Thursday, June 26, 2008 1:39:27 AM
I want my life back or my death. I can't stay in this fucking line in between. What a hell! I won't lye down and wait for dear death. I'm gonna get it by myself. Beeing a vegetable sucks! Well, I got sick in New Zealand and several times after that too. But I never gave up on anything or ran away from the consequences of my acts.
I am a responsable person, nobody recognizes it cuz they just don't know. The pain is mine and I always fought to get out of the victim position; I stood up for my acts even when I didn't have a clue to get close to understand them.
My suffering was never in first place for me, dignity was. When I'm able to think properly, I naturally choose what I feel it's the right thing to do, not more for me than for others. After New Zealand, I just never lived for myself anymore, everything I did or tried to do was to find a way to make it up for my familly. I put my entire soul on this.
Yes, I failed, I fell down so many times I can't explain what really happennd, just don't know. No person ever knew what I passed through to do what I did, like in college, Vestiba, tennis, tae kwon do, french, get out of drugs, hang on all those sheet concours, swim and surf as well. None of these was easy as it may seems.
When people thanks God for it, oh, I feel like screaming that the effort was mine; but when I fail then they feel sorry for me cause I'm a poor retarded, mental disturbed person who spiritually they think all of these is related to sins and punishement.
For sure I don't need to say I don't agree with it, however when did they give me a chance to have my own opinion about it? It sounds awkward, I know, but if life for me has to be like a war, I'm out of it. Just doen't worth...