Yeah so I'm not writing here a lot because of that but really that's kinda an excuse because I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I should. I'm just kinda stuck on one part of my novel. Oh duh, I'm doing the nanowrimo.org thing, check it out.

They have awesome pep talks. I only have about 2,700 something words which basically means if I don't kick it up a notch I won't be done by sometime in April. The idea is to have it done in the month of November and to like crazy push yourself. (Otherwise possibly procrastinate for.. ?)

I think I agree with someone who once told me "Everyone has a novel in them." Although as one pep talk chick said, it's a matter of putting your butt in the chair and typing it out though. That's the only difference between people who have written a novel and those that haven't.

So, on that note, if you are wondering what it's about, mermaids (right, you aren't shocked if you know me at all, I love mermaids) My "what if " statement as Stephen King says all his books are ("What if a car came to life?-Carrie" as an example) Mine is "What if mermaids are real?" further, what if they are hiding in the Bermuda Triangle and have their own world there

Here is my unedited first part (I have 3 Chapters as of this moment) - Double Warning: This is unedited!

"He breathed in deeply and let go and floated to the top of the water, shook the water off his hair and looked around.. ahhh the beautiful sea.. finally he had some peace, no beeping cell phone, no emails, no whiny.. anyone. Vacation at last was all around him and he breathed in once more, taking in the ocean air. He couldn't even remember the last time he was in the water, maybe as a kid.

He dove down again and took in the view.. such beautiful ocean life all around him and he was going to enjoy every moment he could. Live in the present.. he repeated to himself like a mantra because for the last few years he had seemed to only live in his past and that was definitely something he intended to change.

He saw a shimmer in the water and thought it was a fish but blinked a few more times, maybe his goggles were fogged but he thought he saw a face, maybe someone got lost? He guessed that more than one boat probably toured these nice waters so he swam towards the rock where he thought he saw someone then saw a fin, ahh ok, just some fish. "

I finally got to eat almost normal yesterday and normal today! woohoo! Food, what a wonderful wonderful thing!

My brother changed my bad headlight for me as I figured it's about darn time I get the left headlight fixed considering it's getting darker earlier (I didn't bother for a month or two fixing it because Simon and I are always home and he's in bed by 8pm and it didn't get dark till 9 or so during the summer)

And truthfully, I felt a bit nervous since I haven't been to an auto parts store in such a long time to go get the bulb.

Turns out as usual, it was easy, the cashier guy tried to help me since the parts guy was busy with a line. I got behind two guys in line and from across the store the cashier yelled "I can help you over here!" ok so there are benefits to being a redhead and the only girl in an auto parts store

At first there were two options for bulbs and neither of us were sure if one was right but I realized it's just a housing for the bulb (I had the old one with me in my hand) so that was indeed the correct one. woo go logic

Then my brother had to disconnect the battery in the car when changing it because he couldn't fit his hand all the way in. I could fit mine in but couldn't figure out how the heck to secure it.

So then all is well, my mom and I go to library and notice the a/c in the car all the sudden only works when we are in motion, not when the car is idling (like at the 3 minute stoplights here and it's 95 degrees out of course )

So I start worrying, great will I have to take it in for repairs and it's so expensive..ugh waste my whole afternoon in some shop waiting to just spend bunches of money. I just get this hunch though that it's the relay (I remember my brother for some reason had the relay box open) and one time I replaced my a/c relay circuit (I did research online, woo go internet! saving me tons of monies) so I just think , maybe it's not pushed in enough..

My brother and dad say no no I doubt that is it and then my brother is kind of tired of the whole thing and Simon is crazy cranky wanting his second nap so I say, well I'll go home, let him nap then figure out the car stuff later.

Just for the heck of it I push down all the relays and drive home, viola! it's fixed I guess now I can claim I know a "little" bit of car stuff so I definitely wrote in my grateful journal, so glad that worked!!!!!

I decided this back in February of this year and have been working on it ever since. I didn't like my internal dialogue, at ALL. I didn't like the way I coped with internal feelings or how I suppressed my anger and turned it inwards into sadness, or snapped at people while thinking I was this delightful little thing (but really was just angry and fooling myself)

I learned how to let go, thanks to many self help books, videos, articles and just absorbing myself in psychology. Well before then I had learned of neuroplasticity and thought, well if you can form new connections for basic functions in your mind then I can "reprogram" my brain and internal dialogue however I want!

I used to make mistakes and beat myself over and over mentally for it, I'd make sure I'd tell others so they could join in telling me about what was I thinking making xyz mistake? The difference between then and now is when I make a mistake I let myself pay the price only ONCE for it.

Also I'm not ashamed of who I am as a person because I made a mistake (before I was) but think, ok I made a mistake, big deal. I also made myself write lists (which works for me personally) of everything that ever made me angry..wow was it long but healing.

So I started to look myself in the mirror everyday and say "I love you" at least 3 times feeling stupid at first. I had to do it many more than 3 times then started crying. Now it's funny and I laugh and then smile big at myself. I feel my entire energy change and the way I talk to myself now months later, isn't perfect, but it's getting so MUCH better.

I was angry at my ex today and feeling down, so I jotted this down to myself, this is the type of thing I write. In the past, I'd feel crazy for posting this kind of stuff but guess what, this is me, deal with it

I'm learning to go past letting go and into "forgiveness" to help explain why I wrote like I did and I talk to myself like I'd like a loving, supportive friend to, gee.. myself
8/6/12: 4pm
"you have to remember that it may take some time to work through that mentally. forgiveness may not come easily as in..maybe I'll have to forgive him EVERY day. It will come though..my love.. it will I love you so much, you have my heart and my whole heart, not just part of it.

We will get through this. I can see you are strong and just flex and bend as needed like the wind. Be that calm gentle breeze you see in the trees outside the window, allow it into your heart, feel that towards everyone that has wronged you and let it go..free it, free yourself from that. today is a new day , minute by minute, hour by hour. Whatever it takes to heal, you will allow it into your life. Let it flow.

Let it go through you, process it, let it hurt if it needs to but then let it go, grieve and continue on as best you can. Whatever gets you to that big beautiful smile is worth it "

I have more canvas ordered and on the way. Time to get started painting again, it's so relaxing

I want to type all these things but feeling a bit repressed in general, so it's not that my head isn't always full of things to say (because it is, I can never shut it up) just nothing sounds like it comes out right these days so I will refrain.

Anyway, So that's why my blog hasn't been updated in awhile

I can show the two new paintings I finished the other night

Than folding your toddler's tiny little laundry when he's fast asleep and marveling at how small he is even though he seems "bigger" now.

Belly laughs with him when making silly noises while waiting in the car during stoplights.

Him flipping a straw up and down in his mouth and giggling till our sides hurt

At the amount and depth that my life has changed and become richer since becoming 'mama'

Him throwing his arms around me at night and laying his head on my shoulder, absolute bliss

nearly crying when hearing his first heartbeats over monitor when pregnant because I was already in love with him.

I knew these moments were coming, just had no idea they'd be so strong , challenging or just exactly how much I'd grow and continue to