract the eye from the sixty foot pine tree that was uprooted and leaning on the peak of the home. This pine had become a prime piece of kindling, for it was completely bald and dried up, a pyre is what this house was waiting to become. After the shock of the battlefield that was the front yard, I approached the driveway, which led to the carport and front door.

Walking up the drive, i couldn’t help but notice the two minivans parked. These vehicles had seen better days, loaded with rust, completely flat tires and to top them off, their interiors were completely filled with newspapers. Not a soul was entering these vehicles. Upon reaching the carport, where the roof had collapsed and was now resting on a 1980’s Pontiac Firebird, a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre flashes in my brain. The porch is a conglomeration of old engine blocks, and refuse. To break the division between the front and back yard, was a great man made sheet metal barrier, like the one separating Kong from the villagers. Bursting out of the front door came a man dressed as if he was Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The wife beater on the hairy man was covered it what appeared to be spagettio’s. With a greeting of masticated canned Italian food, this cave man invites me into his cave.

The interior is no different than the outside. falling into a rabbit hole is the only way of describing how discordant the home was; dressers in the living room, kitchen appliances in the dinning room, a nutcracker army defends the perimeter from any would be souls who wish to take the still standing christmas tree. Further inspection of the domicile reveals a network of cables strung from the ceiling through a conduit of well placed coat hangers. A genius idea if I have ever seen one. The final hurrah to this discordant house is the backyard.After the Neanderthal corrals the sheet metal, king kong wall, we enter the labyrinth that is his backyard. Tires stacked like mighty oaks made navigation futile. The only recognizable landmark, was a legitimate tree, standing taller than its surroundings. Once reaching the only living entity besides myself and the caveman, the basis of this story title, was discovered.

The tree was growing from a twelve foot pit, which slowly rises up to a depth of four feet. This tree has been here for some time, having reached a substantial girth and height, enough to rise thirteen feet above the twelve foot crater it has made home. The perimeter of this crater is lined with stone pavers, which have begun to slip into this deep grave. The years have been unkind to this yard, for the crater has begun to consume the house. The deepest part, which holds the tree, has expanded its reach to show ten feet under the foundation of the home. This crater will eventually devour the whole of the domicile. The owner stated the obvious, that this use to be a swimming pool. At this moment i realized, that although my work order didn’t specify, I was now going to install cable in the house from “The Poltergeist”.