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who would wanna know me?

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informal journal

Thursday, 26. June 2008, 01:39:27





I want my life back or my death. I can't stay in this fucking line in between. What a hell! I won't lye down and wait for dear death. I'm gonna get it by myself. Beeing a vegetable sucks! Well, I got sick in New Zealand and several times after that too. But I never gave up on anything or ran away from the consequences of my acts.

I am a responsable person, nobody recognizes it cuz they just don't know. The pain is mine and I always fought to get out of the victim position; I stood up for my acts even when I didn't have a clue to get close to understand them.

My suffering was never in first place for me, dignity was. When I'm able to think properly, I naturally choose what I feel it's the right thing to do, not more for me than for others. After New Zealand, I just never lived for myself anymore, everything I did or tried to do was to find a way to make it up for my familly. I put my entire soul on this.

Yes, I failed, I fell down so many times I can't explain what really happennd, just don't know. No person ever knew what I passed through to do what I did, like in college, Vestiba, tennis, tae kwon do, french, get out of drugs, hang on all those sheet concours, swim and surf as well. None of these was easy as it may seems.

When people thanks God for it, oh, I feel like screaming that the effort was mine; but when I fail then they feel sorry for me cause I'm a poor retarded, mental disturbed person who spiritually they think all of these is related to sins and punishement.

For sure I don't need to say I don't agree with it, however when did they give me a chance to have my own opinion about it? It sounds awkward, I know, but if life for me has to be like a war, I'm out of it. Just doen't worth...

The Task of Thinking "at the beginning of art"Virtual world x Real world

Comments

daxonmacs 26. June 2008, 04:21

Not sure what you're going through, but you haven't failed as far as I am concerned. At times life is like a war, fighting for the right to be yourself, with your own ideas, and the right to make your own mistakes, the right to search for or to walk your own path.
You haven't failed, untill you sell out.
I didn't read you're doing that. Hang in through the tough times too, and allow yourself to enjoy the good times.
Surely that shouldn't be forgotten either, nor the fact that they're bound to come around.

Tania Montandon 11. July 2008, 00:26

oh, thanks very much! you did cheer me up :D

daxonmacs 11. July 2008, 04:02

You're welcome :D

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