Writer's Block

"Ready! Aim! Fire!"

The shots rang out, and Aldernak slumped against the post. A few feet away from him, Sophie gritted her teeth and awaited her turn.
Then, as the rifles took aim, a voice yelled.

"Cut! CUT!!!"

The director stomped angrily onto the set for the umpteenth time.

"That was all wrong! What the hell's the matter with you people today?! Tom, why is Aldernak still breathing after he's been shot? I can see your chest going up and down, up and down. And Cate - brush your teeth! I can see something small and green stuck to them, and I don't want Sophie's dying speech marred by an errant speck of spinach."

He turned towards the firing squad.

"As for you lot – you useless maggots! Only two of you even pulled the damn trigger! And don't think I didn't notice that one of you said 'Bang!'. Where on earth did we get you people? No, don't answer that - I'm not sure I actually want to know. Incidentally, it's conventional to aim AT the target, not somewhere about six feet above its head. Now...pay attention."

He gestured furiously at Tom to get out of the way, and took his place in front of the post.

"Ok, let's run through how this works. First, the words. At 'Ready', the rifles should be held vertically. At 'Aim', they will point at me in one smooth motion. At 'Fire', you pull the triggers, at which point I will pretend to be dead. The eagle-eyed among you will notice that this does not include conspicuous chest movement. The less aware of you, like our dear friend Tom, had better learn fast."

"Er, the gu-"

"I don't remember asking you to speak. Get ready."

"Bu-"

"One more word and you'll be cleaning out Tom's bathtub. Ok?"

A terrified nod.

"Good. Everyone, take your places. And....go!"

"Ready!"

"Aim!"

"Much better!" said the director.

"Fire!"

Five bullets thudded into the director. He looked stunned for a moment, then gently collapsed on the ground. They all gathered around him.

"Well, you did try and warn him. It's not your fault he hadn't read the script properly. Or the notes on the props."

"Live ammo on a set. No wonder you were hyperventilating after every take, Tom."

"Ah yes, that reminds me...hand me one of those rifles."

"Here you go. Er...where are you going?"

"I'm just curious about how carefully my agent read the script. I'm thinking of re-enacting a scene..."