Puzzlement
Saturday, 21. February 2009, 18:17:07
"Yo, bitches!"
The trio of women turned and glared at him angrily. Had he said something wrong? His guidebook said this was a traditional London greeting in the early 21st century. He thumbed anxiously through the pages.
"Er...good evening, ladies of easy virtue. Might I crave a boon?"
"What?! You filthy little git - get away from us!"
"But-"
"Get lost!"
One of them whacked him in the head with her handbag, leaving a rather ugly purple bruise. As he fall awkwardly to the ground, they ran off.
Clearly that hadn't gone well. Was it his pronunciation? That'd teach him to skip the tour operator's language courses. Too late to make amends now - bygones.
He struggled to his feet and hurriedly checked everything was still intact. The recall device had a small dent in one side, but looked ok. The DNA camera and souvenir catcher were famously rugged, and he knew he'd break sooner than they did. Then he spotted it, nestled at the bottom of his case - the PortaPoopy, squashed flat and clearly unsalvageable.
There really wasn't any way that was good news, not for him or anyone around. Time was pressing, and his attempt to ask passers-by for help hadn't been a great success. Spotting a tall blue box a hundred metres away with the door ajar, he ran for it, rushed inside and sank down with his back against the door. A moment later someone started trying to push it open, but it was too late to worry about that or the unexpected size of the interior. He undid his belt and relaxed...
Several minutes passed...
He staggered out of the phone box and stared around him. Not quite as bad as he'd feared - just five people lay prone nearby, and one appeared to still be breathing. It was time to get out of there before anything else went wrong.
Buttoning up his shirt, he pressed the button in the centre of the recall device and blinked out of London. A moment later he appeared at the travel gate, and walked a little sheepishly out into the front room and past the front desk.
"Nice trip?" said the travel guide.
"Meh."
it's a bit hit-and-miss, I think
The trio of women turned and glared at him angrily. Had he said something wrong? His guidebook said this was a traditional London greeting in the early 21st century. He thumbed anxiously through the pages.
"Er...good evening, ladies of easy virtue. Might I crave a boon?"
"What?! You filthy little git - get away from us!"
"But-"
"Get lost!"
One of them whacked him in the head with her handbag, leaving a rather ugly purple bruise. As he fall awkwardly to the ground, they ran off.
Clearly that hadn't gone well. Was it his pronunciation? That'd teach him to skip the tour operator's language courses. Too late to make amends now - bygones.
He struggled to his feet and hurriedly checked everything was still intact. The recall device had a small dent in one side, but looked ok. The DNA camera and souvenir catcher were famously rugged, and he knew he'd break sooner than they did. Then he spotted it, nestled at the bottom of his case - the PortaPoopy, squashed flat and clearly unsalvageable.
There really wasn't any way that was good news, not for him or anyone around. Time was pressing, and his attempt to ask passers-by for help hadn't been a great success. Spotting a tall blue box a hundred metres away with the door ajar, he ran for it, rushed inside and sank down with his back against the door. A moment later someone started trying to push it open, but it was too late to worry about that or the unexpected size of the interior. He undid his belt and relaxed...
Several minutes passed...
He staggered out of the phone box and stared around him. Not quite as bad as he'd feared - just five people lay prone nearby, and one appeared to still be breathing. It was time to get out of there before anything else went wrong.
Buttoning up his shirt, he pressed the button in the centre of the recall device and blinked out of London. A moment later he appeared at the travel gate, and walked a little sheepishly out into the front room and past the front desk.
"Nice trip?" said the travel guide.
"Meh."
it's a bit hit-and-miss, I think
(0%)
WIDGETIZE
Javaen # 21. February 2009, 18:21
I'm so glad you finished one. I've been waiting forever.
Spaggyj # 21. February 2009, 18:33
Furie # 21. February 2009, 18:48
Dacotah # 21. February 2009, 18:49
Hope you win Mart.
Moesring # 21. February 2009, 19:59
I don't know why but I really love that name.
Love the opening.
theoddbod # 21. February 2009, 20:24
@Kimmie : Glad you liked it
@Mik : Who do you think is the one left breathing?
@Carol : Thanks!
@Moesring : I love that name too
I think the opening is very good too, but the rest is weaker.
Dacotah # 21. February 2009, 20:28
Javaen # 21. February 2009, 20:40
Since you feel unsettled yet with the story, I think a few descriptive sentences in a couple places could perfect it. I get that you like to leave things unsaid. As long as it's figured out by your fans, that's good. I've 85% got it.
Dacotah # 21. February 2009, 20:51
theoddbod # 21. February 2009, 20:59
Javaen # 21. February 2009, 21:00
Spaggyj # 21. February 2009, 21:00
Spaggyj # 21. February 2009, 21:02
Dacotah # 21. February 2009, 21:02
Furie # 21. February 2009, 21:05
theoddbod # 21. February 2009, 21:08
clean # 21. February 2009, 22:23
Phantom2 # 22. February 2009, 08:02
...and PortaPoopy.
theoddbod # 22. February 2009, 10:33
And it appears to be trademark-free at the moment
Furie # 22. February 2009, 10:43
theoddbod # 22. February 2009, 11:36
Yeah, but I hear it's missing the vital 'wee' feature that everyone else has had for years, and that you can only do movements after you've downloaded the instructions from the iPoop store
Furie # 22. February 2009, 11:53
theoddbod # 22. February 2009, 12:58
Furie # 22. February 2009, 13:41
Javaen # 22. February 2009, 15:19
rose-marie # 22. February 2009, 17:12
Cois # 24. February 2009, 12:33
theoddbod # 24. February 2009, 21:52