Saturday, May 19, 2007 5:35:05 PM
asperger's syndrome
I was always different. But I didn’t know there was a diagnosis for it. It’s called Asperger syndrome (AS) or high-functioning autism (HFA). They are types of autism spectrum disorders. Autism spectrum disorders range from classical autism to milder forms like high-functioning autism and Asperger syndrome.
The difference between Asperger syndrome and high-functioning autism is that individuals with Asperger syndrome don't have a language delay. In autism, single words aren't acquired before two years of age. My mother says that the first words in my case were acquired at one and a half years of age (depending on what she considered as words), while I started to speak fluently only around three years of age. I also started to walk much later than other children, at two years of age. Children with AS usually have a history of developmental delays in motor skills.
Wikipedia says: 'AS individuals lack the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts and feelings of others. They are unable to interpret or understand the desires or intentions of others and therefore it is difficult to predict what to expect of others or what others may expect of them. This often leads to social awkwardness and inappropriate behavior.'
When I have first read the description of AS, I felt relieved yet also frightened, that I was actually reading my life story. Although, considering this language delay, I may have HFA, since language delays are prohibiting a diagnosis of AS as defined by the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). I am somehow on the boundary and moreover there is some consensus in the scientific community that the absence of language delay criterion for AS should be eliminated. Anyway, to answer this question I need to pursue the official diagnosis and I will.
So far I took all three most common tests available online and in all of them I came out as ‘very likely to be an aspie’. The most important thing for me to believe that I am one of them is the fact that all of my differences from neurological typical (NT) people suddenly started to make sense. Suddenly there was an explanation for all of it.
As a child I was a difficult case for my parents. If I was their first, I guess they would not think of having any other one. I used to cry all the time and was always problematic in company of other children. While being alone I was very calm. I could spend hours playing with a belt wringing it in and out. Repetitive behavior profiles in AS and HFA.
I never liked games and sports where I had to play with more people. I like sports where I can rely only on myself. Although, I never really excelled in any. I like to do bicycle touring, where I can be alone in middle of nowhere. I like swimming, where I put on glasses and head into water and close like that from the outside world. Swimming was one of my last obsessions. Aspies have often narrow interests or preoccupation with a certain subject. I used to swim seven days a week for two hours without break. In secondary school I used to do karate. But the trainings were not enough. I went to library and studied the techniques into smallest details. I attended a competition in karate kata for beginners, where I fought with imaginary enemy (of course I didn’t like fighting with real people) and won the first place. Right after that I lost my interest in doing karate and focused on completing the secondary school and then doing the master's at the university.
Saturday, May 19, 2007 5:33:02 PM
asperger's syndrome
Tony Attwood, In Asperger's Syndrome: Intervening in Clinics, Schools and Communities, categorizes the many ways that lack of ability to read others can negatively impact the social interactions of people with Asperger's:
‘Difficulty reading the social and emotional messages in the eyes - those with AS don't look at eyes often, and when they do, they can't read them.’ I always used to watch people’s lips instead. When I force myself to look at eyes of the other person, I feel uneasy.
‘Making literal interpretation - AS individuals have trouble interpreting colloquialisms, sarcasm, and metaphors.’ I have to be sure about things to know how they are meant. If there is a small chance of different meaning I am never sure if this is not the case. I rely on the probability and an analysis of the matter. I always have to think of it, analyze all possible ways it could be meant and rule out all improbable ones so I can stick with only one or two and make a guess. In most of the cases it works out well.
‘Being considered disrespectful and rude - prone to egocentric behavior, individuals with Asperger's miss cues and warning signs that this behavior is inappropriate.’ I've been in the situations, when I was told that my behavior is inappropriate, many times. Once I've been told by a friend that I say inappropriate things to shock people on purpose. I just feel like NT people live by many useless rules and I don’t understand them. I don’t know why it is so big deal for them. Some people think I am weird.
‘Becoming aware of making social errors - as children with Asperger's mature, and become aware of their inability to connect, their fear of making a social mistake, and their self-criticism when they do so, can lead to social phobia.’ After every single sentence I said loud out, I used to retell it in my head word by word analyzing if there was anything I said in inappropriate manner. Then, when I thought that I didn’t put something right, I tried to correct myself, but the people found it strange that I do that. Even if it was inappropriate they didn’t plan on telling me, they were ready to drop it right away so they didn’t understand why I was bringing it up again.
‘Differences in speech - they display less speech intonation than neurotypical persons. Their speech may be perceived as "flat". However, those with AS also possess superficial fluency in day-to-day conversation.’ I don’t easily become excited about anything so I have no reason to show the excitement in my speech. Moreover, I am controlling myself how I use the words so there is actually no space for putting in any intonation.
‘Managing conflict - being unable to understand other points of view can lead to inflexibility and an inability to negotiate conflict resolution. Once the conflict is resolved, remorse may not be evident.’ I learned not to persuade the others about my point of view. I let people think whatever they want. Many times I just agree with the other people although I may have different point of view. I don’t find it worthy presenting and discussing it. When I was younger I used to argue about my point of view without a space to negotiate, though.
‘Awareness of hurting the feelings of others - a lack of empathy often leads to unintentionally offensive or insensitive behaviors.’ I just don’t see why some things should be taken so personally. I know that people may be sensitive about some subjects but I have to learn that by experience from person to person. Sometimes I do hurt the feelings of others, because I don’t see how it would hurt my feelings. And again, I don’t understand why it should be so big deal for NT people.
Saturday, May 19, 2007 5:32:07 PM
asperger's syndrome
‘Repairing someone's feelings - lacking intuition about the feelings of others, people with AS have little understanding of how to console someone or how to make them feel better.’ The last time I had an argument with a person, who found me unfriendly, was when a friend of mine was staying with his wife in my apartment for couple of months. They came from abroad and needed to stay somewhere, so lived in my place. After I came home, I saluted them and went into my room to read a book while they were doing their own business. While reading the book in my bed I fall asleep. The next day morning I woke up and left the apartment without telling them I am leaving. The door at their room was closed so I just didn’t see why to bother them. After few days like this he felt hurt that I behave like I am not his friend. He started telling me all the things that he found unfriendly and I didn’t understand why he should be taking it so personally. For example, one of the things he didn’t like was when we walked together on a sidewalk and I walked on its other side farther from him. I didn’t even know what he was talking about. I certainly didn’t mean to hurt him or behave unfriendly. Only after he told me about the things he didn’t like, although I didn’t admit that I agreed with his point of view, I could control myself and not do them for the sake of our friendship. So I started telling him good night before going to bed.
‘Recognizing signs of boredom - inability to understand other people's interests can lead AS persons to be inattentive to others. Conversely, people with AS often fail to notice when others are uninterested.’ Usually, I don't talk much. And since for an aspie the interaction with people is more difficult, I don’t have many chances to get into such situation. Moreover, at my age I learned from books to read body language on conscious level and therefore sometimes, if it happens, I am able to find it out. Although, I was told more times that I stare at people. And it's just that I am trying to read them. I am actually worried that what I am talking about is not interesting for the people and trying to say the words very quickly, so I don’t bother them for long. Therefore many times people don’t understand what I say, because I talk too quickly. I just cannot read if they are interested in what I am talking about or not. Thus, I suspect the worst.
‘Introspection and self-consciousness - individuals with AS have difficulty understanding their own feelings or their impact on the feelings of other people.’ Naturally, if I don’t know how to read the feelings of others, I don’t know if the other people can read my feelings. I know now they can do it better, because I have read about it. Mostly, I don’t even have feelings in situations where NT people are full of them. I don’t create opinions about many things, unless it is good for something to have my own opinion. If I have difficulty understanding my own feelings, I find easier to suppress them. I've learned how to do that on command.
‘Lack of appreciation of humor - although they may grasp jokes at an intellectual level, and rarely even excel at making jokes, they fail to appreciate its emotional worth. Sometimes, their smiles and laughter may appear unnatural.’ I need to find logic in the joke. So I cover the lack of ability to appreciate the joke by asking stupid questions about the logic of the little story in the joke. It is supposed to be funny. Many times I just ask if it continues, if that was the end, so I don’t have to laugh. I find some things funny that others find offensive.
Saturday, May 19, 2007 5:30:58 PM
asperger's syndrome
‘Clothing and personal hygiene - people with AS tend to be less affected by peer pressure than others. As a result, they often do what is comfortable and are unconcerned about their impact on others.’ To be comfortable is most important in clothing, since people with AS have sensory issues. I don’t wear any jewelry or watches, no body art, which is supposed to be an external part of my body for prolonged period of time. I usually wear simple white t-shirt. Even sleeping under blanket is uncomfortable. The bed-sheets and the cover are uncomfortable. That’s one of the reasons why to fall asleep takes me at least an hour and I also change the sleeping positions many times during the night. I also have hard time to overcome the unsettling feeling when I put on the sun glasses. Specially when I was small, I lied down on the floor with the glasses on and tortured myself to leave them on until I got used to it.
‘Reciprocal love and grief - since people with AS have difficulty emotionally, their expressions of affection and grief are often short and weak.’ I have never been in love in my entire life. AS has often been considered to be incompatible with love. That’s what bothers me most. Am I going to live my life without knowing what it is like to be in love? First of all, I need to revere the person for his/her personality to appreciate the company. I take these things strongly from the logical point of view. What is the point of being in grief if I cannot change what happened? The grief goes away, eventually. It’s only our choice if it is going to last years, days, or seconds.
‘Lack of participation in chitchat - they are not generally interested in, and do not participate in idle chat and gossip.’ Once I heard my schoolmates at the university gossiping somebody I knew too. While listening to it, I realized they were right about him. But it would not strike me before I heard them talking about it. It is not that I would not know about it, but I just never saw the point of thinking about it. Actually, I find a small talk annoying. For example, I never ask people how they are. I’ve never seen the point of doing that. I see them alive in front of me; they are apparently OK, so why should I ask that? Also, I don't like being asked how I am. I don't think about how I am. My answer is always the same: "I’ve never been better". Most people after some time stop asking me how I am, since they know my answer already. However, there are some who enjoy asking me that question every time because they are happy to hear somebody so positive.
‘Preference of routine - they prefer routine work, and are not able to cope well to changes, even small ones. Such disruptions from routine can cause stress and anxiety.’ When the day is somehow special that I am supposed to perform something out of routine, I usually don’t do much work that day. If I start doing something I want to be doing it until I finish it. I hate interrupting things. Therefore I wake up at the same time of day, have lunch at the same time, and go sleep at the same time. That way it is easier to organize the day. When I lived with my parents we used to have the same kind of soup at Sundays. I didn’t like when my mother tried to change it. When I am used to something I know what to expect. When I agree with somebody to go to movies I program myself for that event. I don’t like when the person cancels the agreement, because then I have to reprogram myself again.
‘Coping with criticism - people with AS are compelled to correct mistakes, even when they are made by someone in a position of authority, such as a teacher. For this reason, they can be unwittingly offensive.’ A friend of mine told me that I am eager to correct people. I had to be apologizing for doing that, many times. I just don’t see why it should be inappropriate.
‘Formal mannerisms and etiquette - their etiquette is formal, even within the family. Their speech may be interlaced with "thank you" or "please" or "good evening" more than necessary.’ I do that all the time. People I know for years asked me to be less formal with them.
Saturday, May 19, 2007 5:27:02 PM
asperger's syndrome
There are some co-existing conditions such as depression or anxiety. I did have hard time to get used to the more lonely life. But in comparison to other AS people who have to be, because of the co-existing problems, on medication I do quite well. I have no problems currently. I consider life to be beautiful and would not like to change the way I function.
For some aspies is typical that are unable to block out certain repetitive stimuli, such as the constant ticking of a clock. The last time I slept in room of somebody else I had to ask to put the clock somewhere else, because I could not fall asleep with that sound.
I don’t like being touched, even by family members. I don’t like hand-shake either. It’s too personal. Some girls use to touch my hand while talking with me and I can’t stay still not move my hand away. The girls are special subject. I cannot make a move. I over-analyze things. I need to be sure about it to do anything and that's quite impossible in this matter. I rely on the girls to make the first step so I don’t date very often. Once I forced myself and started to talk with a Canadian girl who was sentenced by the number of her ticket to sit next to me in train from Madrid to Lisbon. So I had eight hours to come up with something. At last, I had a date with her the next day. We were alone in woods walking. Perfect situation for an aspie, there are no distractions, just that new person I didn't entirely know how to deal with. But I was doing more or less well. Then I said that I am hungry and she replied that she is tasty. It was so obvious and what was going on in my head? I thought she probably wanted me to make the move but I started to think that maybe my English is not good enough and that expression may have some other meaning I don't know about. So I didn't react. I am a Slovak so English is not my native language, but that’s no excuse. However, if I only could read her intentions on subconscious level, everything would be much easier even without her being obvious.
I never understood why I should start drinking café, alcohol or smoking cigarettes. Most people start it so they can fit among their teen friends who like to pretend they are adults and they don't even like their first glass. Since I never had this need I never started drinking alcohol. On the contrary, I never stopped drinking milk and eating cookies.
Before going to basic school, I was obsessed with numbers. I have a two years older brother. At the time my parents were preparing him to school asking him mathematical questions like how much is two hundred plus three hundred. I listened to them and the numbers started to make sense to me. I was asking questions about them and learned alone how to count the numbers up to any number from the page numbers in a book. Thanks to this obsession, before entering the basic school I knew from mathematics some things that we were taught only in third year. Although, it turned out to be disadvantage.
Apparently the AS may be difficult to live with, but many aspies experience positive outcomes, particularly those who are able to excel in areas less dependent on social interaction, such as mathematics, music, and the sciences. I have finished master's degree in computational mechanics and mathematics. Now I am in final stage of PhD where I have created software for computational modeling of articular cartilage using a special algorithm. After the PhD I wish to continue in research.
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