Writer's Block

"Good morning, sir. How may i help you?"
"At last! I've been trying to ring this number for a week!"
"I'm sorry about that sir, we're very busy at this time of year. The rush season, you know."
"In April?"
"Er, yes...er, lots of Easter Eggs sent through the mail in April."
"But Easter was in March this year."
"That's right, sir."
"But, you're saying that...no, i'm not getting into that now, not on my phone bill. I'm trying to find what happened to a parcel. It was supposed to arrive a week ago."
"Do you have a reference number for it, sir?"
"Yes, it's ED155786619GB."
"Just a moment, sir."

Some tapping on a keyboard is heard.

"Yes, sir, it's out for delivery."
"I know it's out for delivery. It's been saying that every day for 10 days. Well, where is it?"
"I'm sorry, sir, i don't have that information available."
"Look, i'm only half a mile from the depot. The depot where it arrived two weeks ago!"
"Well, according to the records we couldn't deliver because you weren't at home."
"Not at home? Not at home?! I've not left the house once! Your alleged delivery person never even came near the house!"
"Perhaps you were in the bathroom when he called sir."
"Ten days in a row? I don't live on the toilet, you know!"
"It is possible, sir."
"Fine, ok, it's possible. And i suppose my wife and eldest son were on the toilet too, right? After all, what better family occasion is there than a trip to the bathroom?!"
"There's no need to shout, sir."
"Well, perhaps if you were actually helpful rather than make stupid comments i'd be a little calmer."
"I'm just speculating, sir."
"Well, how about i try that for a change. Let's see...my theory is that your parcel delivery company is so unbelievably useless that they can't find a house on the main road leading to their own depot after ten days of 'trying'."
"I assure you, sir-"
"Or perhaps so unbelievably pissed. I'm sure we're both aware of the presence of The Dog and Trumpet a scant three doors away from your establishment."
"I've no idea what you're talking about."
"I bet you're the only one left behind, manning the phones while the others go and deliver beer to their bellies."
"Er...about your parcel..."
"Suddenly want to change the subject? Ok, i'll bite. Where is my parcel?"
"Well, i need you to confirm the address matching the reference earlier."
"I see, so after ten 'attempts' at delivery, suddenly you think maybe you've been looking for the wrong house?"
"Er...yes."
"I'll tell you what the problem is. Your fellow muppets should have been looking for 6 Charter Street, as opposed to suddenly losing their way at 122 Charter Street and needing to ask the landlord for directions."
"I really can't comment on our route-finding methods, sir - company secrets."
"That's not a problem, i have my own. It's strange, but i just walked out the door, turned left, walked for a couple of minutes, and...there i am, outside the depot."
"You're outside? Now?!"
"Yes, i want my parcel. This way is much more efficient. Now, if you'll just open the door i'm sure we can find it together."
"I can't do that, sir - postal employees only."
"I had a feeling you'd say that. Well, no matter."

CLANG!

"Er...what was that, sir?"
"Just me and my little crowbar."
"Crowbar?!!"
"Yes, were you under the impression i was willing to wait anymore?"
"But...er...you can't do this! It's against the Postal Code! We'll stop you!"
"We? Your colleagues are currently in the pub heaving up their guts. Having a routine makes you vulnerable, you know."
"Eek! Stop that, you can't come in!"
"You should have delivered my parcel."
"Stay out!"
"Too late for that now...i'm inside and i can SEE you."

Gibbering.

"GIVE ME MY PARCEL!"
"It's over there...behind the TV!!"
"What's it doing there? Wait...are those beer stains on the wrapping paper?!"
"It was an accident!! Please...we didn't mean any harm, we just-"

CRUNCH!

"At last, some peace and quiet. Now, let's open this parcel."

Noises of paper being torn.

"Ah, there you are."

Sounds of turning pages.

"'add a drop of lavender to your bath, and soon you'll soak yourself calm.' Hey, that sounds good."