Turning on the Light

"Two steps forward; one step back."

For me it's more like forty steps forward, twenty steps back. :/ Well, let's start from the beginning:

My appetite has been gone, as I have previously mentioned. Every night for dinner I have been refusing food because I feel nauseous around it. Then, Wednesday morning, after I had finished half of my tea, I sucked in a sharp, violent breath, and doubled over from a dense, searing pain in the upper left side of my stomach area. My head also had hurt since I woke up, but I ignored it, deciding the dull pain would not bother me much. It was different: Not a migraine or anything like that.

When I got to class the burning was getting worse. It went on and off. It felt like when you get burned with hot water. First it feels cold, then way too hot.

During class I felt kind of loopy, and as time went on, I looked at my notes and realized they were more illegible than usual. I could not even read some of the words. Halfway through writing a word I would forget how to spell it. I was shaking. I could not move correctly. MY arms and legs felt like they were bound and weighed a hundred pounds a piece. My head was swimming with the usual background noise, but I was unable to focus on anything. I could barely understand what th professor was saying.

I stumbled out of class and went into the stairwell. I called my mom and got a hold of her after a while. I stuttered a bit and was then shaking worse. I told her I did not know what, but something was not right. Something was very wrong. And there was no way I was going to be able to drive safely.

The oddest part is that I did not feel nervous or anything. I was totally, completely calm. Placid like a lake. I was so very out of it.

I managed to get to the parking lot and meet my Nana and she took me to see the doctor. They examined me, did a piss-test, and some blood tests. They still are not entirely sure what was wrong of me. I went back there today, and also called my specialist.

Yes. They think this was at least partially caused by the sharp increase in my Fluoxetine. The jump from forty to eighty was too much for my body to handle at once. I am not down to sixty.

So, besides feeling like crap, I feel like a went forward, and am now getting pushed back. My dose is going to have to get up high, and I may start a 0.1 mg dose of Risperdal, as well. I feel like going bck down after I have been up for a little over a week is like moving in the wrong direction. I am only home for three-four more weeks, and I want to get all the meds under control before I go back to college.

Anyways, I am still not feeling right, and am not the happiest person at the moment.

Today my head is pounding, my appetite is back, I ate too much and vomited, and my stomach still sears. Oh. I also learned that if you try to swallow puke, it just comes out your nose instead. Isn't that special??

Well. I've still got my humor.

And now I need to catch up on some other stuff and go study for the exam, today, I missed. Hope everyone is well.

Let's get this shithead a stress-ball!!

I think that's the approach I'll take from now on....

The past two days I have been staying away from home, at my Nana's, were there is no internet access, so I am combining two days into one. Cool, right?

Med update first today!

I have been having a bad stomach and eating less. We are continuing to monitor this.

Now for the meat and bones part:

How do you distinguish between boredom and depression?

I have not done much lately, for a while, now, because I just do not feel like it. I try and sleep a lot, but sleepless nights plague me. I wake up every few hours once I finally manage to get to sleep, and am exhausted during most've the day. It sucks.

My boyfriend thinks I a just bored; my mom thinks it could be slight depression. The two of them are really the only ones who know everything about me. (Well, my best friend knows a bit, too. ) I was telling my boyfriend, a few minutes ago, that what scares me is not wanting to do anything, and that not particularly bothering me. I just want to sleep, and I can't. And I don't feel like people need me or really want me, either.

My exact words were that "even I would not want to be stuck with me". I'm such a fucking needy person, and I don't want to let anyone in to see the true depth of it, because I feel like it will scare them and make them like me even less.

Wow. I'm one big bag of crazy.

Well, I've filled the med update requirement, and I have written some other stuff....Which I really would really rather not rehash right now, and do not have an answer to. So I will say goodnight.

Today is the first day I have been on eighty milligrams of Fluoxetine. I have been taking forty mgs for the past eleven weeks, and it is not cutting it.

I will be starting behavioral therapy in August and we are trying to get my meds adjusted to a dose where I can function optimally.

My mind is constantly going, going, going, and I need it to slow down. There are always numerous songs, soundbites, thoughts, problems, etc, continuously floating around in there. This leaves little space for me to concentrate on the important things.

Well, I suppose I should start out by describing my flavor of OCD. It was explained to me, by my doctor, as more on the 'compulsive' side. This means I do weird things like look at lights, tap my fingers and feet, kick stairs, click my teeth, and make snorting noises. The kind of OCD I have is more 'tick-like' than the classic 'OMG I NEED TO WASH MY HANDS AND ORGANIZE!!!!!!'-type. I do like certain things organized according to me personal rules, but I can compensate with the other rituals I end up compulsively running through, instead.

Whenever I really want to stop myself I dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands. I am beginning to get permanent red marks, there. It is time I took a full-out approach. My habits bother me, especially since I have realized the full extent to which OCD is a part of my life. But, anyways, I will talk more about that in the future. For now, let’s deal with what happened today:

Today I received The OCD Workbook in the mail. I cannot remember off the top of my head who the authors are, or what the real title and edition of it are, but I will post them up tomorrow.

So far, since I first started taking the Fluoxetine, back in March, I believe, my side effects have been very mild. (So has the effect been miniscule…) But, yesterday, I learned that apparently Fluoxetine is actually a stimulant; so I should not drink much coffee until the meds' effect on me is determined. I am taking summer classes and every morning I go out and buy a cup of dark, rich, bold coffee.

This morning I had 'half-caff'. It sucks. It tastes like cat piss. (Not that I would personally know... )

Well, that is a minor casualty for a solid goal. There will probably be more to come, but it will be okay.

Overall, today all of my symptoms are here and seem like they will not go away. I know that they will lessen if I work for that, but it is not a short-term goal.