2005 in Review: Jeffrey the Projectionist
Sunday, 18. December 2005, 20:16:16
The 2005 Pioneer Pio-Year-in-Review
by Jeffrey the Projectionist
Let me start by saying that this is actually just a Half-Year-in-Review because I started working at the Pioneer Theater in June so I don’t know NOTHIN’ about any of the movies that played here before that so don’t even call me up on the phone, layin’ down nasty words about how I totally forgot that movie from March. I wasn’t working here so just deal with it. Also, this isn’t too comprehensive or anything. Check out the other wrap-ups if you want something serious.
And now, for a top ten (with a bonus honorable mention) countdown-style rundown of the films that I deem the Pioneer’s “Most Memorable” in 2K5…
HONORABLE MENTION: THE TINGLER – Vincent Price is such a weirdo. But whatever, so are you when you’re all alone in your home and no one is watching. Let the man just do his thing. He’s not knocking down your door when you smell your girlfriend’s underpants so why don’t you just be happy for him. That said, THE TINGLER is fun, but it’s kind of a stupid horror movie. It’s just not very scary. I mean, the damn Tingler moves slower than molasses. I would just step on that bitch.
10. “Gary Ray on Q2 (QVC)” – This was part of The Gary Ray Show, which was cool, but the best part of it was the four-minute section of clips from when Gary was a host on Q2 which is sort of like what MTV2 is to MTV but with home shopping. These clips feature Gary just hamming it up on live TV. It was great. He was all singing and dancing and doing that yuk-yuk haw-haw stupid home shopping shit. I loved it. What is up with home shopping networks these days anyway? Don’t they know about the Internet? I don’t need to watch TV to buy anything. DUH. LONG LIVE THE INTERNET.
9. UNDERCOVER MAN – This movie is good because have you ever thought to yourself, “Oh, wait, women are never portrayed as strong, independent people in cinema. Except like ERIN BROCKOVICH or G.I. JANE or whatever, but those are SO OLD.” Yeah, me too. Well, UNDERCOVER MAN is all about one strong woman who just beats people up and is smarmy and bitchy and everything, and she’ll just two-time and blackmail everyone. And what, might you be wondering, is her name? WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BUT DIANA LACHARM.
8. COWARDS BEND THE KNEE – This silent film is funnier than ANYTHING from the silent era. You hear that, Murnau? Griffith, you racist bastard? You guys aren’t funny. Oh wait, I forgot about Chaplin and some other guys. Whatever. That’s a different kind of funny. That’s like flowerpot drops on a man’s head funny. COWARDS is different. Don’t hassle me. Oh yeah, and COWARDS BEND THE KNEE is visually stunning. Maddin is a creative visionary with a new approach to an old aesthetic. Dude, fuck the way movie critics write. YOU HEAR THAT, SIEGEL? EBERT, YOU RACIST BASTARD? JK y’all. TTYL.
7. EVIL OF DRACULA – This is a two-minute freakout movie that I really liked. It’s a real freakout, too. I think this needs to be a new genre. TWO-MINUTE FREAKOUT. More people need to make movies like this one by Martha Colburn. Martha, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I really liked your movie, and if you want to be friends, we can be friends. Okay.
6. VAMPYRES – This movie is sort of annoying because one of the lesbian vampires is hot, like REALLY hot, and the other one is sort of busted (bad face, extra pounds) but pretends she’s hot. But you know what? That’s real. That’s real life, okay, MAN? I’m sorry if it doesn’t fit in with your macho dick Penthouse fantasy, but I totally buy their lesbian relationship. This movie doesn’t make a big deal out of them being lesbos. They just are, okay? Whatever, you’re too close-minded to get it. They love each other. And they kill some guys who get d-d-drunk and are all, “Oh yes, I’m going to get some mega-action.” Yeah right, buddy. They don’t want your stick. They’re just faking. Also, have you heard the joke about the lesbian vampires? The punch line is something about once-a-month something. I don’t know. Go get a joke book.
5. CHAOS – Look, we’re pretty far behind Japan when it comes to weird gross-out rape/violence in our culture. Everyone’s freaking out because dude cuts off a girl’s nipple and feeds it to her and sodomizes another girl with a knife in this movie, but the Japanese people are sitting back and laughing like, “Yawn. Bo-ring. We’re not impressed. Maybe that would be okay if he was her dad and he vomits on her while he kills and rapes her.” I guess we’ll never be too progressive as long as that asshole Bush is in office. NOT MY PRESIDENT. WHOSE STREETS? OUR STREETS! Oh, and Sylvester Stallone’s public toilet of a son is in this movie as a chubby weasel drug guy. That’s sort of reason enough to see it.
4. RE-ANIMATOR – Get ready for the end of this movie when it gets really gross, but in a silly way like when a cute kid eats his food all messy, and you’re like “Aw shit that’s gross,” but then you realize you don’t have to clean it up so then you start laughing and telling the kid to keep it up. BONUS: We also played RE-PENETRATOR which is the porno version of this made by Burning Angel. It’s like hardcore porno, too. You see EVERYTHING.
3. PULSE – THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH GOOD MOVIES THAT ARE ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES AND THE INTERNET AND WHATEVER THE HELL THIS WEIRD MOVIE IS ABOUT.
2. DEEP THROAT – Man, I’ll tell you what. What if all you had left in life was this movie, some early Black Sabbath albums, some jeans or whatever, and infinity pizza. What else would you need? And I mean, be really honest with yourself. Like look deep within your soul. I’m just talking about basic needs here. You know?
1. A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER – Don’t even kid yourself into starting to think about thinking that this isn’t the best, most important film made in the last fifty years. You can sit around and talk all your bullshit like you know movies, but get the hell out of town if you haven’t seen A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER. I mean seriously, this movie has fucking spirals in it. And there’s this one guy’s face at the end of the movie that is the funniest thing in the whole world.
Okay, that’s it. I hope you found this helpful or informative. If you didn’t, sorry! It’s not my fault! It’s yours! Come see a movie, and come see it at the Pioneer.
by Jeffrey the Projectionist
Let me start by saying that this is actually just a Half-Year-in-Review because I started working at the Pioneer Theater in June so I don’t know NOTHIN’ about any of the movies that played here before that so don’t even call me up on the phone, layin’ down nasty words about how I totally forgot that movie from March. I wasn’t working here so just deal with it. Also, this isn’t too comprehensive or anything. Check out the other wrap-ups if you want something serious.
And now, for a top ten (with a bonus honorable mention) countdown-style rundown of the films that I deem the Pioneer’s “Most Memorable” in 2K5…
HONORABLE MENTION: THE TINGLER – Vincent Price is such a weirdo. But whatever, so are you when you’re all alone in your home and no one is watching. Let the man just do his thing. He’s not knocking down your door when you smell your girlfriend’s underpants so why don’t you just be happy for him. That said, THE TINGLER is fun, but it’s kind of a stupid horror movie. It’s just not very scary. I mean, the damn Tingler moves slower than molasses. I would just step on that bitch.
10. “Gary Ray on Q2 (QVC)” – This was part of The Gary Ray Show, which was cool, but the best part of it was the four-minute section of clips from when Gary was a host on Q2 which is sort of like what MTV2 is to MTV but with home shopping. These clips feature Gary just hamming it up on live TV. It was great. He was all singing and dancing and doing that yuk-yuk haw-haw stupid home shopping shit. I loved it. What is up with home shopping networks these days anyway? Don’t they know about the Internet? I don’t need to watch TV to buy anything. DUH. LONG LIVE THE INTERNET.
9. UNDERCOVER MAN – This movie is good because have you ever thought to yourself, “Oh, wait, women are never portrayed as strong, independent people in cinema. Except like ERIN BROCKOVICH or G.I. JANE or whatever, but those are SO OLD.” Yeah, me too. Well, UNDERCOVER MAN is all about one strong woman who just beats people up and is smarmy and bitchy and everything, and she’ll just two-time and blackmail everyone. And what, might you be wondering, is her name? WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BUT DIANA LACHARM.
8. COWARDS BEND THE KNEE – This silent film is funnier than ANYTHING from the silent era. You hear that, Murnau? Griffith, you racist bastard? You guys aren’t funny. Oh wait, I forgot about Chaplin and some other guys. Whatever. That’s a different kind of funny. That’s like flowerpot drops on a man’s head funny. COWARDS is different. Don’t hassle me. Oh yeah, and COWARDS BEND THE KNEE is visually stunning. Maddin is a creative visionary with a new approach to an old aesthetic. Dude, fuck the way movie critics write. YOU HEAR THAT, SIEGEL? EBERT, YOU RACIST BASTARD? JK y’all. TTYL.
7. EVIL OF DRACULA – This is a two-minute freakout movie that I really liked. It’s a real freakout, too. I think this needs to be a new genre. TWO-MINUTE FREAKOUT. More people need to make movies like this one by Martha Colburn. Martha, if you are reading this, I want you to know that I really liked your movie, and if you want to be friends, we can be friends. Okay.
6. VAMPYRES – This movie is sort of annoying because one of the lesbian vampires is hot, like REALLY hot, and the other one is sort of busted (bad face, extra pounds) but pretends she’s hot. But you know what? That’s real. That’s real life, okay, MAN? I’m sorry if it doesn’t fit in with your macho dick Penthouse fantasy, but I totally buy their lesbian relationship. This movie doesn’t make a big deal out of them being lesbos. They just are, okay? Whatever, you’re too close-minded to get it. They love each other. And they kill some guys who get d-d-drunk and are all, “Oh yes, I’m going to get some mega-action.” Yeah right, buddy. They don’t want your stick. They’re just faking. Also, have you heard the joke about the lesbian vampires? The punch line is something about once-a-month something. I don’t know. Go get a joke book.
5. CHAOS – Look, we’re pretty far behind Japan when it comes to weird gross-out rape/violence in our culture. Everyone’s freaking out because dude cuts off a girl’s nipple and feeds it to her and sodomizes another girl with a knife in this movie, but the Japanese people are sitting back and laughing like, “Yawn. Bo-ring. We’re not impressed. Maybe that would be okay if he was her dad and he vomits on her while he kills and rapes her.” I guess we’ll never be too progressive as long as that asshole Bush is in office. NOT MY PRESIDENT. WHOSE STREETS? OUR STREETS! Oh, and Sylvester Stallone’s public toilet of a son is in this movie as a chubby weasel drug guy. That’s sort of reason enough to see it.
4. RE-ANIMATOR – Get ready for the end of this movie when it gets really gross, but in a silly way like when a cute kid eats his food all messy, and you’re like “Aw shit that’s gross,” but then you realize you don’t have to clean it up so then you start laughing and telling the kid to keep it up. BONUS: We also played RE-PENETRATOR which is the porno version of this made by Burning Angel. It’s like hardcore porno, too. You see EVERYTHING.
3. PULSE – THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH GOOD MOVIES THAT ARE ABOUT COMPUTER VIRUSES AND THE INTERNET AND WHATEVER THE HELL THIS WEIRD MOVIE IS ABOUT.
2. DEEP THROAT – Man, I’ll tell you what. What if all you had left in life was this movie, some early Black Sabbath albums, some jeans or whatever, and infinity pizza. What else would you need? And I mean, be really honest with yourself. Like look deep within your soul. I’m just talking about basic needs here. You know?
1. A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER – Don’t even kid yourself into starting to think about thinking that this isn’t the best, most important film made in the last fifty years. You can sit around and talk all your bullshit like you know movies, but get the hell out of town if you haven’t seen A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER. I mean seriously, this movie has fucking spirals in it. And there’s this one guy’s face at the end of the movie that is the funniest thing in the whole world.
Okay, that’s it. I hope you found this helpful or informative. If you didn’t, sorry! It’s not my fault! It’s yours! Come see a movie, and come see it at the Pioneer.
WIDGETIZE