Lost in Paradise

I have been single for about two years now. I have had a couple "flings" with a select few women but none of them have garnered much interest. As much as I would like to believe I am 100% over my most recent ex, I'm not. We haven't communicated in about 2 months; the last act being through brief and odd facebook messages and before that we chatted about once a month. We did go through a substantial amount of time not communicating till one fateful day she resumed contact with me after she learned I was moving to Hawaii a little more than a year ago.

I don't pine for her much but whenever I think about her it always brings up mixed emotions. Some days I am comfortable with us going separate ways and on others my bitterness envelops me and I curse every single moment I spent with her. I rarely ever bring her up in conversations with friends and even when I do it's not of the "I miss her so much" variety. Yet, she is always on my mind. I have devoted countless entries in my personal journal to her existence, both good and bad.

One reason for my inability to completely move on is related to my stubbornness. I don't like being told I can't do something, especially when it is something I want. I like to do things on my own terms and obviously the break up was not my idea. I felt slighted when she dumped me. This wasn't the first time I had been dumped, however. This happened to me once before with a girl I dated before her (and lasted the same amount of time), but within 6 months of our breakup it became dust in the wind. I realized how mistreated I was in that previous relation. I can't come to the same understanding or any understanding in this most recent relation. The grieving process cycles over and over again.

I also have a slight inferiority complex in regards to her. Part of me feels like she was much better than me in every sense and I resent that. She was pretty, sweet, very intelligent, a volunteer in the community, wants to be a doctor, and I didn't live up to anything as great as her. She wasn't unabashed about it either which makes the humility of it all hurt more. I knew what I had and she knew what she had (someone that she could do better than). I had a job in investment banking at the time which has a certain sexiness to it but the reality of that job was much different. I know it's unhealthy to put someone up on a pedestal, especially your ex, but I can't lie about these impressions.

It also probably didn't help that she was two years younger than me and still in college while we dated. She is also politically a lot more conservative than me and was more religious than me. Those differences didn't daunt me. Regardless, we still had a lot in common and got a long well as friends. And that is what I want in a life partner. The sex and the pure physical attraction isn't going to exist 30 - 40 years into a marriage. I want to be with someone that I can share my life with. I felt like the religious and political differences were entirely superficial, and at the root of our beliefs and values we still wanted the same thing. (Ok I'll stop trying to justify the relationship, sounds a bit too whiny)

I thought moving out to Hawaii would clean the slate for me but it hasn't. Her presence follows me; lingering in the recesses of my mind. If by some earth shattering event she wanted to get back together with me, I don't know what I would say. I don't even know why I contemplate the notion, it just illustrates that I am not over her, and it sucks.

People like to use the cliche that everything happens for a reason and I hate hearing that. Since January 2007 I have been looking for a silver lining and still find the conclusions opaque. If I were to look at the bright side of all this it would be that I have found what I want in relation. But being of a single status now it only intensifies my displeasure.

I have heard that good things come to those wait, but do good things come to those who dream? Since 2002 I have lived in a variety of places; Pennsylvania, Florida, North Carolina, a summer in South Carolina, Virginia and currently Hawaii. Maybe it has become a habit of mine to keep moving from place to place. I can't seem to find myself settling down anywhere, but I want to. Each place has its own flaws. The first 22 years of my life were already written for me by my parents and the culture I was raised in. Now what? The past three years have been me searching for the next best thing.

I am not good at doing anything without a lot of practice and I need a lot more practice at being an independent adult. Maybe the twenty something years are just growing pains. I'll eventually get used to being an adult. I don't feel like an adult or know what that truly means. Adult to me is equal to responsibility. I don't have any real responsibilities other than paying bills. That isn't too hard, so I must not be an adult. Marriage, having kids, a house, and a career all sound more adult like.

For now, I want to stop dreaming. I want to give up and let life flow.

Part of the reason I decided to move out to Hawaii was to become a better surfer. My roommate here is the one who introduced the sport to me in college. My sophomore year I took a trip down to Costa Rica with him and two other guys to test my surfing capabilities, which consisted of little to nothing. Instead, I watched in awe from the beach as more experienced surfers were shredding waves stronger and larger than I expected. I never consistently surfed until the summer after my junior year of college when I spent a summer on Kiawah Island, just south of Charleston, South Carolina. I bought a surfboard and began plying my trade on ankle to waist high sets. It was an easy introduction to surfing. When I returned to college I took another surf trip over fall break to the Outer Banks when the conditions were less than ideal. The waves were choppy and mushy but the people I met more than made up for the lack of waves and have become some of my best friends.

One of the great things about surfing is the companionship and kinship that follows with it. Unlike most other sports, surfing is more of a culture. When I paddle out with my friends I'm not looking to beat anyone or score any points. Surfing legend Gerry Lopez has a quote that goes "The best surfer is the one having the most fun". I'm out there appreciating the beauty that the sport has to offer. A surfer creates his own impression on the wave and that's a powerful feeling. It is almost like an art form like the way a painter wields a paintbrush on a canvas.

I grew up mainly playing traditional team oriented sports like baseball, basketball and soccer all of which have a competitive edge to them. Because it is team oriented you are only as good as the worst player on your team, unlike surfing where it is only you and the wave. I don't have to be good or competitive to enjoy surfing. Sometimes, wiping out is exhilarating enough and I find myself getting back on my board determined to tame the wave.

Unlike most sports you are at the mercy of mother nature. If you don't respect the ocean it can easily take your life away. In that respect, surfing is humbling. Your ego is checked the moment you step into the water.

In summation, I am glad to have found about this sport even later in life which I think has made me appreciate it even more.

It is 10 PM Hawaiian time. I'm not actually sure what time zone Hawaii is in. In fact, it may have it's own considering it is in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and around 2,000 miles from any continental mass. I have been living in paradise for 5 enjoyable months now working as head cashier (or what like to think of myself as) at an ono Mexican restaurant. I am no longer confined to a tiny cubicle dabbling with powerpoint, excel and crunching numbers for bankers to present to clients. I am no longer the frail ghostly apparition I was back on June 13, my last day of work in the fine city of Richmond, Virginia, also known as the River City and also known as to me the place where people come to work, join the country club and then die while sending their kids to local preppy elite private schools who will then come back after college at Hampden Sydney or Hollins to replace their fore bearers and continue the cycle while the majority of the city lays in poverty and destitution. That's the Good Ol' South for those of you that might not know.
I was a corporate slave working in finance for two strenuous years. My body and psyche had withered away. I came out of school naive like most college grads who strive for money and success. I didn't realize I'd have to give up a lot of my life to make good money. I had the job to be financially stable till the day I died and I gave it all up to move to Hawaii and work as a cashier. To be honest I didn't intend to be a cashier it just so happened that it was my first job out here. Instead of counting days of interest accrued and adding up sources and uses I make sure my drawer has the $200 I put in at the beginning of the day. Instead of answering phone calls from bond counsels and rating agencies, making sure they received all pertinent financial information, I am taking calls from loyal customers clarifying their order for a large or small chips.
It isn't much of a career but it's enjoyable, and that's the problem. I didn't graduate with a degree in economics to do this, but I don't know what sort of career to pursue that will also be enjoyable. I don't want to get sucked into living paycheck to paycheck on this exotic island. I'm a thrifty guy bordering penurious but even I want to have some financial freedom. So I'm here in Hawaii searching for my calling just like everyone else is or should (of course plenty people live each day without reflecting which is pretty sad).
So to all my local boyz and wahines good night and to all my friends left back on the east coast good morning (in a couple hours).