Turning on the Light

SO!!!!

I sent my laptop charger back to school ahead of me by accident. I have had no computer......

I am doing okay.

There have been no more problems.

I am on Risperdone .5 and back up to eighty on the Fluoxetine.

College has started up and I am on my second day of classes.

I am all moved in, and getting settled.

Sorry for not posting for so long. I needed to catch up on summer classes (I finished late) and then pack and move.

Hopefully I can be back to bi-daily postings. I marked my calendar with them xD

Thanks for reading!!!

"I AM NOT A HOARDER!!!" =D

Honestly, for years I have been somewhat worried about this. My dad is most definitely a hoarder, and my mom sometimes leaves piles of stuff around. Protruding into hall space or whatever. There are piles of clothes in my parents' room, and my dad piles newspapers and magazines around the house, claiming that he wants to eventually read them. He throws a fit if we try to get rid of stuff.

My doctor was telling me it is only a problem and that you have it if you cannot let go of your stuff; cannot throw it or give it away. Today I realized I can. I gave away eight bags of clothes to the Salvation Army and five bags of garbage plus a broken fan went to my aunt's house so that my dad would not go through them.

Yeah. My house is a bit messy. My room is worse than a man-cave. There is stuff kinda piled up and it's gotten to a point where I can no longer ignore it. I took the initiative and really cleaned today. It just got so bad that I felt like not even starting. Now that I have started the rest will be cake.

Whenever there was a piece of clothing I wanted I would say to myself, "let it go". One time there was a dress I kind of liked, but would probably not fit me anymore. I said to myself that it was so pretty, and then said, "Now it can be pretty for someone else". So, I am finally convinced I am not a hoarder. I was always a bit worried about it, but at college my room is clean. No piles or anything. Well, I feel good about that.

I would like to give a family history kind of post, but I need to study more and pack. I am going to my Nana's for the weekend, and this should be calming for me. I will not be able to post until I get back, Monday night, so that is the reason for my absence. I am sticking to this. I want it to be a helpful, learning experience, but it cannot if I do not stay on top of it.

Today I am feeling much better. My blood tests and ultrasound came back, and I am all clear, which means that my sickness probably was caused by the increase in the Fluoxetine. :/

At least I am feeling well.

Well, I am off~

Today I would like to talk about this article from Mik Furie.

In this world there are people who help themselves, and people who blame their problems on everyone else. It gets to a point where it does not matter what is wrong with you or how it happened; it is what it is, now get over it and fix it. Babying the problem and bending your life to conform to a screwed-up rationale is not the way to go. You will not, ultimately, be happy.

In the article that Mik's page talks about there is the story of the lady who says she needs to orgasm so many times a day. That is just bullshit. That is clearly a problem. That would interfere with your life-- Unless you're maybe a hooker..... ;;

I have a brother who blames everything on everyone else. If he miscalculates times and activities, messes up simple tasks, and can never be wrong.

He is wearing on my last nerve.

One of my aunts keeps saying to try to deal with him because he has issues. Well everyone has issues. And I have much less sympathy for people who do not try to help themselves. I should not have to cater to you if you will not be respectful, at least. Yeah, I was not always a prize, either, but at least I stay respectful.

Anyways, back to the article:

Clean writes an interesting story. I think it is good. I do not what it is like to be a washer, because I am not (more of a counter..), but the ways the thoughts run through the mind are very similar. If you do not have OCD (or even if you do) you should go check it out!!!!!

Again, my thanks to Mik

Med update:

Yesterday I visited a good friend, and had a talk about everything! IT was a lot of fun, and his birthday!! I bought him a litre of Coke and had lunch with him... He gave me a boxed copy of Oblivion!!!! He says it always kills his depression. Talking to him and my aunt (who I am now mad at though lol) I most likely have some. I'm pushing myself to to do things.....WHEEE!!! .....Sooooo enthusiastic

Tonight I played some guitar and kkwaenggwari! Drums have gotten me through so much. Honestly, I'm a real rhythm person. One of the reasons why drumming is so great to me is because it is rhythmic and certain. I know what will happen and I count the beats. It's calming to me..

I am also not eating. Today all I had was a Chipoltle burrito, slim piece of cake, and a plum. Oh, and I'm draining a Sprite, now

But, yeah. That's prolly not good. I am still the same weight, I do not know how. My metabolism sucks. I cannot lose weight... (NOT that I would EVER endorse losing weight in an unhealthy manner!!! I am serious.)

Anyway, I need to go. I have an exam to study for. Thank you for reading~

. . . . .Okay. Maybe I'm not the BEST, but I'm certainly not the worst. // Yes. I take that as a good thing. Hey; as long as I'm not last. Ah, yes. Driving is today's topic....

When I drive I legitimately scare some people. Okay, many people. ;; Now, let's talk about some of the scary things I do while driving...

Me driving is actually the first thing that tipped off my younger brother to the fact that I could have OCD. He had been previously diagnosed and said he thought he saw me doing similar things while I drive. This scares him, because I do not put my full attention to the road. (Which, if you've read my other posts is almost impossible, anyways...) A few of my close calls have been due to my compulsions, I will admit. This honestly frightens my brother.

My boyfriend is more scared of the speeds I favor. I tend to go a bit over the legal speed limit, and my boyfriend cringes and braces himself, constantly. One time when I was driving back to college with my mom, brother, friend, and Nana, I had been driving and my friend, brother, and Nana sat in the backseat saying the 'Our Father' as I made my way towards the highway.

My brother feels that at least half of my crashes etc could have been avoided if only I didn't submit to my compulsions while driving.

Funny story..! I apparently actually had my mom convinced I was looking in the mirrors instead of trying to look at lights for a few years, now. She thought I was trying to be safe! I was trying to be safe-- Just trying to save myself from the inner torment, instead of being safe on the road, as she thought...

Driving has always had that added level of difficulty for me. I will, now, admit to being a bit distracted. Probably more so than people originally thought. It probably is not the safest. I hope to remedy this and become a "good driver", as people term it. I would like people to enjoy being in the car with me, instead of dread the 'experience'.

I do have one friend, from home, who loves to drive with me. She calls it 'exciting'. Personally, I like her opinion.

Tomorrow I get to drive my dad's shiny new Jeep so he can get the Mercedes fixed. Hope I do well!!

Now, for the evening med update:

Yesterday I was feeling pretty alone. It passed, though, and I do not think that is anything lasting. Recently, I have been eating a bit less and there are fewer foods that appeal to me. My mom says that lower doses of Fluoxetine can make you gain weight (No one ever told em that!!), while higher doses, like mine, can make you lose weight. We are going to need to keep an eye on this. I am always up for weight-loss, but I believe it should be done in a healthy manner, not because I cannot physically eat.

I also learned that the average person who takes Prozac for depression takes between twenty and forty milligrams. I am at a much higher dose. My brother told me that they told him it would probably not make a difference until he was up in the hundreds. This honestly scares me somewhat. Is there really that much wrong with me...?

Also, a word on Fluoxetine/Prozac. Fluoxetine is the generic version of Prozac, and I really despise the fact that I am not on 'Prozac'. It just sounds too much like a depression medicine to me (mainly because it IS), and I do not know how to explain it, but it makes me feel bad. It makes me sad and feel like somewhat of a failure.

Which I know is not true! I have had several friends with clinical depression and bi-polar, etc, and that is just what it is. I guess I just never knew how hard it was to be on this stuff until it happened to me. It is always harder when it is you, because as I said the other day, this is the worst thing YOU have gone through. Empathy is always more comfortable than experience.

I don't know. The feeling of being on an anti-depressant/mood-stabilizer somewhat depresses me. I felt really alone yesterday. I knew I was being bitchy, too. I hanged up on my boyfriend a bit because I just felt too crappy to talk to people; the effort was just blah. I thought I was gonna cry. I drowned it out with NCIS.

But, seriously, I haven't had a day that bad in a while. I hope that is not a side effect... Well, we will find out.

So, this is day two, and I have missed writing... There is something purely therapeutic to me about banging out my thoughts and letting them just flow.

Today I would like to talk about my mind. It is a bit hyperactive. I have never liked this, but, lately, I have begun to see where it might be cool if I can get a better handle on it. Allow me to explain:

My mind is always running. It counts, tracks, plays music, etc. There is always a song in my head. I cannot stop that; it just happens automatically and I cannot make it go away. It is extremely annoying and sometimes can make it almost impossible to concentrate. I have always liked working whilst listening to music because it allows me to not have to entertain deciphering the other tunes in my head. If I can hear at least one song, I can usually focus on the one, or else commit it to background noise. If there is dead silence, I am stuck only with the noise from within.

The music is the worst of it, but I usually end up repeating, turning over, pondering, or worrying about conversations, audio excerpts, slogans, billboards, licenses, excerpts from books, or even just words over and over. Always there is a plethora of thoughts; never just one, either.

I am also constantly preoccupied with the things around me. I feel compelled to read all text, hear all noises, process all visuals, and experience everything I have not. While I am having a regular conversation I am probably also looking at lights, counting something(s), or figuring out which fan is spinning faster. I can quickly tell how many spinning blades a fan has. This seems like a stupid trick, but I have spent enough time staring at them when I was bored as a kid. Church was always fans and pews. And lights. I have always had this weird thing where I look at lights. Or I do not look at them. Whatever feels 'right'. I am obsessed with feeling 'right'. And I almost never do.

Thoughts are always running through my head an I over-analyze EVERYTHING. I replay my decisions and predict what-ifs. A long time ago, I made the decision to try to stop looking back and trust my judgments and decisions. In the end, I always justify them by telling myself that is what was right for me at that point in time with the information I had, and the feelings I felt. This usually helps to calm me.

Moving along..... I could talk about that stuff for hours on end; in fact I have with close friends and family. But the point of today's post is that I have realized it may be a good thing. It is something that not everyone has and if I can learn to control it, I can probably operate at a better level. If I could focus all of this extra brainpower to productive things, then I could accomplish more and do better work. Or at least I think. Brainpower cannot counteract lazy, after all. I think I have the motivation, though, so I will work through it.

The Med Update for today is not much. I still feel the same. I tap, clap, I stomp my feet-- Sign me up for some half-baked dance group, already! I'm sure I could be an asset....

* * * * *

Some updates on this blog:

I have added a poll to get some info from my readers, if there are any, haha! I will be changing it bi-weekly.

I have put up a link!! There is only one so far, but I will compile OCD resources for anyone who wants/needs them.