Saturday, 1. March 2008, 02:20:48
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Anyway, it only took me
4 DECADES, but I think I have finally been able to trace the evolution of my homosexuality back to one specific item and event. The dangerous item in the picture is involved! Here's the verbose, rambling, tongue-in-cheek story:
At the time when I was a child, kindergarten was optional. The law at that time said when you turned 6, you started 1st grade, but many parents would send their 5 year olds to kindergarten to get a head start. My parents, trying to be good parents, sent me to a kindergarten that had a good reputation at a nearby Methodist church. 4 decades later, I can still remember a lot about it. I thought it was a good place. We all learned to read really well, which put us way ahead of the 1st graders who didn't attend kindergarten. The teachers were kind, didn't sexually molest us too often, and didn't threaten to kill Santa Claus to shut us up when they did do a little groping "down there."
You know I'm kidding, right?We worked a lot with crayons, construction paper, glue, those blunt-nose scissors, AND, we not only learned how to tie our shoes, we learned how to tie them using difficult fancy knots while saying rhymes! As you can see, this was nearly a kinder xanadu. Then one day, the event that would seal my fate happened.
There has been a lot of research on the causes of homosexuality. There are many theories, copious speculation, and sometimes flat out lying involved as well. 40+ years later, and I'm finally sure of what caused it for me. I'm absolutely sure of it! It was the dreaded
MAGIC BABY BOTTLE!The magic baby bottle is a technological marvel. It looks to be full of milk, however when you turn it upside down, the milk drains away into somewhere, and the bottle looks empty. Turn it back the other way, and the milk reappears as if by magic. These things have been around for probably half a century all over the world. Surely you've seen one.
One day I saw one of these things for the first time at the Methodist xanadu kindergarten. Being a life-long technogeek, I was in awe and had to throughly investigate. I turned it over and over, amazed, and analyzed what could possibly be going on. I went to get one of my friends so that maybe 2 powerful brains could crack this riddle.
THEN I CROSSED THE FATEFUL LINE. I put the little magic bottle in a babydoll's mouth to see if that had any effect on the bottle.
This was purely a scientific investigation. My friend had already found a second magic bottle and was trying the same. Hell, while we were at it, I decided to pretty-up the scene a little by pulling a dollhouse over and arranging a little family with some other dolls plus our two experimental ones.
AT THAT MOMENT a teacher walked by, froze, and nearly shrieked! She yanked us up, publicly shamed us, and said something about BOYS could play with footballs but only GIRLS played with dolls. Then to fucking top it off, she told our parents about it later that day. (My parents didn't give a shit, BTW)
It wasn't like I was sitting there in drag getting ready to do a
Carmen Miranda number,
I was doing a freaking scientific investigation! I just decided to make it realistic and aesthetically pleasing.
That did it for me. The shock was so great that it scarred me for life and made me gay. To this day football makes me uncomfortable.
This has to be the precise reason for my homosexuality and the reason I didn't get a big job with NASA. It wasn't environmental, wasn't genetic, it was the
MAGIC BABY BOTTLE that made me gay. I wonder what my brother's reason was. Oh the humanity!
Maybe I need the charming comfort of a 
(14%)
WIDGETIZE