Saturday, 10. May 2008, 20:55:37
The Dark Side of Spring
Creeping by the sudden darkness of the night,
I think of all the hidden feelings as I write.
I remember seeing her sneak out of the house, at an unexpected midnight,
with everyone sleeping, and dreaming of a pleasant dream, and sleeping tight.
On the other hand, she steps away from the doorsteps, takes a few, long breaths
as intended, and starts running as powerful and as painfully as she could.
She was feeling angry; her frustration drove her to run between every pair of houses, as dim as darkness could imagine.
With no care of what could happen to her, and with an unlimited urge to fight away her disturbing thoughts, she continues without hesitation.
Feeling extremely numb, she begins thinking about
what had encouraged her to go running in the first place.
It was like she was revising her life from the beginning until the present,
trying to get all of her thoughts and all of her feelings together.
She feels like she has been haunted by all of her memories,
which had been worrying her for the past years of her life.
The night has been dimmed by the powerful wolves’ howls.
The silence awaits her every footstep, as she tip-toes to her front door.
She believes that her mind is her most dangerous weapon,
against everything for her to be so sure.
A slight shadow reveals its curtains of light,
slowly lessened by the fears that her heart carries.
Though her mind might be to the extreme power,
her heart was the weakest muscle she had ever pulled.
When it was the right time for her to face those fears,
she ran away, thinking that a haunting spirit was chasing her.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 20:53:12
Too Dead to Regret
I don’t surpass anyone.
Don’t call me someone I’m not.
I don’t lie to anyone.
Don’t think that truth is all that I’ve got.
And when it’s time for me to leave this world,
when it’s time for a deep sleep…
And when I leave my spirit in your hands,
when you’re feeling oh so weak…
I’m not going to fall for your mistakes again.
I’m not going to decide who loses and who wins.
Even in death my love for you never dies.
It is this of what I’ve dreamt.
Leaving you is not a decision.
Someone needs my soul to give in.
A coward’s strength is rejecting my help.
So killing myself ended up as a useless sin...
The cool, intoxicating breeze wraps around my throat…
and then takes my soul away.
You sit on my grave, and instead of flowers, you hold knives to stick in.
This is all just part of my pain.
So now I know that I’m unappreciated by you.
And you’re so cold inside, that I can’t feel you.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 20:49:54
The Nightmare Before Death
Diligently slicing the truth between my heart and my mind…
Slowly dividing the feelings, as a wide barrier between my spirit and my soul…
I lie down, unconsciously dreaming of the disappearance of my death…
I fall into a deep slumber of unmistakable nightmares, of you and me and our sudden regrets…
Do not confine yourself from your own corrupted thoughts…
I know, even without your assurance, that you didn’t trust me from the start…
With every movement I make, you are right behind me, writing the novel about my nearly-ending life…
You swear that you know me; you claim that you know my testimonies to pull out that specific bloody knife…
You said that you were dedicated to solve my problems, that you were rich in solutions…
Such a poor excuse to become part of my life; I’m afraid you’re too sightless to understand that I know everything…
Expecting me to be unaware of your one and only game, to erase all the early memories of you and me, from its beginning until its ending…
Knowing that I am so sensitive to conceive all of this agony, all of this pain…
You keep injecting me with the bitter wine you call your sweet apologies…
With the determination to underestimate my train of thought…
You think that this peaceful grave is the first and last thing that I have always fought…
Have you ever dreamt of death dying?
Have you ever dreamt of life living forever?
Have you ever dreamt of your lover always being blamed?
Have you ever dreamt of me crying just because I am constantly ashamed?
Without you admitting, I know that you expect me to scream from pain every night…
Do not deny what you think I possibly assume…
You tell the present demons to disturb my mind, to experience living nightmares…
I am the person who screamed, cried, and feared life, every second of what was unfair…
As I laid frozen on the rough, snowy surface of Earth, kissing the last loyal rose…
You survive within the silver heavens, and placed your head on the comforting cloud…
Aiming at my helpless, unworthy heart, you shoot an arrow of deceit to catch my last breath, as the only manner to tell me that I was a traitor…
I know that I slipped away from the truth and didn’t obey what was told to me later…
What if I loved him…? Does this give you the permission to take away my life?
What if I admired him…? Was this the only mistake in me that you felt deserved to be the final attempt to try?
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 20:46:34
Star Sacrifice
It seemed like a convincingly new and perfect beginning…
Just more candles to be lit, with their lights gracefully dancing and spinning…
With more stars banned from facing each other, every one of them, romantically grinning…
You and I are staring at each other, emotionally challenged with my expected ending…
Just another late night, with the black, shimmering sky kissing the warm, motherly earth…
With extremely dizzy waves, rolling over one another, the freezing waters are giving birth…
When the unique jewels of the heavens, drop like ripe apples from one stubborn tree…
When the moon looks down, upon us, wrapping our helpless selves with a blessed lunar mystery…
And when all the other coupled stars roamed around the universe and left us alone…
We were the only blazing stars, aggressively loving in a form, away from its own…
You thought that you were my never-ending sacrifice, and planned to give up yourself for me…
So the starlight of yours decided to dip into these deep heavens for an unrecognizable eternity…
Though it was your final decision, the abnormal gravity reeled you north…
So close to losing you, I understood that I was the dull one and deprived from your warmth…
It looks like I am your sacrifice, and with my unmistakable right to die…
I thoughtlessly move closer to the sharp, metallic edge, and thoroughly stab away all my light…
I rapidly fall into the cold heavens that freeze me whole…
Surprisingly, without a doubt, you cried tears of emptiness, with a hollow soul…
Then I land on a prickly surface, where all love is banned…
I am the broken star that died on the ocean floor, of the uneven, textured sand.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 20:43:39
Hatred Towards Myself
I’m not underestimating myself…
I can’t remember what happened these last few seconds,
the last time I took a breath.
I can assure you with absolute certainty…
that I have done something wrong with complete dishonesty.
I don’t expect your angel eyes to glare back at mine…
with any forgiveness, trust, or your heart beating as a crucial sign .
First you greeted me with a suspicious smile...
suddenly, a few minutes later you said good-bye.
Even though you think that this might be the end…
there is always a new beginning to every other fake feeling that blends...
But I can tell you that I have innocently lied to you…
just so you won’t worry about me
or think about this frustrating truth .
You have all the right in the world
to consider me as your deceiver…
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to follow the wrong footsteps
without any thinking, considered as a foolish believer.
It seems that every time I aim to find myself,
something else stops me from forgetting the past, as what is left.
I have realized that you have gone through
all of this confusion, all of this pain…
but now I realize that this hurts so scornfully,
and that it is not a game.
If words are not enough, if words are not present…
then how could I express to you my sorrow,
by apologizing without any interrupting currents?
I try so hard to forget, I try so hard to let go
of this ache and unrealistic bliss…
but I’m worrying about so many things,
how can I expect myself to live through this?
I’m begging you:
“Don’t forgive me, please, don’t forgive me.”
Let me feel this indescribable guilt…
Allow me to feel all this hatred I have towards myself…
All these secrets I’ve been hiding,
just to mysteriously keep me away from everyone else.
I’m awfully sorry,
I’m apologizing from all my heart.
For the only reason that now I recognize,
that I was the one that broke you from the start.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 16:10:44
The Devil is Whispering
Inhale her entire ache.
Understand why you think she’s so fake.
Breathe all her soreness.
You know that she can’t sleep with all the thinking and awareness.
She’s blinded by the bright sun’s light.
Now it’s your chance to reel her in tonight.
Now you can grab her soul.
You are capable of stealing her focus to take control.
At last you’ve lurked your way to her lonely heart’s chamber.
Then you’d suck in her spirit and create her.
This is your only time to gain your sorrow revenge.
All that she caused you gives you the right to avenge.
She’s right next to you for you to snatch.
Is it true that you’re thinking if she deserves this punishment, even after it was your life that she had crashed?
Keep me away from your miserable thoughts.
My mind will never follow anything that you’ve sought.
Leave my useless decision to be dealt with, on its own.
I haven’t ever thought of hurting her, and I have never dreamt of making her moan to herself all alone.
I’m not strategic as you are at being cruel.
You just say these things for me to resemble an ignorant fool.
You’re too humiliating.
Can’t you leave from my head, purposely escape from my mind to stop me from being disintegrating?
Why can’t you stop complaining?
You know you want to destroy her; you know that you want her to taste all the blaming.
Are you trying to play with my mind?
Or are you just running away from your own fear, so my solution would turn out to be nothing that I can find?
Is it your heart that wants me to leave?
Are you just scared that you will fail to achieve?
You wish that I was afraid of you.
But I’m not, because you are the one who is going to suffer a whole eternity of horror and indescribable truth.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 16:00:06
Wanting You Home
Singing these words that are hard to express…
Counting these letters that don’t mean anything unless,
You understand that I’m nothing without you.
I hope you see me as your love so true.
Baby, I know that my love might be lacking,
When my heart feels so deeply like collapsing…
But what can I say when I know that I’m losing myself,
And when my soul is there to satisfy someone else?
I’ve been waiting all these years for you to hold my hand.
And before I sleep I call your name and say “good night,” I feel extremely sad…
Because I know that you’re not there to hold me in your arms.
You’re not there to show me all of your charm.
But it’s not your fault it might be mine, though.
I should have called you on the phone, to let you know:
I’m not going to lose my one and only again.
I’m going to get a ticket that would lead me right to you, to wait on your bed.
I want to see your reaction when you come through your door,
So you know that I will love you forever more.
This all was just like a dream, and nothing is coming true.
You know that I would give up my life, just to be with you.
And now I’m crying extremely hard, because what I feel is pain.
All this pain is depriving me from joyful and pleasant days.
And I have one last breath to spend on, to tell you what I wanted to say long ago.
Even though I might be dying from loneliness…you know that “I love you so.”
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 15:59:03
I'm Sick of You
I feel like screaming at you, breaking your heart.
I feel like yelling for love, tearing your heart like a delicate paper apart.
I want to hide all this pain, to run away from this game.
I just want to give up all that I’ve got, to make all this hate stop.
There’s just too much to reveal.
There’s too little love, too much to fear.
I’m sick of thinking about you, I’m sick of crying for you.
I’m sick of lying for you, I’m sick of moaning for you.
I’m sick of you.
You’re my nightmare.
You cheated on me…you want all my heart, you don’t want to share.
It might seem that I’m not tough.
It might look that I’m just scared, but you know what? “I had enough.”
You’re too stubborn to admit, that you’d be nothing without me.
You’re too ignorant to understand, that I was the one by your side…”Can’t you see?”
I swear to God that I meant that I loved you.
After I understood that you were just taking advantage, why should I believe in you?
Just go, I don’t really care anymore.
Just apologize, and say that you were wrong all this time.
I’m sorry that I have to tell you this but,
I’m sick of you.
I’m sick of you.
I’m sick of you.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 15:58:35
Call My Name
Let Me Die. Spare your Life.
Just Let Go. Let me flow.
All the way; leave my pain.
Fade with my best memory; your arms wrapped around me.
Your tears are falling slowly, but they’re landing on my face.
I will remind you that everything you do and say to me…
…will be recorded in my soul and heart forever baby.
Now I’ll disappear; keeping all these years so close.
That I will never dare to forget all those…
Better times we had, together.
So let me lay in your arms,
for the last time…
in your thoughtful charm.
And I swear,
I’ll be there…
for you, when you call my name.
Saturday, 10. May 2008, 15:56:54
Hope Will Take You Everywhere
I am listening to the songs on the radio,
all which were sad and glum.
I am whispering the notes from the tune, to you…
which I always have sung.
I am screaming because of the pain of others,
carrying all their revenge and tears.
I am saluting all the solutions in this world,
all to conquer everyone’s fears.
You always rejected my decisions,
never took my help or advice.
You always were planning on killing yourself,
torturing yourself through a knife.
You always blamed everything on me,
left all the shame and the misery.
You always knew that I cared,
and that I would do anything to stop the pain delivery.
I cannot put in you courage and strength,
I cannot make you crave for love and hope.
I cannot engrave in you ability and dignity,
I cannot assure that you can live by a back-stroke.
I cannot insert in your mind and in your brain,
all of the knowledge and wisdom that I have.
I cannot do anything except give you advice,
wish that you could heal to cry your first laugh.
You finally took my advice and listened,
you accepted my guidance and suggestions.
You gave me so much happiness at this very moment,
and all of this leads to one decision.
You put life back into me,
made me feel like a newborn child.
Whose life has rejuvenated,
all feelings and emotions worth while.
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