monday ruminations

It has been a while since I last blogged.
We are into the 3rd month of 2009.

So many things had happened since then.

I have been doing my devotion reading the book of Job in the bible.
It is the account of a righteous man Job whom God was happy with. He was blessed with family, wealth and respect from the community.
There comes Satan who challenged the faith of Job as dependent on the blessings that God has given to Him. If Job is not as blessed, he would not believe in God nor worship.
And thus, God give Satan the permission to inflict pain and suffering to Job except to take his life.

After suffering the lost of his family, wealth, he was inflicted with sores and bodily pain.

In these times of suffering, came his friend. They came attempting to comfort him. They sat and cried with him for 7 days before they start to question the source of his suffering. They tried to find an answer to his pain by pointing to his sins, which Job eloquently denied.

Then he cried and cried to God.
He did not curse God but continue to acknowledge him as God but he did not stop complaining and crying to Him.
After 40 chapters of crying, God answered Job.
But rather to tell him why he is suffering, God just reminded Job who He really is and who Job really is within His creation. Job is a mere man, a created being who created and taken care of by God. The Creator of Heaven and Earth, the author of life as just one of His beloved creation, have put Job in his place.

My mom has been suffering from depression then schizophrenia since last September. And her condition got really bad and was admitted to IMH since 27th Jan.
I asked the same question…
Why God, why my mom who is not a bad person, who loving mother and wife is suffering from a condition that she has no control over.
The doctor cannot do much except to talk to her and give her medicine to hopefully to correct what they believed is the lack of or overacting of dopamine chemical in her brain that cause her to unable to process the information she receives about her environment. Her delusions make her incapable to see what is real and what is her imagination.
The line was blurred and her worries and anxiety become real, they become images not just conjured in her mind but real image that her eyes sees, her ears hear.

It is like living in a nightmare 24/7 that you feel is real but everyone tells you that it is not.

How to you deal with this mental pain?
Constant fear and anxiety that you have no break from?

I recently bought the new Linkin Park live album ‘ the road to revolution’ and was reminded of the song ‘given up’.
My mom’s constant cry…
Of running away … giving up…
Hating the place…
Why and what is the cause of this all…
Why me…

And for all my friends who are suffering from depression…
From any pain there seems no reason, no purpose, not deserving.
Why God.. why me… why this…


Linkin Park speaks of what Job might be crying out to God.
Speaks of what we might be crying out to God in today’s language…

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say?

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the f*** is wrong
With me

I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my f***ing misery