Wednesday, November 3, 2010 6:47:11 PM
A couple of people tell me how strong I am with everything I'm dealing with and up until yesterday I would have sort of agreed. Though I don't call it strong as much as just getting through things to the best of my ability. Now, though, I'm feeling incredibly weak. But I don't honestly care what anyone else thinks anymore. I'm not happy and I shouldn't need to pretend to be happy. Sorry if that's at all rude, but it's the truth.
Radiation sucks. Not sleeping well sucks. My life is really one huge bowl of suckiness. The only thing that still goes well is my writing but honestly, I'm too tired and too drained to do any today, I'm afraid. I have all these ideas I want to get out on paper but just don't feel up to typing them up. Might have Dustin do that for me so I can keep up with the daily word count for NaNoWriMo. I'm up to just under 5000 words in just three days.
I feel so weak and out of it and nauseous, and I wish that all of this had never happened to me. I literally cried myself to sleep last night but only slept for 2 hours before I was wide awake and just gave up. I've been crying off and on for no real reason since last night and...okay guess that's enough depressing stuff. I mean I know things could be worse but just wish they'd get better. I'm honestly broken out all over my body. The only clear spots are my face, my feet and my hands. Everything else is broken out or splotchy and got worse last night. Thank Goddess for cooler weather where wearing hoodies is acceptable! Wondering if whatever's used in radiation therapy is something I'm allergic to or if extreme itching is a side-effect. Didn't think I'd have them after just one treatment.
Anyway that's really about it for now. My data analysis boss sent me home from work for the day though I'm not really sure why. Maybe because of how horrible I look? I know I look tired but there's not much I can do about that. Hopefully I'll get more sleep tonight but I guess we'll see. Bought this herbal thing that has Melatonin, Lavender, Lemon balm(?) and something else in it that I've taken before that has worked, so here's hoping! Hope everyone has a great day.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010 11:34:28 PM
Used the whisper function of this site for the first time. Loving that part! Sorry. Just don't want just anyone knowing about what I'm going through with the cancer stuff.
It's been a while since I did a blog about myself and I figured it was time for one. If you've read my tweets or my tumblr blog you'll no doubt have noticed that I'm not exactly in the best of moods lately but that I'm doing okay overall. I just have all these jumbled thoughts in my head about the cancer and what's going to happen now, whether that specialist has been fired (have filed reports with Better Business Bureau and Nebraska's State Medical Board), and money troubles...and they all just bring me down. And those, coupled with my natural inability to be patient and understanding all just sort of causes me to blow up at the slightest thing. I haven't been online as much lately, because of all these not so great thoughts and happenings.
My writing continues to go well despite everything else going on and I feel that I'm maybe another three or four chapters away from finishing Some Like it Rough. But I'm not sure right now, though. I had the ending planned out for the most part but what I'm writing now doesn't lead up to it. It totally changes that...so I dunno. Rewrite or change? Really wanted the ending to be a bit of a shocker but then again I like what I have. I really like what I have. Guess I'll just have to wait and see where what happens next takes me! Still bummed I couldn't make Whipped Honey work but I figure I'll save that idea for some future story when I can come up with a better plan for involving a character's alter-ego. With this story that was just an extra distraction that was fun but not important to the story.
Guess that's really about it! Dustin's been out of town (work related) since Sunday and will be back sometime Thursday evening. I've enjoyed having the apartment to myself but at the same time miss having him to come home to and just relax with. I have enjoyed having his bed to myself, however. His mattress is so much more comfy than mine! And his room has a window which makes it easier for me to take up in the morning. Well, enjoy the rest of your Tuesday everyone! I'm off to do some writing before tonight's episode of Glee.
Thursday, September 30, 2010 12:09:48 AM
For a while on thoughts.com I did some blogs that were classified as "If You Really Knew Me". The idea comes from an awesome (if quite possibly heavily scripted/planned) MTV show that is on Tuesday nights at 10pm Central time.
I'm thinking about getting back into them. And I know I originally said that I wasn't going to blog here as much but honestly, after giving it some thought, I feel the most "loved" here. I have a few new cancer survivor followers on tumblr and will still blog there and I do like thoughts...but I like here just a little more than thoughts. Still prefer tumblr the most, though.
So anyway what I'm asking is if anyone would be interested in learning more about me? The real me, I mean. Sides of me that very, very few people know about. Sides of me that show my flaws--flaws I've learned to accept and tolerate. Just reply and let me know if you're interested and I'll do the first one soon!
No real updates on me to give, by the way. I'm hanging in there but still going through a lot and despite the fact that I'm okay on the outside on the inside I'm a total mess. The only thing keeping me going is that the surgery has been scheduled and a great gut feeling that it's going to take away the cancer. I also have a really good feeling I'm going to need radiation despite being told I likely wouldn't...but maybe that feeling will be wrong? It's usually not, though.
Looking back I even had a feeling about something that happened over two years ago. I didn't think it would happen the way it did but I knew something big was going to happen to cause me to take a big look at the person I had become and the person I wanted to be. That was one gut feeling that I'm really glad I listened to, as even now I despise the way I was back then. But hey, live and learn and hindsight is 20/20, right?
But I'm getting sidetracked. Hope everyone else is doing well!