Who knows what will happen in the future!!!

It's long time I've forgotten my blog and I am not the person who can open my feeling easily. But this guy has changed me more or less I don't know this is good or not! I don't wanna tell or I can say I am embarrassing to tell anybody my story or what I am feeling right now. Just wanna throw it out then hopefully I can forget him easier.

He was one of the foreigners who was doing volunteer in Vietnam. I am the main coordinator of him and his project. Honestly, for the first side, I hadn't have any feeling for him, just like a normal person as the others and from my side, I don't like A (his nationality). After a while, I realized he is really interesting person and have a humor that I believe now why all people who have met and get to know him love him. But til that time, I had no feeling for him. However, I felt that he had some feeling to me during his stay in Vietnam. We talked, discussed and teased each other a lot. We gave the others nicknames and made fun with that. Even had arguments but it was just for fun. I love all the conversation we have had so far.

In July, I had a chance to go to India and was so surprised that he also went there for traveling and doing volunteer as well. The feeling when you go abroad where no friends and you, suddenly, have a friend that you love to talk to is so great. I can't describe my feeling at that time but I was waiting for meeting up with him every day right after I landed off there. Because of me, he traveled to the places that I had to stay (I couldn't decide where I wanna go or stay almost of the time there) We just met twice even it's quite hard for him and I to arrange a day and place. There's no word to picture my feeling when I saw him coming to me and waiting for me under the rain. It was unspeakable!!!! At that time I still didn't know that I like him. I just didn't wanna the time go by and just wanna he stay with me longer as he can. I wanted to tell him that don't leave but I could't. Look at his face make me sad cuz I know that was our last time seeing each other. I couldn't concentrate into my work 2 days after and was thinking about him all the time after the last day.


The last day of mine in India, I couldn't sleep. We still keep in touch on facebook until now. At that day, his care made me really wanna tell him my feeling about him and I was really scared to tell him and then our relationship will change worse. I do not want this happen, ever! But I did tell him via facebook msg. After that, I was scared to open my facebook for a while even when I get back to Vietnam to see his reply. As I expected, his reply made me so sad cuz I know we will never have any future even he tried to tell me and I am trying to believe him that "who knows in the future what will happen!!" I was trying to escape from that situation but the more I try the worse feeling it brings to me. I don't wanna lose a friend like him even I know from now on our friendship will never be the same before. He's a great guy I've ever met and that is my honor to know, meet and talk to him. Why could I be so silly to ruin that? Finally, I responded him and just lied him that it was my mistake. I was so mean to say those words and I believe that he knew I was lying him cuz he knows and understand me but also still believe that would hurt him more or less. However, thanks for that we are still have good friendship until now even it makes me happy all the time we chat or even it makes me doubt of his feeling for me all the time and that hurts me a lot. I don't wanna question him, don't wanna doubt him but it still appears in my whole brain all the time. That's just because I am missing him so much!

Every small action of him has made me love him more. Because he respects all the things that I gave him, all the words that I told him. He remembers even small detail that I couldn't remember and he understands me better than myself. May be he doesn't know that how much I care about him but those small things makes me happy. Thanks for him that let me know how the love is and all the emotions that I can have when I love someone. Thanks for him that taught me how to say Please, Sorry and Thanks!

But... now I have to say: I am so sorry that I don't care about the future you said anymore. I will let it happen as it may have to. Whatever it happens, I will be willing to receive it and never blame on any one, especially You!! I am so tired to stalk you everytime, tired to question you and doubt you. I am so sorry for that but I am so tired to think of you all the time. Sorry that I give up my love but I know we will never have any future. I will say nothing but wish you all the best and will be happy with the one who you love and loves you more than me!!!

Now I can say I love you, but sorry, goodbye my Love!!!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front
of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone
on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.

"And whose clock is that one?"
St Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told
only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a
ceiling fan."

Sometime, someone makes me disappoint.
Sometime, something does not happen as I expect.
Sometime, somewhere makes me sad.
Sometime, I don't realize that I am growing up.
Sometime, I want to be a giant
...But sometime,...

It's hard to accept that the man are so terrible. Everyone is afraid of the ones beside, parents, brothers, sisters, or friends. Haiz! So sad! So tired! What is the life for? what is a promision for?
What is a relationship for?.... I don't know what I try my best in everything for. Are they my goals? Some time I feel so empty and lonely, so I often look for a shouder that I can lay and cry but there is anything. Sometime I jealous to happy and lovely couples, but it makes me painful more. That's why I try, try and try to get somthing that make me laugh and laugh only. However, laughing is not enough to make me happy. It helps me realize that I'm no longer the one before, no longer laughing cheerily, thinking opstimisticaly, and behaving impartially... Could I play My time back?