el rinconcito

After almost being late for work today because of yet another lobotomized driver, it's time for a good old-fashioned whine. Warning: this post contains profanity and a bad attitude. Please don't take it too seriously. Hehehehe!

Some truisms about driving:

• YOU are the only one out there who really knows how to drive.
  
• NOBODY drives as well as you do.
  
• OTHERS, who are not of your gender, nationality, or general personal appearance, cannot possibly be as competent as you are behind the wheel. About the only exception would be being German. Their reputation for designing and operating complex things is quite good. OK, for the sake of the My Opera team, Norway can be included in this on a provisional basis, but you are being watched.
  

Whew! Now that those self-evident truths are out of the way, I can get on with things.

Here in the southern US, we have a bad reputation as being "Southern Drivers"®. People from other places assume we all drive like we really have nowhere to go and are overly slow and timid on the road. The term "Sunday driver" comes to mind. There is some truth to this, as many stereotypes do contain a germ of reality, but it doesn't apply to this boy, BUCK-O! My father taught me to drive before I could even see over the wheel, and my official driving instructor in high school was a somewhat psycho ex-Marine. All this made for some very solid driving skills!

I've driven in many regions of the USA and in several foreign countries. I have handled Mexico City and Los Angeles, no problem. I can drive a tiny English two-seater up to a ten-ton truck. I can tow a trailer. F**k motorcycles.

Now, we must move on to the issue at hand which is making an unprotected left turn with oncoming traffic. This lesson assumes you are in a place where you "drive right". It is correct that in England, and some other places, they drive on the *wrong* side of the road. Every day I see more and more "people" messing this left turn up. The fatal error is sitting behind the line and not pulling out into the intersection. The light turns green, the dumbass sits there. The light turns red, and the wimp is still sitting there. Nobody made a left turn. Not one.

When the light turns green, not the green arrow, but just plain old green, you pull your jalopy OUT INTO THE INTERSECTION. You don't go to the center of the intersection, that would cause trouble for a left turner on the other side, but you get your ass out there! MOVE IT!

NOW, it will help to refer to the diagram below. You are in a car where there is the red "X". You see that thick white line just above the red "X"? That's called the "stop bar". Say it along with me: "STOP BAR". As long as you have your vehicle beyond that line before the light turns red, you HAVE NOT run a red light, even if the light turns red-as-hell while the oncoming traffic clears for your turn. Sometimes two cars can get beyond that line while waiting for a break in the oncoming traffic. AT LEAST ONE CAR gets to turn left every time the light cycles, preferably two can go, sometimes TEN, hehe. Sitting behind the stop bar while waiting to turn means you are not ready when there is a break in the traffic and nobody gets to go. Using that method, with enough oncoming traffic, you could conceivably sit there for the rest of your life.

Anyway, getting back to driving to work this morning, I was behind a Toyota Camry (more on those later) that sat through two cycles of a red light without turning left. I could see the dumbass twitching behind the wheel probably fretting that he might never make this light, and the way he was driving, he might not ever. After he sat through one cycle, I gave the polite "short double toot". After the second cycle, I gave the more ominous "single long blast". At the third cycle, I just held the button down. The horn in my work truck is very loud. Both he and the wretched-looking passenger were spinning their heads around like beachballs atop a finger rather than trying to once again make the turn. Due to being in a company labeled vehicle, I stopped just short of yelling out the window or giving "the finger".

There! I feel better after my whine. Now we all know how to do this, right? Wait, no, only I really do. (See the truisms above).

Coming up soon: how to quickly assess another driver with 100% accuracy using only their appearance and that of their car. Also coming up: how not to screw up the interstate highway on-ramp. Hint: floor it baby!

Alternative post title - HERDING CATS.

Being the holiday season, there are many shows to see and events to attend. Sometimes you may be tasked with transporting a group of seniors, like a mother and her friends, to a show. Here are some pitfalls and pointers. This is meant to be humorous and embellished, but there's always a germ of truth in there somewhere.

Here goes:

Lie about the show time. Unfortunately they may already know about the starting time, or you've pulled this one before and they are onto it.

Estimating the "rounding up" and transportation time: Let's say the show starts at 7 PM and you generously estimate a 45 minute drive time to get there. Go ahead and add at least 50% to that, then arrive a half an hour even before that, so at this point it wouldn't hurt to hit their door by 5 PM. It doesn't matter anyway. At least one of them will still be in a bathrobe.

Upon arrival: Do the usual greetings and *BRIEF* chit-chat, then cut it off and get "on task". Head immediately to the television and shut it off. See if you can discreetly find all the telephones in the house (there may be hidden extensions). Unplug them, or turn off the ringers if there is a switch. More on this later.

Majorly important: DO NOT sit down, and politely decline all offers of a snack, coffee, etc. That sofa is a spider's web waiting to trap you. If you fall for it, then you'll be surrounded, a coffee or pastry will appear out of nowhere, and you might as well flush those tickets you paid for down the toilet. So, DO NOT SIT DOWN! You have work to do.

The next half hour: Stay focused. Redirect all conversation attempts back to "we need to get going". Mention "anybody need to go to the bathroom?", but this will have little effect really. Help gather coats and those 20-pound purses that cause about half their back problems. Begin the herding.

Let's march! You'll walk a fine line here as you try to shoo everyone towards the door. You want to use firm language without letting any profanity out. It's OK to let profanity ring loudly inside your head. Once you get everyone near the door, it gets tricky. Any of those cats can shoot off on a side trip into another room before you even realize it. Trying to get that one back will result in you losing the rest of the platoon you had assembled.

The moment of truth: passing through the door, AKA, the gates of hell, or the "running the gauntlet": This is important. Social custom dictates that you go first and open that door, however, you must ignore this and be THE LAST ONE going out, keeping that herd of cats in front of you at all times. *IF* you go first, you'll walk out to that car, stick the key in the lock, then you'll look back, and *not one of them* will be behind you. You go back inside, then realize you're doomed. The television might be on, someone's pawing through a magazine, you smell coffee (coffee!?!), and another one is on that phone, which rang because you forgot or were unable to complete your sabotage on it earlier.

Going mobile: The car is so cramped from all those bodies and 20-pound purses, but you're moving! You might wonder if you should have rented a van, or small bus, but you're on the road, though there is still some danger. Bathroom! You're defeated. You have to stop. You may be tempted with a small detour like, "let me just dart into this pharmacy and get my prescription". Firm and polite, remind them that the pharmacy *is* open on Sunday and they can go then. Then the trump card may be played: "it's heart medicine". Try to call the bluff: "don't you have just one more in your purse?", or weigh the odds of a slightly elevated risk of a coronary "event" later on that evening. If it happens after the show, at least they had kind of a nice time!

At the theatre: since it's now about 15 minutes into show time already, see if they offer late seating, like at the end of act 1 or during a musical interlude. Whew! You're done! Congratulations.

Note: this was written to be humorous and for my entertainment, but "The Truth is Out There!"

Although I sometimes enjoy the traveling for my job, the bad thing is having to eat a lot of food while on the road. I woke up this morning with a metallic taste in my mouth and a major intestinal "disturbance". I went on into work because it was a short shift and I didn't want to blow my quarterly perfect attendance bonus. There's nothing like pulling up to the job site and telling the contact, "my ass is on a rampage and I need to destroy your bathroom...it's going to be like thermonuclear war in there!" It makes a great impression for the customer! It also makes a nice blog post! Thanks for sharing, right? lol. Sorry.