An End
Saturday, 10. November 2007, 23:30:31
I just killed a man.
Resurrection
Sunday, 4. November 2007, 01:35:53
Such a long time here, waiting. So many years trapped behind this seal, buried under the earth, waiting for my time to come again.
It won't be long now. I can hear them through the ground, chanting the words to break the seal. Damn rituals – I wish they’d skip to the pickaxe bit. It's not like I'm gagged in here – if the words actually opened the seal I would have escaped on day one.
Finally the chanting stops, and all is silent. Wait...they haven't left? Surely not, not after all this effort. I strain my ears to hear...anything...
BOOM!
Ah, dynamite! My ears may be ringing, but the seal is gone at last. I sit up, and wait for the dust to clear. Then I emerge into the room where my worshippers wait. They prostrate themselves immediately.
I take a few moments to study them. They are…disappointing. Five balding, pot-bellied men in their sixties, all dressed in white like me. I was hoping for something else, preferably young and female. I cast one more disdainful look over them, then turn on my heel and leave. I bolt the door as I do so – disciples such as these are unworthy of me.
The way to the surface is long, but at last I burst into the sunlight and announce my return to the world :
"You ain’t nothing but a hound dog!"
It won't be long now. I can hear them through the ground, chanting the words to break the seal. Damn rituals – I wish they’d skip to the pickaxe bit. It's not like I'm gagged in here – if the words actually opened the seal I would have escaped on day one.
Finally the chanting stops, and all is silent. Wait...they haven't left? Surely not, not after all this effort. I strain my ears to hear...anything...
BOOM!
Ah, dynamite! My ears may be ringing, but the seal is gone at last. I sit up, and wait for the dust to clear. Then I emerge into the room where my worshippers wait. They prostrate themselves immediately.
I take a few moments to study them. They are…disappointing. Five balding, pot-bellied men in their sixties, all dressed in white like me. I was hoping for something else, preferably young and female. I cast one more disdainful look over them, then turn on my heel and leave. I bolt the door as I do so – disciples such as these are unworthy of me.
The way to the surface is long, but at last I burst into the sunlight and announce my return to the world :
"You ain’t nothing but a hound dog!"
Prize
Monday, 22. October 2007, 23:05:46
From the distant stars they come, eager to put their skills to the test. Even now they prepare to swoop...
"Captain, we have found a suitable target at last!"
"Excellent news, Lieutenant Squonk. Details?"
"Yes, sir. Target is a large female bovine, approximately 12 years old and weighing 800 kilograms. All indications are that she is in superb health."
"Head towards the target at maximum speed, Lieutenant."
"At once, sir."
------
"Storm's coming, Bert."
"Yup."
"Gerty'll be alright though."
"Yup."
------
"We are in visual range of the target, Captain."
"Good, good. Proceed with the abduction."
"Activating tractor beam now, sir."
------
"Bert, I think that saucer-y thing's trying to steal Gerty."
"Yup."
"Don't seem to be making much progress though."
"Nope."
------
"Is there a problem, Squonk?"
"We don't seem to be able to get a lock on the target, Captain. There's something interfering with the beam."
"Any ideas, Spork?"
"There is a small localized energy field between us and the target - some kind of cloaking. I am attempting to modify our scanners now."
"Captain, on the screen, it's-!"
------
"Bert, there's two of them buggers now. Funny tube-y thing just appeared."
"Yup."
"We better get the shotguns."
"Yup."
------
"We meet again, Zelazny."
"Always a...pleasure, Simak."
"Now get your damn ship out of my way!"
"Let's be reasonable about this - we were clearly here first."
"You were here fir-?! Squonk! Open fire at once!"
"Yes, Captain."
------
"You know, that's rather pretty, Bert. All them flashing lights and sparks."
"Yup."
"Best get Gerty out of there, though."
"Yup."
------
"Captain, we're losing engine power and the shields are almost gone."
"Just a little longer - he's going to run, I can feel it."
"Captain..."
"Dammit, we need this! Keep firing!"
"Yes, sir"
------
"Might be an idea to get under cover ourselves, Bert."
"Yup."
"Sorta quickish, too."
------
"Captain, the enemy hull has been breached!"
"Maintain our fire. Finally, Zelazny, you die!"
"Captain, our hull has been breached! The engine is going critical!"
"Oh sh-"
------
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!
------
"That sure was loud, Bert."
"Yup."
"Captain, we have found a suitable target at last!"
"Excellent news, Lieutenant Squonk. Details?"
"Yes, sir. Target is a large female bovine, approximately 12 years old and weighing 800 kilograms. All indications are that she is in superb health."
"Head towards the target at maximum speed, Lieutenant."
"At once, sir."
------
"Storm's coming, Bert."
"Yup."
"Gerty'll be alright though."
"Yup."
------
"We are in visual range of the target, Captain."
"Good, good. Proceed with the abduction."
"Activating tractor beam now, sir."
------
"Bert, I think that saucer-y thing's trying to steal Gerty."
"Yup."
"Don't seem to be making much progress though."
"Nope."
------
"Is there a problem, Squonk?"
"We don't seem to be able to get a lock on the target, Captain. There's something interfering with the beam."
"Any ideas, Spork?"
"There is a small localized energy field between us and the target - some kind of cloaking. I am attempting to modify our scanners now."
"Captain, on the screen, it's-!"
------
"Bert, there's two of them buggers now. Funny tube-y thing just appeared."
"Yup."
"We better get the shotguns."
"Yup."
------
"We meet again, Zelazny."
"Always a...pleasure, Simak."
"Now get your damn ship out of my way!"
"Let's be reasonable about this - we were clearly here first."
"You were here fir-?! Squonk! Open fire at once!"
"Yes, Captain."
------
"You know, that's rather pretty, Bert. All them flashing lights and sparks."
"Yup."
"Best get Gerty out of there, though."
"Yup."
------
"Captain, we're losing engine power and the shields are almost gone."
"Just a little longer - he's going to run, I can feel it."
"Captain..."
"Dammit, we need this! Keep firing!"
"Yes, sir"
------
"Might be an idea to get under cover ourselves, Bert."
"Yup."
"Sorta quickish, too."
------
"Captain, the enemy hull has been breached!"
"Maintain our fire. Finally, Zelazny, you die!"
"Captain, our hull has been breached! The engine is going critical!"
"Oh sh-"
------
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!
------
"That sure was loud, Bert."
"Yup."
Rock.Opera
Saturday, 20. October 2007, 23:26:34
Kite has started a little party tag for the Rock Opera party in San Francisco on October 25th. Follow the second link for more details
.I haven't got the means to to anything YouTube-y, so this is going to simply be a list of songs and/or artists. Some suit a party, some don't. But I like them all a lot
. It's a pretty varied mix too 
.- James - Sit Down (a great karaoke track. There are better James songs, but this one is great to
).
- Prince - Let's Go Crazy (I love this song)
- The Damned - Eloise.
- David Bowie - Rock & Roll Suicide (despite the title, not a depressing song at all. I find the second half very uplifting, the first half is building towards that).
- Terrorvision - Bad Actress (good for a bad mood - turn it up loud and get rid of some tension).
- The Divine Comedy. I couldn't pick an individual song out - I like most of them. Probably 'The Plough' or 'Here Comes The Flood'.
- Eels - Cancer for the Cure
- Roxette - Anyone (i didn't know this existed until a few months ago )
- Thin Lizzy - Still In Love With You (I have two versions of this. The one on the Soft Rock compilation is better than the one on the Best Of)
- The Lighthouse Family - Goodbye Heartbreak (a little different to their other stuff. Uplifting)
- Yoko Kanno - Run Rabbit Junk (this is from the soundtrack to Ghost in a Shell : Stand Alone Complex)
- Noir - Mélodie (another soundtrack, an instrumental)
- Madness - Baggy Trousers (
)
- Ennio Morricone - Paying Off Scores (from the soundtrack to For A Few Dollars More)
- Waterboys - The Whole of the Moon (finishing off with another one to sing to. Except I try to mimic the voice too, and strain my vocal chords
)
Another Phone Grumble...
Monday, 15. October 2007, 23:44:26
This is just a general 'aarrrgggghhhh!' about a couple of minor phone problems I had but eventually fixed, despite Sony Ericsson's and O2's best efforts. Feel free to ignore it - I just had to grumble somewhere.
1) Before I had my K800 replaced for the third time, I had a nice unobtrusive static background that I'd selected from the additional free ones. When I tried to download it again for my latest K800, I discovered that there were no more static backgrounds available. So I put it on the least irksome animation available. At this point, I'd already noticed that my menus were taking about a second to appear every time. For a day or two I contemplated returning the phone, thinking that it was broken in some way. Then, coincidentally, I got too annoyed by the animated background and turned it off. The menus were instantly fixed. It seems that the menus wouldn't appear until the animation had finished its current loop
.
2) HTTP and Socket connections. For nearly a year, I've been using HTTP to connect as Mini refused to find a socket connection (even though other K800 phones in the forums did). It was slower and used more data. I'd downloaded the settings from the SE website, and they were identical to those used on my W800, which did use a socket connection. So I thought maybe O2 was crippling the K800 somehow (not really understanding the difference) and lived with it.
A week ago I was playing around with an IM program. After it refused to connect, I found buried in the help a reference to Socket connections. While researching the difference, I found a website with settings for O2 data connections different to the ones I'd tried. I tried them, they worked, and I've been using them ever since. I can't believe I suffered HTTP connections for so long - Socket is several times faster.
3) All K800s come with a program called Photo Mate which is a collection of tips for making best use of the phone's camera. Initially, 3 of the 9 sections are installed - you have to download the rest. On none of the K800s I had would the others ever download - the app would just freeze after the download...until I tried one more time with my new Socket connection. It worked instantly
.
Thank you for reading this pointless post
1) Before I had my K800 replaced for the third time, I had a nice unobtrusive static background that I'd selected from the additional free ones. When I tried to download it again for my latest K800, I discovered that there were no more static backgrounds available. So I put it on the least irksome animation available. At this point, I'd already noticed that my menus were taking about a second to appear every time. For a day or two I contemplated returning the phone, thinking that it was broken in some way. Then, coincidentally, I got too annoyed by the animated background and turned it off. The menus were instantly fixed. It seems that the menus wouldn't appear until the animation had finished its current loop
.2) HTTP and Socket connections. For nearly a year, I've been using HTTP to connect as Mini refused to find a socket connection (even though other K800 phones in the forums did). It was slower and used more data. I'd downloaded the settings from the SE website, and they were identical to those used on my W800, which did use a socket connection. So I thought maybe O2 was crippling the K800 somehow (not really understanding the difference) and lived with it.
A week ago I was playing around with an IM program. After it refused to connect, I found buried in the help a reference to Socket connections. While researching the difference, I found a website with settings for O2 data connections different to the ones I'd tried. I tried them, they worked, and I've been using them ever since. I can't believe I suffered HTTP connections for so long - Socket is several times faster
.3) All K800s come with a program called Photo Mate which is a collection of tips for making best use of the phone's camera. Initially, 3 of the 9 sections are installed - you have to download the rest. On none of the K800s I had would the others ever download - the app would just freeze after the download...until I tried one more time with my new Socket connection. It worked instantly
.Thank you for reading this pointless post
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
Sunday, 14. October 2007, 20:06:56
As mentioned in an earlier comment. This was at the end of an email I received way over a decade ago at uni.
1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play (Normally one club and two balls)
2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club as to avoid damage to the hole.
6) The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become pirate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11) Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13) Slow play in encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16) Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Note : this post has been edited (3rd Nov) to show the numbers, following the breaking of autonumbered lists in the October My Opera site update
1) Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play (Normally one club and two balls)
2) Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3) Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4) For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5) Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club as to avoid damage to the hole.
6) The object of the game is to make as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7) It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well-formed bunkers.
8) Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9) Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10) Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become pirate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11) Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely careful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12) Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13) Slow play in encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14) It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15) The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16) Payment for membership is dependent upon the given course. Additional assessment may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Note : this post has been edited (3rd Nov) to show the numbers, following the breaking of autonumbered lists in the October My Opera site update
Lines
Saturday, 13. October 2007, 22:47:52
"Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers" said Aldernak.
Sophie raised her eyes to the ceiling for a moment, then stared at him contemptuously.
"Didn't like that one, eh? Hang on...". He flicked through a book hurriedly. "Ah, here we go". He cleared his throat.
"Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes."
The eyes glared back at him.
"How long are you going to do this?" said Sophie.
"Until it works. You see this..." he waved a book at her "...it says the lines are guaranteed. Guaranteed! I just need to find the perfect one...ah!"
"You know what I like about you? My arms".
"Dammit, Aldernak, stop this!"
He skimmed through a few more pages. "Maybe I'm being too subtle. How about this?"
"Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue".
"Let me go, you idiot!".
"That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?"
"Aaarrrgggghhh!"
"With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear".
"Screw you!".
"Hey, are we getting somewhere?"
Sophie struggled once again to free herself from the chair. Was it her imagination, or was one of the ropes starting to loosen?
"When I get free, Aldernak, I'm going to shove that book right up your backside!"
"I'm sure I'll find the right line soon and everything will be fine. Ahem".
"Wanna go halves on a b...no, that one's a bit too much. Er..."
*flick, flick, flick*
"Hi, I make more money than you can spend".
"Aldernak, you don't have any money".
"Hmm...sadly true. Maybe I should try several lines in rapid succession...".
He turned away to scribble in a notepad. "Now, let's see, do I start with the innocent ones or the dirty ones..."
After a desperate but determined wriggle, Sophie finally freed her right arm. She looked anxiously over to where Aldernak was, saw that he was engrossed in his scribbling, and carefully undid the rest of her bonds.
She stood up, massaged the feeling back into her limbs, picked up the chair and then walked over to stand behind Aldernak.
"Okay, I'm just about ready here, you won't be able to resist this lot!"
He started to turn.
"What the-?"
CRASH!
She looked down on his unconscious body.
"Idiot".
Then she got the little book, and shoved it...
Sophie raised her eyes to the ceiling for a moment, then stared at him contemptuously.
"Didn't like that one, eh? Hang on...". He flicked through a book hurriedly. "Ah, here we go". He cleared his throat.
"Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes."
The eyes glared back at him.
"How long are you going to do this?" said Sophie.
"Until it works. You see this..." he waved a book at her "...it says the lines are guaranteed. Guaranteed! I just need to find the perfect one...ah!"
"You know what I like about you? My arms".
"Dammit, Aldernak, stop this!"
He skimmed through a few more pages. "Maybe I'm being too subtle. How about this?"
"Anything drugs can do, I can do with my tongue".
"Let me go, you idiot!".
"That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?"
"Aaarrrgggghhh!"
"With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear".
"Screw you!".
"Hey, are we getting somewhere?"
Sophie struggled once again to free herself from the chair. Was it her imagination, or was one of the ropes starting to loosen?
"When I get free, Aldernak, I'm going to shove that book right up your backside!"
"I'm sure I'll find the right line soon and everything will be fine. Ahem".
"Wanna go halves on a b...no, that one's a bit too much. Er..."
*flick, flick, flick*
"Hi, I make more money than you can spend".
"Aldernak, you don't have any money".
"Hmm...sadly true. Maybe I should try several lines in rapid succession...".
He turned away to scribble in a notepad. "Now, let's see, do I start with the innocent ones or the dirty ones..."
After a desperate but determined wriggle, Sophie finally freed her right arm. She looked anxiously over to where Aldernak was, saw that he was engrossed in his scribbling, and carefully undid the rest of her bonds.
She stood up, massaged the feeling back into her limbs, picked up the chair and then walked over to stand behind Aldernak.
"Okay, I'm just about ready here, you won't be able to resist this lot!"
He started to turn.
"What the-?"
CRASH!
She looked down on his unconscious body.
"Idiot".
Then she got the little book, and shoved it...
Take a seat
Saturday, 6. October 2007, 15:33:01
"Please take a seat, sir. I'll be with you in a moment."
I sit down on the indicated chair and study myself warily in the mirror. Yeah, I should have done this a long time ago. I look like I've been shipwrecked for six months.
"Okay, sir, here we go."
I see him start moving the scissors towards me.
"Whoa, wait a minute, you haven't even asked what I want yet!"
"My mistake, sir, I guess I'm just a bit eager."
"Are you new?"
"I have not been here long, that is true. I'm afraid I simply assumed that you would want it trimmed shorter."
"Well, you're not wrong, but you'd better ask in future".
"Indeed, sir. May I proceed?"
"Let me just put my glasses away...okay, go for it."
Ten minutes later, and my head feels a lot lighter. No more hair falling over the eyes and tickling my nose.
Then I hear a sudden banging.
"What's that noise?"
"Noise, sir?"
"That banging noise. It seems to be coming from the rear of the shop."
"Er...probably the wind banging the door, sir – it must have blown open. If you'll excuse me a moment..."
"Of course."
He's gone. I take the opportunity to rescue my glasses from my shirt pocket and examine his handiwork. Looks normal enough, although he paused while doing one side so I look a bit lop-sided. Bored, I start studying the room.
What the-? Was that a cry of pain from the rear of the shop?
He's back.
"Sorry about that, sir. The door was indeed open."
"I heard a funny noise a moment ago – sounded like someone in pain."
"Oh, er...that was me, sir. The...door caught me by surprise."
"Must have been nasty – you've got fresh blood on your shirt. Where did you cut yourself? I can't see anything obvious."
"Er...it's nothing serious, sir. May I continue?"
"I'd rather you changed your shirt. Now I look at it closely, you must have cut yourself rather badly in several places. What kind of door is this?"
"Never mind, sir. Please let me continue – there is much to be done."
"After you change your shirt – it's far too disturbing."
"I have no shirt to change into, sir."
"No spare shirt? What's Enrico playing at? Where is he, by the way? He's always around."
"I'm afraid he had an accident, sir. An altercation with a disgruntled employee."
That's never a good sentence to hear from somebody holding a pair of scissors an inch from your neck.
"Er...what kind of accident?"
"This kind of accident."
As he stabs the scissors towards my neck, I jerk away and kick out, catching the switch on the chair and sending it slamming upwards. The chair catches him squarely under the chin and he goes down, his head cracking against a table heavily as he falls.
I stand up shakily and study him cautiously. He looks at least unconscious, possibly even dead. That was close, too close – I must be getting careless. As I look around the room, all the warning signs were there : the drawn blinds, the strange red spots all over the floor, the abusive graffiti daubed in red on one of the mirrors.
And of course, the clearest warning sign of all...
Never trust a shaven-headed barber.
I sit down on the indicated chair and study myself warily in the mirror. Yeah, I should have done this a long time ago. I look like I've been shipwrecked for six months.
"Okay, sir, here we go."
I see him start moving the scissors towards me.
"Whoa, wait a minute, you haven't even asked what I want yet!"
"My mistake, sir, I guess I'm just a bit eager."
"Are you new?"
"I have not been here long, that is true. I'm afraid I simply assumed that you would want it trimmed shorter."
"Well, you're not wrong, but you'd better ask in future".
"Indeed, sir. May I proceed?"
"Let me just put my glasses away...okay, go for it."
Ten minutes later, and my head feels a lot lighter. No more hair falling over the eyes and tickling my nose.
Then I hear a sudden banging.
"What's that noise?"
"Noise, sir?"
"That banging noise. It seems to be coming from the rear of the shop."
"Er...probably the wind banging the door, sir – it must have blown open. If you'll excuse me a moment..."
"Of course."
He's gone. I take the opportunity to rescue my glasses from my shirt pocket and examine his handiwork. Looks normal enough, although he paused while doing one side so I look a bit lop-sided. Bored, I start studying the room.
What the-? Was that a cry of pain from the rear of the shop?
He's back.
"Sorry about that, sir. The door was indeed open."
"I heard a funny noise a moment ago – sounded like someone in pain."
"Oh, er...that was me, sir. The...door caught me by surprise."
"Must have been nasty – you've got fresh blood on your shirt. Where did you cut yourself? I can't see anything obvious."
"Er...it's nothing serious, sir. May I continue?"
"I'd rather you changed your shirt. Now I look at it closely, you must have cut yourself rather badly in several places. What kind of door is this?"
"Never mind, sir. Please let me continue – there is much to be done."
"After you change your shirt – it's far too disturbing."
"I have no shirt to change into, sir."
"No spare shirt? What's Enrico playing at? Where is he, by the way? He's always around."
"I'm afraid he had an accident, sir. An altercation with a disgruntled employee."
That's never a good sentence to hear from somebody holding a pair of scissors an inch from your neck.
"Er...what kind of accident?"
"This kind of accident."
As he stabs the scissors towards my neck, I jerk away and kick out, catching the switch on the chair and sending it slamming upwards. The chair catches him squarely under the chin and he goes down, his head cracking against a table heavily as he falls.
I stand up shakily and study him cautiously. He looks at least unconscious, possibly even dead. That was close, too close – I must be getting careless. As I look around the room, all the warning signs were there : the drawn blinds, the strange red spots all over the floor, the abusive graffiti daubed in red on one of the mirrors.
And of course, the clearest warning sign of all...
Never trust a shaven-headed barber.
Viewpoint
Saturday, 29. September 2007, 21:22:03
He watched his reflection in the mirror as it finished brushing its teeth and spat into the washbasin. It seemed normal enough, despite the increasing number of grey hairs.
Unfortunately, his body was pretty sure that he was still lying in bed with his eyes closed. He could feel the pillow beneath his head and the sheets covering him. He could even reach up with his hands and touch his pyjama top, not the tie that his reflection was even now adjusting. As his view shifted from the mirror to the bathroom door, then down the stairs and out the front door, it became clear to him what was going on. His eyes were dreaming.
It was safe to say that this wasn’t how he’d been planning to start the day.
It was also safe to say that this was a little disconcerting, especially when his alarm clock went off while he appeared to be getting on the bus. He now found himself moving down the centre of the bus while his arm reached out and fumbled off the alarm.
He threw the sheets back and sat up in bed, feeling decidedly queasy. Meanwhile his eyes appeared to be reading the newspaper, and his gaze was shifting from left to right constantly. Whatever dream his eyes were having, it was pretty dull.
Then his mind did a double-take, and he started paying more attention to the article his eyes were reading. "...has returned unexpectedly from Alpha Centauri. Currently there has been no contact with the Endeavour, and early indications are that there was a collision...initially launched on the 50th anniversary of the first man in space, 3198 men, women and children were selected..."
He was just getting interested in the article when the paper was folded up and the bus stopped. A minute later and he found himself heading towards a large building that appeared to be his bank, and shortly afterwards joining a queue. Back to the dull parts, he guessed.
Then there was some sort of commotion, and he turned to see three masked men burst into the bank brandishing guns. One yelled something, and everyone got down to the floor with their hands over their heads. Everyone except him – he seemed frozen there, just staring into the eyes of the first man, who looked remarkably angry even through the mask. The would-be robber waved his gun and gestured rather forcefully towards the floor, but still he remained frozen.
Then the gun turned towards him and fired, and everything went black. His body convulsed as it tried to process the conflicting sets of information. For a few moments it felt like he was having a heart attack, then suddenly his sight was back and he could see his own room again.
He found himself collapsed on the bed, staring at the ceiling and breathing heavily. What was all that? Had he dreamed the whole thing? Had his eyes been dreaming? Or…something else? Better not take any chances...
Two hours later his over-stressed bank manager strangled him with a phone extension cord when he tried to close his account.
Unfortunately, his body was pretty sure that he was still lying in bed with his eyes closed. He could feel the pillow beneath his head and the sheets covering him. He could even reach up with his hands and touch his pyjama top, not the tie that his reflection was even now adjusting. As his view shifted from the mirror to the bathroom door, then down the stairs and out the front door, it became clear to him what was going on. His eyes were dreaming.
It was safe to say that this wasn’t how he’d been planning to start the day.
It was also safe to say that this was a little disconcerting, especially when his alarm clock went off while he appeared to be getting on the bus. He now found himself moving down the centre of the bus while his arm reached out and fumbled off the alarm.
He threw the sheets back and sat up in bed, feeling decidedly queasy. Meanwhile his eyes appeared to be reading the newspaper, and his gaze was shifting from left to right constantly. Whatever dream his eyes were having, it was pretty dull.
Then his mind did a double-take, and he started paying more attention to the article his eyes were reading. "...has returned unexpectedly from Alpha Centauri. Currently there has been no contact with the Endeavour, and early indications are that there was a collision...initially launched on the 50th anniversary of the first man in space, 3198 men, women and children were selected..."
He was just getting interested in the article when the paper was folded up and the bus stopped. A minute later and he found himself heading towards a large building that appeared to be his bank, and shortly afterwards joining a queue. Back to the dull parts, he guessed.
Then there was some sort of commotion, and he turned to see three masked men burst into the bank brandishing guns. One yelled something, and everyone got down to the floor with their hands over their heads. Everyone except him – he seemed frozen there, just staring into the eyes of the first man, who looked remarkably angry even through the mask. The would-be robber waved his gun and gestured rather forcefully towards the floor, but still he remained frozen.
Then the gun turned towards him and fired, and everything went black. His body convulsed as it tried to process the conflicting sets of information. For a few moments it felt like he was having a heart attack, then suddenly his sight was back and he could see his own room again.
He found himself collapsed on the bed, staring at the ceiling and breathing heavily. What was all that? Had he dreamed the whole thing? Had his eyes been dreaming? Or…something else? Better not take any chances...
Two hours later his over-stressed bank manager strangled him with a phone extension cord when he tried to close his account.
Change
Sunday, 23. September 2007, 01:37:06
I stand naked before them, looking down at their smug faces. It had taken months to get this far, but after one last security check this was the final hurdle.
"So, Aldernak, what makes you perfect to be the King's personal attendant?".
"I was bred for it, sir. My parents raised me with this single goal, and I've been training for it all my life".
"The same can be said of hundreds of candidates - what sets you apart?"
I need to play this right.
"My research".
"Your research?! What kind of answer is that?".
"My research...into each of you".
That they didn't like. Now it's their turn to squirm.
"Isn't it weird how the higher up the ladder you get, the darker people's secrets are? And you're both right near the top. Aren't you, Lucius and Postano?".
"What the...how did you know our names?".
"Does it matter, compared to what else I know? I bet the King would be interested in what really happened to his first wife".
"His wife died in a hunting accident".
"Of course she did. Strange how all her companions that day are now dead...".
"Well, these things hap-"
"Except ONE!"
They seem a little shocked...can't imagine why...now for the carrot.
"So...here's my suggestion. You two will right now sign all the papers and recommend me for the job as the King's attendant. After I've been accepted by the King, I'll tell you who escaped and where they are, and you can...clean up any loose ends"
They look briefly at each other, then Lucius speaks.
"We accept. We hope you enjoy a long service with the King".
Damn fool...he'll kill me as soon as he has what he wants. Not that he'll have chance to...
The completed documents now in hand, I stride past the final set of guards and into the Emperor's chambers. There he is at last, partially obscured by a huge array of electronic devices and documents.
He sees me.
"And you are?"
"Aldernak, Your Highness. I will be your new personal attendant, if you deem me acceptable".
"I see..."
He rises from his chair and walks towards me, studying me intently.
"Papers, recommendations?"
"Here, Your Highness".
He reaches for them, and I strike, moving like lightning and biting him on the hand. Before he can cry out, the poison acts and he's dead before he hits the ground.
I focus intently on the body and force the change...now there are two Kings in the chamber. I hurriedly change clothes, then incinerate the body with his concealed lasgun.
Now for the fun bit. Let's try out the voice.
"Guards! Guards!"
Some running feet and four guards appear.
"This supposed attendant just attempted to kill me! Find those two traitors, Lucius and Postano, and have them executed within the hour for letting this would-be murderer through!"
This is going to be fun...
"So, Aldernak, what makes you perfect to be the King's personal attendant?".
"I was bred for it, sir. My parents raised me with this single goal, and I've been training for it all my life".
"The same can be said of hundreds of candidates - what sets you apart?"
I need to play this right.
"My research".
"Your research?! What kind of answer is that?".
"My research...into each of you".
That they didn't like. Now it's their turn to squirm.
"Isn't it weird how the higher up the ladder you get, the darker people's secrets are? And you're both right near the top. Aren't you, Lucius and Postano?".
"What the...how did you know our names?".
"Does it matter, compared to what else I know? I bet the King would be interested in what really happened to his first wife".
"His wife died in a hunting accident".
"Of course she did. Strange how all her companions that day are now dead...".
"Well, these things hap-"
"Except ONE!"
They seem a little shocked...can't imagine why...now for the carrot.
"So...here's my suggestion. You two will right now sign all the papers and recommend me for the job as the King's attendant. After I've been accepted by the King, I'll tell you who escaped and where they are, and you can...clean up any loose ends"
They look briefly at each other, then Lucius speaks.
"We accept. We hope you enjoy a long service with the King".
Damn fool...he'll kill me as soon as he has what he wants. Not that he'll have chance to...
The completed documents now in hand, I stride past the final set of guards and into the Emperor's chambers. There he is at last, partially obscured by a huge array of electronic devices and documents.
He sees me.
"And you are?"
"Aldernak, Your Highness. I will be your new personal attendant, if you deem me acceptable".
"I see..."
He rises from his chair and walks towards me, studying me intently.
"Papers, recommendations?"
"Here, Your Highness".
He reaches for them, and I strike, moving like lightning and biting him on the hand. Before he can cry out, the poison acts and he's dead before he hits the ground.
I focus intently on the body and force the change...now there are two Kings in the chamber. I hurriedly change clothes, then incinerate the body with his concealed lasgun.
Now for the fun bit. Let's try out the voice.
"Guards! Guards!"
Some running feet and four guards appear.
"This supposed attendant just attempted to kill me! Find those two traitors, Lucius and Postano, and have them executed within the hour for letting this would-be murderer through!"
This is going to be fun...
The obligatory Hitslink post
Sunday, 16. September 2007, 22:53:25
Short and, er, sweet.
These are some of the weirder searches that have found my page :
1) 'im 14 with spots glasses and a bit fat help'
2) 'poke marts in mass'
3) 'possible to cough in your sleep'
4) 'pictures of people with hiccups'
5) 'omg M.A.R.T'
6) 'sony ericsson laundry'
7) 'email punishment'
8) 'share mik.zip' WTF? Done using Google Japan
9) 'jeremy bloody beadle'
10) 'red panties avatar'
11) 'squonk pictures' Ok, who did this one with Google UK?
12) 'what will i look like with false teeth'
13) 'The torturer began by removing her clothing'
14) 'tie me up and shave my head, please sir'
15) 'take cois'
16) 'furie transformer'
17) 'punishment server'
I also get a remarkable number of searches for statistics to do with phones, or ones about problems with SE phones.
Additional - there is a Friends Only post just before this one.
Oh, and I've put a new poll up
list edited to counter effect of new autonumber bug
These are some of the weirder searches that have found my page :
1) 'im 14 with spots glasses and a bit fat help'
2) 'poke marts in mass'
3) 'possible to cough in your sleep'
4) 'pictures of people with hiccups'
5) 'omg M.A.R.T'
6) 'sony ericsson laundry'
7) 'email punishment'
8) 'share mik.zip' WTF? Done using Google Japan
9) 'jeremy bloody beadle'
10) 'red panties avatar'
11) 'squonk pictures' Ok, who did this one with Google UK?
12) 'what will i look like with false teeth'
13) 'The torturer began by removing her clothing'
14) 'tie me up and shave my head, please sir'
15) 'take cois'
16) 'furie transformer'
17) 'punishment server'
I also get a remarkable number of searches for statistics to do with phones, or ones about problems with SE phones.
Additional - there is a Friends Only post just before this one.
Oh, and I've put a new poll up
list edited to counter effect of new autonumber bug
Squishy
Sunday, 16. September 2007, 21:53:47
It haunted him.
"Squish, squish, squish, squish"
The noise followed him wherever he went, blotting out any other sound. It drove him nuts. He was sure people were staring at him as he walked past.
"Squish, squish, squish, squish"
It had been there for three days so far, ever since the furious argument he'd had with his wife about spending too much time with his secretary. He was beginning to realise that his mum had been deadly serious about him not marrying 'that evil witch'.
"Squish, squish, squonk, squish"
What the-? Squonk? He wasn't sure he cared for 'squonk'.
"Squonk, squish, squonk, squish"
This wasn't good. He began to feel a little unsteady.
"Squonk, squish, squonk, squonk"
Oh dear. Was that the ground rushing up to meet him?
"Thud".
As he lay unconscious on the pavement, the last of the weak glue gave way and the neatly-severed heels of his shoes fell gently to the ground.
I've been trying to write the last sentence of this one for over a week, and it still doesn't feel right.
"Squish, squish, squish, squish"
The noise followed him wherever he went, blotting out any other sound. It drove him nuts. He was sure people were staring at him as he walked past.
"Squish, squish, squish, squish"
It had been there for three days so far, ever since the furious argument he'd had with his wife about spending too much time with his secretary. He was beginning to realise that his mum had been deadly serious about him not marrying 'that evil witch'.
"Squish, squish, squonk, squish"
What the-? Squonk? He wasn't sure he cared for 'squonk'.
"Squonk, squish, squonk, squish"
This wasn't good. He began to feel a little unsteady.
"Squonk, squish, squonk, squonk"
Oh dear. Was that the ground rushing up to meet him?
"Thud".
As he lay unconscious on the pavement, the last of the weak glue gave way and the neatly-severed heels of his shoes fell gently to the ground.
I've been trying to write the last sentence of this one for over a week, and it still doesn't feel right
.
Power
Saturday, 1. September 2007, 13:48:39
"Come on...come on...careful...left a bit...just a slight nudge to the - oh, you stupid bastard!", exclaimed Barry as the on-screen character tumbled off the rope and fell to his death. This had been going on nearly an hour now, and each attempt met with less success than the one before.
He took another sip of Heineken and squinted at the screen. Was it his imagination, or was the avatar acquiring a rather hangdog look? Probably just the booze...anyway, time for another attempt.
He pressed Start and waited for the character to respawn at the save point, then made him run down the hill to the rope. After carefully lining up the rope in the centre of the screen, he pressed forwards.
Nothing happened.
He pressed again - still nothing. As he peered at the controller to check the batteries were still in, he was interrupted by a voice shouting at him.
"I've had enough, do you hear me? Enough!".
It was coming from the TV. He couldn't believe it - the avatar was shouting at him.
"Do you know how many times you've made me fall off that damn rope? Fifty-three times. Fifty-three! Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, you're too ham-fisted to do this? Or that, just possibly, there might be another way into the castle? Here's an idea - how about the grappling hook and rope you found earlier! Or, and this is a truly novel idea, THE KEY TO THE SIDE DOOR!".
The character was definitely annoyed. Had Barry found some kind of Easter Egg? It wasn't one he cared for. Wait, what was it doing? What was that it had pulled out of its backpack? It looked like a game controller.
Suddenly Barry found himself standing up and unable to move.
"My turn now, Barry. Now what shall we do first...have you ever played mumbleypeg? No? I've got a few others I'm sure you'll appreciate. Feel free to scream".
Six hours later a power cut let Barry finally rest, battered and bloody from head to toe. Of course, he'd already been dead for three hours...
For those who don't know it : mumbleypeg
Additional : this was inspired by a couple of comments by Mik and Cois on Red's blog
He took another sip of Heineken and squinted at the screen. Was it his imagination, or was the avatar acquiring a rather hangdog look? Probably just the booze...anyway, time for another attempt.
He pressed Start and waited for the character to respawn at the save point, then made him run down the hill to the rope. After carefully lining up the rope in the centre of the screen, he pressed forwards.
Nothing happened.
He pressed again - still nothing. As he peered at the controller to check the batteries were still in, he was interrupted by a voice shouting at him.
"I've had enough, do you hear me? Enough!".
It was coming from the TV. He couldn't believe it - the avatar was shouting at him.
"Do you know how many times you've made me fall off that damn rope? Fifty-three times. Fifty-three! Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, you're too ham-fisted to do this? Or that, just possibly, there might be another way into the castle? Here's an idea - how about the grappling hook and rope you found earlier! Or, and this is a truly novel idea, THE KEY TO THE SIDE DOOR!".
The character was definitely annoyed. Had Barry found some kind of Easter Egg? It wasn't one he cared for. Wait, what was it doing? What was that it had pulled out of its backpack? It looked like a game controller.
Suddenly Barry found himself standing up and unable to move.
"My turn now, Barry. Now what shall we do first...have you ever played mumbleypeg? No? I've got a few others I'm sure you'll appreciate. Feel free to scream".
Six hours later a power cut let Barry finally rest, battered and bloody from head to toe. Of course, he'd already been dead for three hours...
For those who don't know it : mumbleypeg
Additional : this was inspired by a couple of comments by Mik and Cois on Red's blog
Beta 2 Test
Thursday, 30. August 2007, 15:56:44
I would have done this over an hour ago but obviously the forums were down.
Anyway, it works well so far. I hope the cookies are fixed.
Anyway, it works well
so far. I hope the cookies are fixed.Trapped!
Sunday, 26. August 2007, 23:32:04
Trapped!
Trapped in a room with three strangers.
The surroundings : one door, no windows, yellowing wallpaper, sticky carpet.
The furniture : two rocking chairs, one small table and a mantelpiece.
The door : locked.
On the table : a gun and a note.
In the gun : three bullets.
Written on the note : "You must shoot dead two of your fellow prisoners. If you shoot the right two, the third one will then show you the way out."
A thought : "What the hell!"
His actions : a furtive glance at the others, a pocketing of the gun.
A thought : "Have any of them read this?"
In the room : four suspicious minds, four guns.
One purpose : escape!
Their actions : guns are drawn, shots are fired.
The outcome : two fall dead.
Then : two stand there, glaring.
They speak, they question, they demand.
Voices are raised, accusations fly.
They fire.
They die.
I thought I'd try a completely different style, probably as a one-off. I know it’s a bit weird.
Trapped in a room with three strangers.
The surroundings : one door, no windows, yellowing wallpaper, sticky carpet.
The furniture : two rocking chairs, one small table and a mantelpiece.
The door : locked.
On the table : a gun and a note.
In the gun : three bullets.
Written on the note : "You must shoot dead two of your fellow prisoners. If you shoot the right two, the third one will then show you the way out."
A thought : "What the hell!"
His actions : a furtive glance at the others, a pocketing of the gun.
A thought : "Have any of them read this?"
In the room : four suspicious minds, four guns.
One purpose : escape!
Their actions : guns are drawn, shots are fired.
The outcome : two fall dead.
Then : two stand there, glaring.
They speak, they question, they demand.
Voices are raised, accusations fly.
They fire.
They die.
I thought I'd try a completely different style, probably as a one-off. I know it’s a bit weird.
Showing posts 46 - 60 of 103.
Shoutbox
Jon Silas
2009-12-04 12:57:05Hi, got ideas on how to block a guest from posting comments in my shoutbox. Man he has become a pain.
Latest comments
Poll
You wake up, and there's a traffic cone in bed with you. This is because :
- I'm a student - it's what we do
(0%)
- The Stop sign was too hard to move (21%)
- Quit judging me!
(32%)
- It would look silly in the fridge (21%)
- I'm more worried about what happened to the other one (25%)
Total: 28 votes
| S | M | T | W | T | F | S |
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Latest blog posts
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Random Mix
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Indigo Puzzles - Hitori :)
Daily japanese-style puzzles, including Hitori! (and Sudoku I suppose)
-
Amazon UK
Source of a thousand parcels
-
Ebay UK
Source of another thousand parcels
-
The Heinlein Society
Preserving the legacy of the 20th century's greatest writer, Robert Heinlein (although Asimov runs him close)
-
Almdudler
Almdudler, the world's nicest fizzy drink
-
Hitori (emergency backup)
Indigo is better, but site has uptime issues
Me Me Me!
-
My Six Peeves About Me
Tagged by Funz, and ordered to list my six pet peeves about me
-
INTJ Profile - mostly me
What Myers-Briggs says I am
- A little questionnaire
My 'Best of' (according to me)
-
Rain...
Daggers drawn in the dead of night...
-
Rude
A workday tale with a bit of bite...
-
Tasty...
Sophie goes into retail...
-
Menu
Today's event, tomorrow's diplomatic incident
-
Rebel
A pair of cops meet their nemesis...
-
Power
Avatars have feelings too...
-
Bang!
Just a little bit to the left...
-
Bathtub
It's all in the script...
-
The Great Quest
A sweet innocent story about a rabbit
-
Aaargh!
Something bugging...
-
Post-Modern
He really wants his parcel...
-
Abort
It all seemed safe at first...
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