Writer's Block

What's it like being a recurring character?
Well, i don't really feel that the character itself recurs. I mean, i've been a struggling P.I., a demonic lord, a hapless boyfriend, a trapped tomb raider...not much common ground. I mean, i like varied roles but sometimes it gets a bit much, you know.

Do you really do your own stunts?
Almost always, unless there's a gun involved. We lost two stunt doubles doing Bang! before we got the shot to look right.

If you could be any of your characters, which would it be?
I'm rather fond of roles that put me in a position of power, especially Dread Lord Aldernak. The ability to have an underling killed at the merest whim...bliss. Sadly the worst i can do is sack my gardener.

There's been lots of press gossip about you and Sophie - what's the real story?
Depends on the script, surely? Sometimes it's all about love and peace, other times her appetites get the better of her...er, no comment.

What's your worst fear?
Er...this might sound a bit silly, but being replaced. Fortunately my ability to fit into most roles should mean my creator is less likely to get bored of me. It's important not to get typecast.

Can you tell us anything about your next project?
Only that it's a spoof of an old kids' tv show. I'm not revealing any more - that's what got Sideways Sam bumped off so quick.

Any final words for us?
Final? Hey, i'll be back here and you know it.

I strain to open my eyes, and find a angry-looking young woman glaring down on me. Unfortunately i'm still too drained to do more than utter a faint moan, which isn't well-received.
"Look around you! I saw the flash from two miles away, and now here's you sitting pretty at the centre of a huge, dead patch on my family's land! Nothing to say? Well, either you can't speak or won't speak. Doesn't matter which it is - my dad's going to want to see you."
She gestures to someone out of sight, and next thing i know my arms are roughly seized and i'm thrown face down onto the back of a wagon. My arms and legs are chained a moment later, and my tail awkwardly tethered to my back. Something sits on my backside, pressing me further into the wooden surface. I hear the woman's voice call out "Move!", and off we go...somewhere.

Hours pass, long and painful ones with my face bearing the brunt of every bump we encounter. Then finally i hear voices, and soon i can tell we're moving through a crowd of people.

"What is that thing?"
"Is that the Beast?"
"Look at that tail!"
"'tis sent from the Devil himself for sure."
"Kill it!"

Something splatters against my shoulder, and a brief barrage ensues. Then the cart begins to rock slightly.

"Get back, scum! Back to your sewers!"

The weight on my back lifts a bit and i hear gunfire. Never heard it before except in old movies - wish it wasn't so close. I think briefly of escape, but it doesn't seem wise right now.
The people flee in panic quickly, and i hear the woman giving orders. There's suddenly a voice close to my head - a man's.

"I saw you tense up back there. There's no escape for you, not yet. You really don't want to find yourself away from us - the townspeople - ", he paused to spit, " - will burn you alive in an instant. With us...we'll think about it a little first."

Hard to tell if he's being friendly or not - almost toneless speech. Plus my head's still jammed against the cart. I try and mumble something through my bruises.

"Whermph?"

He kicks me hard in the ribs - something breaks, and it's not me.

He howls.

"What the hell are you made of?! Dammit, i'll sort you!"

A pistol cocks by my ear.

"Good riddance!"

A shot is fired, and suddenly a body falls on me.

"Good riddance indeed. Damn parasite."

The woman again. I feel her plant her foot on the corpse's back.

"I'm in charge here. YOU ALL HEAR ME?!"

Nervous grunts.

"Good! On we go."

The cart lurches on into the unknown...

The owner of the teeth enters the cave a moment later, and i...recognize them. It's one of the vagrants they...we...experimented on, one of the few that survived the earliest tests - now turned got something monstrous. More memories explode into my mind, and reluctantly i push them back...for now. Better to deal with the threat first - he looks mad, in every sense of the word. I strain for one particular memory, and find it.
"Pete!"
He stops his slow advance, and looks at me quizzically. The huge mis-shapen jaw opens a little, and something struggles out.
"Pe-te? I-i-i'm Pete. Who you?"
As his only memory of me would have been when i helped strap him to the operating table, it's perhaps best not to answer truthfully.
"The name's Bobby - but you won't remember me. I saw them take you, before you were like this. They got me too, later."
He's still looking at me suspiciously. Suddenly he gives a loud sniff, and glares at me.
"You smell of THEM."
Them? That's not a good thing to smell of when trapped in a cave with a madman.
"Them? Er..."
"All guns and smoke and blood and rage...another one sent to find me. Another one sent to die."
This really isn't going right, and...is he salivating? Time to get out of here, somehow.
I back into the cave a little way, and pick up a large bone. He laughs and leaps towards me, arms outstretched. Taking advantage of my small size, i dive under his legs and jab upwards with the bone. He howls, and i run hurriedly out of the cave as he collapses. Not for long...i hear his feet pounding behind me, gaining ground by the second. I look back and he's only a dozen feet away. There's a cliff nearby...maybe i can trick him...if i can reach it. Just a little further...
And there it is. I run full pelt towards the edge, him close behind, then suddenly slam on the brakes and duck down. He falls over me, and the momentum carries him over the edge screaming.
Sadly the impact takes me over too. It's a long way down...far too much time to think.

The snarling's getting louder - sounds like it's coming back here. Quickly, i hide myself behind a row of boxes and keep still.
There's a scrabbling at the side of the truck, then a heavy thud as something lands inside. Silence reigns for a moment, then there's a bellow of rage. Next thing i know, the bearded man's head goes flying over my head and hits the wall with a sickening crunch. As my eyes inadvertently track its landing, i hear a growl. I wrench my eyes to the left, and see a blood-covered version of myself looking down on me. I barely have time to catch my breath before it attacks. A fist comes flying at me, and i instinctively raise my arm.
There's an almighty clang, and next thing i know i'm covering my ears with my hands. A few feet away, i see my assailant trying to do the same while nursing a badly-broken hand. I look at the dented plate on my left arm, then back. Its eyes stare at me, filled with hate and pain. Something stirs within me, and i leap towards my protagonist. My spiked tail lashes out, crushing its face beyond recognition, then the mist descends on me again and i remember no more...

I come to on a small hill. A few hundred yards away i can see the plane and truck, with a few faint figures moving around. A short distance away, a new truck lies idle. Suddenly there's a bang, and the first truck explodes in a giant ball of flame. The light illuminates the area briefly, silhouetting me against the hill. I hear a yell, and spot a group of men only fifty feet away pointing at me. One of them yammers into a mouthpiece, while the others drop down and point their guns at me. Reflex takes over, and a moment too late their bullets spatter where i stood.
I find myself running down the other side of the hill at a terrifying rate, and a minute later bounding out into the countryside, as far from the men as i can get.
It feels like i run for hours, all the while the sun slowly moving overhead. As it finally begins to set, i look for somewhere to rest. Curling up in a rather small cave behind a large bush, i settle uneasily to sleep, alert for the smallest noise of pursuit.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring...

There's an awkward silence for a moment. Then things blur for a while. Another face appears from nowhere, looking into mine. I try and yell, but no sound comes. I see them turn to each other and confer quietly, then the first reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wicked-looking blade.
He reaches towards me with it, and suddenly there's a sharp pain somewhere out of sight below. Is it to end like this? There's a brief moment of incredible rage, then pain takes over. As i drift into unconsciousness, i hear screaming. I think it must be me.

Awake! I'm still alive? The fog clears from my eyes, and i look into horror. There's...blood everywhere i look. A few feet away, the bearded man's head stares intently at me. No sign of the body, unless you count the trail of blood leading up the wall and out. I try to ignore the large clawed bloody footprint only two feet away, with limited success.
I squirm involuntarily, and realise an instant later that i'm no longer immobilised from the waist up. I strain and burst free of my prison at last. Smashed wood flies everywhere - i'm stronger than i expected.
I climb carefully out of the truck, eyes and ears alert for the tiniest hint of anything nearby. There's almost no sound. As i stand on top of the truck, taking in my new-found liberty, only two things catch my eye. The first is a rusty-looking plane nearby, cargo hold wide open and bloody footprints leading in and out.
The second is a giant blue sun overhead...

Where am i? It's so dark in here, so quiet. All i can sense is some sort of movement beneath my feet, occasionally pressing me against the walls of whatever confines me. I can't move my arms, legs or head at all. And i can't even feel my tail - do i have one? I can't remember - indeed, i don't seem to remember anything. Just a name, 'Karlsson', and associated feelings of pain and rage. Who - or what - is Karlsson? No way of finding out right now, not unless my memory returns. And what good would it do me anyway, encased in this dark prison? Little to do now other than wait, and hope for release before i starve to death. At least suffocating doesn't seem to be an issue...wait! I'm not breathing?! Shouldn't i need to breathe?! What am I?!