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Ponder Life

...because the owls haven't found the sandwiches yet...

Why bother tellign me when it jjust makes me feel like a shit? But then again, I'd much rather know everything, anyways, lol.

Thursday, 1. January 2009, 20:46:43


It’s the beginning of a new year.

I should be happy.

My dad says this should be the best year of my life.

I’m sorry so far it’s not

And it doesn’t seem like it will be anywhere in the near future.

Everyone wants to get the Hell out of here

Why don’t I care?

Is there something defective?

I don’t mind it

I like my family and my cousins and relatives and my friends.

They’re driving me up a wall

They all feel different

And I feel like I don’t even wanna bother anymore

They’re all gonna go away anyway.

They prolly won't come back,

As a matter of fact.

I’m sorry my mom gets wicked frustrated with me.

She can’t understand how I feel

Too bad

If I don’t get it, then why should she?

And I’m sorry I yelled just now when you offered me a striped sweater

I just need to get this all ot or I may scream. To be so stupid in front of you

Rei you suck.

You make me out to be such a moron in front of your audience.

The whole world’s an audience to you.

Too bad they don’t really care

Not many are interested.

They only laugh because they think you’re stupid. (But you’re worth the mention, lol.)

I’m sorry most of you won’t get that reference.

You need to know the song;

I’d explain it but it’d just flat out take too long.

Oh.

I’m sorry I ignored you.

Yeh.

You won’t know I’m talking to you, even if you read this.

But I don’t really care.

I wanted to say it anyway.

I feel bad but I need to-

I have no words.

Just sorry with my deepest.

Today pretty much sucks. A lot.

I’m sorry for my vacant stare

I’m sorry that you just don’t care

I prolly wouldn’t either, if it wasn’t that it’s my life

So I’ll just have to make due

And see it all through

To the end

Wherever the Hell that may be.

We prolly won't end up anywhere near each other, and you prolly won't care.

You’ll move on.

I guess I will, too

We’ll see.

I care about you

And it makes me sad when I can’t help

But there are things that I can’t do for someone else.

I can’t tell everyone how you feel.

Be strong and just let it rip.

Don’t be a dip. P:

I’m sorry this what all of you have to hear.

You prolly don’t really care.

I’m sorry to everyone else that I am who I am

But I can’t change that

Not for anyone.

Ever.

I may be stupid, but at least I tell it how it is.

I won’t let is pass

I won’t skim over it

I’ll give you the upshot and maybe sound like an ass

But I know you’ll take it

Because you’ll know that at least I’m being truthful.

The only thing I’ve really got going for me is my honesty.

At least I have that.

If not, then what difference would any of this make?

I promise I won't sing now.

I can’t find a song anyway.

There’s no Lydon song for how I feel.

No Dido song, either…

And I really thought she had the full spectrum covered.

No, I won’t sing that one, either. I already promised.

Maybe Human would be good.

Or some Coldplay song.

(Though all of their stuff sounds oddly alike.)

And don’t sing this to the tune of Space Oddity.

(Then I’d have to hang myself.)

Maybe I’ll figure it all out someday

Though I don’t want all of the answers, because then what’s the point of living?

If you read the last page first, why bother reading the book?

If you’re gonna use cheat codes, then why play the game?

It makes it too uninteresting.

Bahhhhring.

Fucking tedious. (P:)

…I do wish I could read a few chapters ahead, though.

Maybe then I’d know what to do with all of this mess.

It’s making me insane,

Whatever.

It’ll pass.

Like bad gas. :lol:

-------

Song(s) of the Day

Human

By: the Killers

Viva la Vida

By: Coldplay

-------

There's so much more I want to say, but I figure I'd better stop here before everyone disowns me, lol.

~Red

:watches as Niida chases the recycle truck:"Let me clear my throat..."

Comments

Santa Furie 1. January 2009, 22:30

You, my dear, are suffering from depression.

Red 2. January 2009, 00:57

Hmmmmeh. :frown:

I dunno. Mebbe.

Everyone keeps telling me it's stress because of everything this year.

I just really hadta get all that out........

Aadil 2. January 2009, 07:56

Mik may be right. You should consider seeing a doctor. awww.

Cois 2. January 2009, 08:23

The therapy is in the writing..

Santa Furie 2. January 2009, 12:30

Arrange a consult with a doctor who isn't one of your parents. Tell them how you feel like you've written it here. It's better to know than not to know, and someone talking to you face to face is going to catch things that we can't over a text only format. But from what I can see here, I'd say you're suffering from a medium level of depression.

Red 2. January 2009, 20:09


That's whjy I wrote, it, Clint. :smile:

Mik...

I actually talked ot my mom a bit.

She thinks it is becuase of me stressing over colleges and my friends. You know some of their problems. I am realizing that I cannot really help them; they are gonna hafta help themselves......

My mom said that yesterday I was acting depressed, but I still enjoy doing things, and look forward to them, which deprezssed people don't, she says.

So I dunno.

She says that mebbe I should dutance myself from my friends a little becuase their problems tend to drag me down.

I really don't know.........

I really just want to r4esolve everything before I go to college.....

Santa Furie 3. January 2009, 01:24

No offence but I think your mom needs a refresher on depression. Depression has many levels and degrees that can hit you. In extreme cases you can't look forward to anything. Most of the time it's a minor case where you just generally feel down, not right, like something intangible is getting you down. Anything between the two extremes counts as depression and we all suffer from it at some point in our lives, except me because I'm a deity.

The thing that concerns me is that you've already proven you don't like your mother to know everything in the instance when she found this page and hated me. :lol: Understandable really eh? Anyway, that proves you don't want her to know everything you're feeling and that you've probably left things out (whether you meant to or not) when talking to her. Hence my saying talk to someone other than your parents about your feelings.

As for distancing yourself from your friends, you'll have to decide that on a case by case basis. Some people are emotional vampires. They drag you down with them so you're as miserable as they are. Those are the people to steer clear of. Other friends can pull you up when you're down. Hold on to them cause they're few and far between. What you really need to work on is not getting so emotionally invested in your friends problems. Help out all you want to, but don't let it take over your life. End of the day, if you're miserable you can't help them out, ya know?

sudeep 3. January 2009, 07:41

oh!!!! well.........looks lke the same problem wid me

Aadil 3. January 2009, 08:51

Not much for me to add. Mik's right, only someone qualified and provide the correct diagnosis. :up:.

theoddbod 3. January 2009, 12:24

I think I went through something like this at uni - months of wondering what the point of everything was, months (years, really) of hiding from my family just how badly wrong things were going. I didn't really look forward to anything...just existed, really. A couple of friends told me I should see a psychiatrist about it (ones who'd had their own experiences before with friends going through the same thing). As for what your mum says, depressed people do still enjoy some things. I think she's got an image of depression manifesting itself as some kind of permanently-sulky grumpy expression. Me - I remember enjoying playing The Legend Of Zelda or spending time with some close friends. But Zelda finished (other GB games attempted to take its place), and the friends weren't always available (they were in relationships), so I still had too much time to dwell on stuff.

What helped me was a mixture of meeting a couple of new friends who clearly relished life (and some of that rubbed off on me), as well as some kind of personal epiphany which overnight changed me from a stress weasel to someone a lot more relaxed about things. But I consider myself lucky to have got through it - nearly didn't. A doc might have helped sooner - I was like this from maybe February 2006 to October 2007.

Focusing on other people's (or the world's) problems is sometimes just a way of avoiding dealing with your own.

Well, there's my little ramble added to the mix.

theoddbod 3. January 2009, 12:35

One additional thing : parents are often in denial if they don't know what to do. My parents focused on fixing my brother's speech impediment because they didn't know how to fix (or couldn't admit he had them) his other issues, and the moment his speech therapy ended they've quite definitely been denying there's anything else wrong, even when confronted. Of course, this started 25 years ago - mental ailments are a bit more socially 'acceptable' now. If it had been 300 years ago, I suspect most people would have believed my brother was possessed.

Santa Furie 3. January 2009, 16:11

People these days still believe that speaking in tongues means God has touched you. :rolleyes: Yes, parents that care about their kids don't want to believe that there's something wrong with them. They also don't want to think that maybe they've failed as a parent (which usually isn't true until they start the denial trip) so they'll dismiss depression as "You're just feeling glum." and treat symptoms of problems (like Mart's brother's speech disorder) rather than the underlying problem that caused the symptom itself.

All the world has to do is stop taking everything as a personal insult and we'll all be a lot happier.

Red 6. January 2009, 15:27

Sorry, Sudeep. :frown:





Mart, thanks for your story...

Everything just kidna sucks right now.

I think it'll get better, though.

Mebbe I am depressed...

but I think it'll pass...

Shitty feelings usually pass in a while.

Ima try to work it out myself for a bit.

Plus, I still have you guys, right? Lol...

SIRAN M. YATES 6. January 2009, 15:41

well my friendship comes at a price....hmmm, i'd say 300 dollars would suffice(even though that is at a reduced price) :lol:

Aadil 6. January 2009, 17:42

Just keep ya chin up. And if you start to feel like you can't cope, speak to someone about it. (a 'real' person, not just your online friends) :up:

Red 6. January 2009, 23:05

Lol.

Sorry, but that won't fit my budget, haha~!

I am, Aady~! I promise. :yes: And I will if I do.

But I thinkl I'll live. ^^//

SIRAN M. YATES 7. January 2009, 00:16

ok, just this once i'll lower my rate to 200 dollars-just cuz were such good friends, anymore and it'll be like ur taking advantage

Henry 19. January 2009, 12:02

Play ya drums Red :smile:

Red 19. January 2009, 15:38

Lol.

Still more than I got. P:

And, I ammm!!! XD

Henry 28. January 2009, 12:55

...Hiya Red...I reckon i should send ya some video, playing some rifs for ya...re: your pm...:sherlock: This may sound a bit sick to your ears, as i know how much you love PIL ....but watch as much drum footage of as many drummers as poss'. ansoo, Ombolan has some excellent drum solo footage...mmm you and your phone, how are we going to do this. If i send ya a vid' are you able to upload it to view it at all..:?

Red 28. January 2009, 16:49

Yeeeah!!

On my laptop. :lol:

I only had my fone-only during New Year's becasue I was chilling in Port Town (Wheer they live like it's the Stone Age...P:)

I do watch other stuff.

All the music I like I eventually try adn get a video of. :devil:~!

I loooove new music!!!

Henry 29. January 2009, 06:08

oh.. i'm exhausted Red, off to have a nourishing meal. Had to stop in. I'll get ya some footage from me. I have a digi camera with the usual video feature. Rather borrow my mates vid camera. Good onya Red! Kinda excited for ya. Talk soon... Go for it! :D

Red 4. February 2009, 15:26

Thanks.

I;'d loove to see you play!!! ++:D+++

Ttyl, then~!

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