slavedriver

post desaru... trying to balance nasal inflammation and the desire to train and race...

Tuesday, 18. August 2009, 08:15:57

it has been a few weeks since i did the desaru sprint
and 2 days since army half marathon

training for desaru was a battle of my health and my desires; how to strike the balance.
i had this nasal inflammation that has been bugging me for the last 2 months. there were really bad days and some better days.
i always feel this need to train but when i am down with bad inflammation at my sinus area, i sometime pushed through it.
there are days that i just gave up and rested.

but i never fully rested or entertain the thought i would not race the long course desaru triathlon race.

i can't ...
i wrote the training program...
motivated a bunch of people to train for it

and my ego simply refused to acknowledge the possibilities...
but maybe
just maybe i am also trying too hard to prove that turning forty is just ... a context to frame my life now.
nothing that will impact my physical health.

i am still the same physical person.

of course i am wrong.
i don't recover as fast as before, i needed more sleep than ever.
i have injuries in places that i never knew existed

i forget stuff

and i can't recover from this nasal inflammation!
better but not 100%

after the not too positive 1st triathlon race of 2009 in PD
i gave in to reality, i decided to not do the 1/2 ironman distance (2k/90/21k)
but the sprint (400m/18km/2km)

i must say..
it was fun!
there was little stress and loads of energy to cheer others and enjoy racing again!
battle of the ego took a turn too
beaten by a 12 year old and 50 year old at the line.
came in 4th for veterans... to who ever still did the race the day before and wanted to win more than 1 medal..

only have pictures, memories to show for the race...
but great memories

reconnecting with old friends, ex students enjoying malaysian hospitality.

the battle still rage on for my nose.
2 bouts of chinese bitter of 14 doses each only cleared the mucus from dark yellow to clear but it is still blocked.. from 3 packets of tissue day to maybe 1 or less now.

what else can i do?
rest more..
i did..
take vitamins?
i taking multi vit, omega 3 and probiotics
sleep more?
about 6-8 hours a day
keep out of public places...
humm.. maybe don't work??

times like this..
i feel like it is exercising faith in God
there must be hope that i will be better
and i can be
patience and allow God to speak to me at this time...

hope by the next post, i am cleared from it.. after 3 months!

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lesson learnt from my first OD tri 2009 (PD tri)

Friday, 17. July 2009, 02:59:39

this must be my 80th race or so in my 20 years of racing.
you are never too old to make a silly newbie mistakes nor too conceited to think that it would never be you...

rule no. 1
never race when you are unwell.
the one race could ruin your whole season or worse, hurt your body permanently or even worse die from cardic arrest with virus attacking your heart.

rule no. 2
never race with new gear that you have not train with
your fancy gear looked and feel great but it may not work so great on race day because you are not used to it! your can't take off your wet suit and tear it... you can't change gear smoothly and waste valuable minutes that you gained from the faster wheelsets...

rule no. 3
have a race plan and stick to it! you can't perform extraordinarily better than in your training. you can be better but that that much better...

rule no. 4
be prepared. if it is spare tires, goggles, food, medicine...

i made all the above mistakes..
and on my 20th year of racing...
sigh..

never too old to make mistakes...
or learn from them!!!

i have not been well for a few months, after 3 bouts of anti-botics and lots of lost days of training and work, i should not be pushing my body too hard.
i have this irritating sinus inflammation that does not clear completely even with nasal irrigation ( you can see videos of it on youtube; flushing of sinus area with salt solution... putting water into your nose...) and loads of medicine.

but i have signed up and paid for PD race.
so i went. with all the good intention of turning this race to a fat burning session...
of course with that attitude, i was completely ill prepared for the race...

there goes rule no. 1 of racing when unwell.

i bought a pair of 2nd hand racing wheels last year. then i took many months to get the carbon brake pads and tires before i was ready to use them.
and i was not motivated to get it all together on my softride (the other bicycle that i had since 2005). this race was perfect to get me to set them up. the plan was for me to get all my stuff ready and go for a ride early friday morning before work.
naturally it never happened.
i was trying to get the my bike cyclometer to work with my new old wheels and had to modified the magnet for it. hacked a fridge magnet.. hope friend would forgive me for turning her 'jesus loves all' to a black blot on my wheels..
the skewers for the wheels were salvaged from my old training wheels.. i am sure those triathletes out there would be totally disgusted that i put $20 skewers on these beautiful work of art ( my aero wheels...) guess what.. they were bent and i had to jammed them in...

no. 2... out of the window

i looked really bad when i went to collect my race pack.. was bad even at dinner. everyone reminded me not to push hard.
i agreed...
went back to rest early and even managed to get some pharma quality salt to irrigate my sinus (another thing that i forgot to bring)
but..

i was ok at the swim, stroking within my capacity and with my friends who were not pushing too hard.
exited the swim was still keeping my heart rate below 150 or so.
got on the bike and spinning at moderately pace.
here comes my friends.. and i drafted them.
i was feeling great! i could keep up and even pushed them a little..

then tried to overtake on the downhill ( i am heavier then most of these fit and stick like girls..) and heard the sound i dreaded most...
i had my first flat in races ever!
i was not prepared. no spares and i am riding on singles or tubeless so no help rendered.
15km out there! so frustrating!
well... God whisper to me not to pushed hard..
deaf to that so..
He slapped me with a flat to slow me down..

sigh.

thank God that i was picked up and managed to do the 10km run with friends.
since i paid and would be pigging out, would be good to burn some calories in preparation for the A&W fried chicken and waffles.

it was still a great race and with lots of lessons that i need to relearn.

better race next round...

and for all my ex students and clients.. and friends who i have been nagging..
STOP LAUGHING!

ok.. i am egoistic and need a whack on the head like all of you at times.
that is why i need a coach too..

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Thailand reflection… food, shopping and faith

Friday, 3. July 2009, 10:58:58

Had a short break in Bangkok, my consolation trip for the canned Barcelona trip. That is the trip that I could see U2 live and be with my fave band in the start of their European tour Live 360.
Visit Gaudi’s fantasy building, Picasso Museum, Miro public art, tapas, sangria…

Well…

Over…

And now BKK!

It was 3 full days of shopping, snacking in between and a little sightseeing.

Yes… sightseeing.
It is unknown to most Singaporeans who visit BKK for shopping, massage and authentic Thai food.

Shopping was the usual suspects, starting from the cheapest to the more up marketed.
Chatuchak weekend market, Pratunam wholesale mall and market, MBK, Central and finally Siam Paragon.
Even did some last minute shopping in DFS in airport!

The spoils; tee-shirts, surf shorts, wall clock, accessories, causal bag (I do owe bags that do not come with life time warranty), snacks (eaten them up by now), sauces, flavored rice grains and compression sports apparel.

My regret about my culinary experience in BKK was the lack of it!
Could have eaten more grilled meat in the street stalls, drank more Thai iced tea and juice. I missed eating the Thai Chinese cuisine in Chinatown, pub experience in Khao San Road and the drinking and clubbing the Thai way.

What I did that was different was the visit to Grand Palace.
It was named as the no.1 must do in all the guidebooks and websites that I came across and of course my non-Singaporean friends would just be so shocked that I did not. Since this is likely to be my 8th visit to Thailand, I did manage to make my way there.

It cost 350B (S$12) for non-Thai to enter the Grand Palace so it is not a cheap experience compared to other Thai experience like the 30B bowl of noodles or 150B tee shirt…

Grand Palace was built in 1782, and it is huge! There are temples, Buddhist library, museums and government buildings for official business.
The architecture was impressive no less. But what was interesting to me were; the materials like the 50% gold mosaic tiles were imported from Italy, pictures and sculptures from China, the Buddhist temple carvings and fixtures were heavily influence by the Hinduism and animism.
Very international feel for something so traditional!
Buddhism is the national religion of Thailand and most Thais you meet would tell you that they are Buddhists.

But what form of Buddhism do they practice?
Buddhism is a way of looking at life (you can just google to find out more) that pride herself to have no gods, no rituals and no need for priest as intermediary.
Buddha is an enlightened being who decided not to go to Nirvana but help others to come to that understanding of the Buddhist way to true and salvation.

In BKK, spirit houses abound, everyone has at least 1 amulet and more for different purposes in cars, houses.
The statues in the temple are made in the image of the mystical creatures of Hinduism and other beliefs. They acted as guardians to the temples and important buildings.
Offerings and sacrifices were placed before the pictures of former Thai King and even the present King.

What does it mean for any Thai to come to understand the Christian faith?
There need to be more than a change in worldview but also cultural understanding of the difference in how Christianity is practiced and perceived.

Going to church and worship is not reserved for the religious elites like monks, and not for special days only. The faith of the pastors, priests are not different from the lay people before the eyes of God. There are no special clergies who can intercede on your behalf to gods.

The protestant faith asks you to believe that Jesus died for you as an individual and with that belief you will receive eternal life with God.
You are to believe first, and your life will change because of your belief and not your action that will bring you eternal life. You can’t work for salvation but your work is a reflection of the change that God has infected you with.

(My short statement of faith is just my own interpretation; please check with your church and leaders for a more in-depth and theologically correct version)

Thus you do not need icons or saints that possessed supernatural power or intermediaries to come before God to have that relationship with the Almighty.
Weekly worship is a way of maintaining and deepening your relationship with other people of the same faith and with God. It is the faith of the individual and corporate.

What is your understanding of your worldview? Have you ever asked that in detail?

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boardgames not bore games

Saturday, 20. June 2009, 16:08:54

i was introduced to boardgames when i was a kid.
my first encounter was in the form of monopoly and scrabble.

but over the years, it became boring to just try to get more money from luck.
and the time needed to play it was just too too long..

last few years i was re-introduced to boardgames.
this time by my pastor friends who played the range of more adult and interactive boardgames of settlers of catan, modern art, ticket to ride...

did not get to play that much but it reminded me how fun it was just to play games together.
banter and outsmarting each other in a non digital medium is another type of fun.
not that i will abandon my wii...

tonight, i went to Mind's cafe with some of my former TP team.
we had great fun playing 'i'm the boss' and some shooting the duck game.
it was change from being competitive in the sporting arena to games table.

the bargaining, negotiation, forming alliance... was great fun.
a different type of fun.
after 2 hours of food (free flow sugared drinks), fat laden food and munchies and even dessert, i called it a night.
but the laughter and the bantering that come out of the game was well worth our money.

maybe next time we will have board games instead of wii ....

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elton john, the 60 year old rocker...

Saturday, 20. June 2009, 02:47:57

i am not into retro, just that it makes me feel old.
rocking to the oldies is really not my thing but today watching elton john's 60th birthday bash concert in Madison Garden in NY 2007, it reminded me why he is still a favorite among my linkin park, muse, depeche mode, DJ Giles peterson...

he is the piano man; banging out beautiful music and meaningful lyrics with the backing of full orchestral and choir. good music needs effort, planning and talent.
it was exciting and exhilarating to hear his songs and people who were not born when he was famous (20s) rocking to his music

the most emotional song for me was Empty Garden
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin

What happened here
As the New York sunset disappeared
I found an empty garden among the flagstones there
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tares and grew a good crop
And now it all looks strange
It's funny how one insect can damage so much grain

And what's it for
This little empty garden by the brownstone door
And in the cracks along the sidewalk nothing grows no more
Who lived here
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tares and grew a good crop
And we are so amazed we're crippled and we're dazed
A gardener like that one no one can replace

And I've been knocking but no one answers
And I've been knocking most all the day
Oh and I've been calling oh hey hey Johnny
Can't you come out to play

And through their tears
Some say he farmed his best in younger years
But he'd have said that roots grow stronger if only he could hear
Who lived there
He must have been a gardener that cared a lot
Who weeded out the tares and grew a good crop
Now we pray for rain, and with every drop that falls
We hear, we hear your name

Johnny can't you come out to play in your empty garden

it was a song he wrote with John Lennon (the song writing duo of bealtes and shot dead 1982 by a fan)
he seldom performed it as it brings back too much emotion but he performed a few times; on 9/11 and his birthday bash (maybe other occasions).
i was sobbing without knowing why, but i think the music and image of NY 9/11... the desolation depicted on the video wall.

the aborted bike ride due to running nose and inflamed nasal passage, turned out to be another experience for me...

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Visit to the museums ; Kangxi Emperor: Treasures from the Forbidden City exhibition ACM

Monday, 1. June 2009, 02:44:16

museum

I have always preferred to visit the museums than the cinema for reasons that the shows are not always the same and I cannot catch them again back home on DVD!

It is the experience of discovery that intrigued me.

The Kangxi Emperor: Treasures from the Forbidden City exhibition ACM (Asian civilization museum)
You may have heard about the exploits of one of the greatest Emperor of China, Kangxi Emperor; his life stories, his works and his family life but unaware that that it refers to the same person.
He is not Han Chinese but realized that for the minority Manchu to rule the vast Chinese land, he needed more than power, he needed the people to be contented and happy with non- Chinese rule. For that to happen, people must not feel that they are being looked down, their culture identity suppressed and welfare looked after.

This Manchu emperor learnt the Han Chinese ways, maybe embracing and taking them as his own is a better way of looking at it. He took on its Confucius values for running of the country, was a scholar and patron of the arts, military strategist, skilled soldier, astute politician and man of character. Truly the renaissance man of the east.

He instituted many reforms and advocated many values of good governance like inspection of the land, promotion of efficient farming practices, anti corruption. Truly during his reign, his son Yong Zeng and Qianlong was the most prosperous period of ancient China.

Despite of all that he and his children had done; creating structures, stabilizing turbulent foreign relations, preserving and encouraging culture, he cannot stop the country from declining, officials from being corrupted and eventual downfall of the Qing dynasty.

Lesson for all of us, we can leave a legacy and it is great but from the viewpoint of eternity, nothing is forever.
Then what really matters?

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what do you really do?

Wednesday, 29. April 2009, 05:02:51

this is the question that many asked me.
and it is a question that i find hard to answer especially to my friends who yet know my God.

my official designation is sports ministry training team under Truth Ministries training team that is part of the board of youth ministry under TRAC (trinity annual conference) the conference of all the english speaking methodist churches in singapore.

what do i actually do?
everyday when i go to office, what do i do, what occupies my time?
when i am out running program, what I actually do.

in short (at least for me...) ;
sports ministry is a means of teaching values and building up character through sports. it is also a means for us to teach others about the christian faith and help those of the faith through sports.

so what does it actually mean in terms of work?

actually this is what i have been trying to define.
and it has been real hard! the meshing of work and passion, the entanglement of friendship and ministry; what am i doing that is work or just my emotional respond to this 'friend'?
the constant struggle is whether I am being honest with what i am doing is work or passion.

i preached not just on sports and christian faith, but also on good values that all should have and how one can do it with sports.
i teach biblical values and truths with sporting illustrations to promote and encourage one to live a life that is righteous and God centered.
i coach athletes to be the best that they can be, and to have goals and reach these goals that they never even dream of.
and in the process show them how a christian athlete can live and how one be more christ like even in the world of sports whether you are a professional or novice.

how i do it...
i coach athletes in the sports of triathlon, they learnt and grow as an athlete but more than that, they mature as men and women who have christian values and compete with those values whether they are a believer or not.
i am the strength and conditioning coach for a sport team in a sport that I have little knowledge of. it is an entry point for chaplaincy/pastoral care with the athletes.
i preached to churches but how sports is worship unto God, and athletes too can present their sporting life as living sacrifice to God.
i help christians who are athletes in their journey of faith, to center their life to God.

undergirding these plans is the vision of the christian coaches in this world will see themselves more than just helping their athletes to be a better but also sharing of their lives that will help others to know God and live for God.

at least at this moment.. these are my understanding of my job and calling...

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It was a great run for 10 years, time to move on!

Tuesday, 24. March 2009, 03:24:06

My coaching with Temasek Poly started with a phone call from a friend who was then the student development officer. Hai Yen asked me whether I would like to try coaching the triathlon/biathlon team in TP.
I was thrilled with the idea but at the same time worried that I can’t do the job since I have no coaching experience even though I have been a youth pastor / youth worker for 8 years, national triathlete for 5 years and keenly interested in teaching values using sports.

I have not looked back since the first coaching session!
I had a ball working with entry-level athletes, mildly interested wannabe athletes, national caliber athletes, or simply students who want to try out new things that they never dream they could do.

With this coaching opportunity, I also went to coach a primary school and some adult clients in triathlon.
It was the beginning of a new chapter of my life in coaching.
I see my calling in pastoral and ministry work but my passion in coaching. It was more than coaching, it has become my new mission field where I ‘preach’ and ‘teach’ my ‘congregation’ not with words but with my life and action. Where I ‘preach’ the values of sports and healthy lifestyle, grew ‘leaders’, challenge dreamers to act on their dreams….
I would like to think that I impact lives.
Anyone can be better athlete with training, but not to be experience a change in his or her life and values.

I must thank all my students, athletes (my first batch who took the chance on me) and former SDOs and other staff of TP (hai yen, uncle Sam….), who became my friends and fellow journeymen for the trip.

I must thank my students who gave me joy and gratification when they tried and succeed; many came who can’t swim 50m, and not run more than 2.4km in their life but on their last year, they not just race but have a shot at podium.
Many who looked like coach potato or have body shape for more sedate stuff, running marathons and doing all the things that they never dreamt of.
And many more who made sports part of their life long after graduation.

I must thank my students who made me their friends, invited me to be part of their lives… at their graduations, birthdays, weddings…
Making me their mentors and confidents along the way.
Allowing me to give more than sporting advise.
All these fulfill my dream and calling in life.

I would like to thank all of you

Who became part of my life…
Coming to my parties and programs
Celebrating my birthdays, races and graduations.
Giving me memories that lasted longer than the pay cheque

All these were possible because I started coaching in TP 10 years ago.

(there were just too many people to thank and remember... i hope you know who you are...)

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40 the new 30...

Tuesday, 3. March 2009, 03:13:21

thoughts

thank all my students, friends and family for their well wishes!

but really don't understand...
40 the new 30...

if i never really understand how is it like being 30, what does this new 30 feels like?
i don't even know how 30 feels like when i am 30.

some things about being 40
1. new age group to compete in!
2. can honestly tell my students i am twice their age
3. should be walking out of promise land
4. can use age as excuse to slack...
5. more friends than before!
6. desire for better things in life... food, company, experience...(others that i will discover along the way)
7. scooter
8. my own place!
9. honestly i should be address as auntie by the younger ones when my students come with their children to visit me...

somethings that seems to be the same as when i am 30
1. wareobe seems to be the same with beach wear, tri gear, pants and blouses of black, white, kaki and loads of tee shirt. occasional dresses hidden somewhere.
2. still have 3 bikes (road, time trial and mountain bike)
3. friends!
4. desire for fun, new experience
5. still trying to train hard but never really make it

somethings i want to thank God for
1. family ... mom unwell but all in all, seems well
2. my faith... still a follower of Jesus. amazing how many times i ran away from God, He hold me back to Himself
3. my health.. can still do most things and other things that people my age stopped trying to do...
4. friends... good and wonderful friends who support and hang with me all these years
5. experiences of traveling, trying new things, desire to learn
6. my job! my job description that i could have... sports ministry/coach/mentor

there are other things that i am thankful for..
looking forward to...
more later..
after my 2 days celebration!

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from Job to Linkin Park...

Tuesday, 3. March 2009, 03:01:26

random thoughts

It has been a while since I last blogged.
We are into the 3rd month of 2009.

So many things had happened since then.

I have been doing my devotion reading the book of Job in the bible.
It is the account of a righteous man Job whom God was happy with. He was blessed with family, wealth and respect from the community.
There comes Satan who challenged the faith of Job as dependent on the blessings that God has given to Him. If Job is not as blessed, he would not believe in God nor worship.
And thus, God give Satan the permission to inflict pain and suffering to Job except to take his life.

After suffering the lost of his family, wealth, he was inflicted with sores and bodily pain.

In these times of suffering, came his friend. They came attempting to comfort him. They sat and cried with him for 7 days before they start to question the source of his suffering. They tried to find an answer to his pain by pointing to his sins, which Job eloquently denied.

Then he cried and cried to God.
He did not curse God but continue to acknowledge him as God but he did not stop complaining and crying to Him.
After 40 chapters of crying, God answered Job.
But rather to tell him why he is suffering, God just reminded Job who He really is and who Job really is within His creation. Job is a mere man, a created being who created and taken care of by God. The Creator of Heaven and Earth, the author of life as just one of His beloved creation, have put Job in his place.

My mom has been suffering from depression then schizophrenia since last September. And her condition got really bad and was admitted to IMH since 27th Jan.
I asked the same question…
Why God, why my mom who is not a bad person, who loving mother and wife is suffering from a condition that she has no control over.
The doctor cannot do much except to talk to her and give her medicine to hopefully to correct what they believed is the lack of or overacting of dopamine chemical in her brain that cause her to unable to process the information she receives about her environment. Her delusions make her incapable to see what is real and what is her imagination.
The line was blurred and her worries and anxiety become real, they become images not just conjured in her mind but real image that her eyes sees, her ears hear.

It is like living in a nightmare 24/7 that you feel is real but everyone tells you that it is not.

How to you deal with this mental pain?
Constant fear and anxiety that you have no break from?

I recently bought the new Linkin Park live album ‘ the road to revolution’ and was reminded of the song ‘given up’.
My mom’s constant cry…
Of running away … giving up…
Hating the place…
Why and what is the cause of this all…
Why me…

And for all my friends who are suffering from depression…
From any pain there seems no reason, no purpose, not deserving.
Why God.. why me… why this…

Linkin Park speaks of what Job might be crying out to God.
Speaks of what we might be crying out to God in today’s language…

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the f*** is wrong
With me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my f***ing misery

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