. . . . .Okay. Maybe I'm not the BEST, but I'm certainly not the worst. // Yes. I take that as a good thing. Hey; as long as I'm not last. Ah, yes. Driving is today's topic....
When I drive I legitimately scare some people. Okay, many people. ;; Now, let's talk about some of the scary things I do while driving...
Me driving is actually the first thing that tipped off my younger brother to the fact that I could have OCD. He had been previously diagnosed and said he thought he saw me doing similar things while I drive. This scares him, because I do not put my full attention to the road. (Which, if you've read my other posts is almost impossible, anyways...) A few of my close calls have been due to my compulsions, I will admit. This honestly frightens my brother.
My boyfriend is more scared of the speeds I favor. I tend to go a bit over the legal speed limit, and my boyfriend cringes and braces himself, constantly. One time when I was driving back to college with my mom, brother, friend, and Nana, I had been driving and my friend, brother, and Nana sat in the backseat saying the 'Our Father' as I made my way towards the highway.
My brother feels that at least half of my crashes etc could have been avoided if only I didn't submit to my compulsions while driving.
Funny story..! I apparently actually had my mom convinced I was looking in the mirrors instead of trying to look at lights for a few years, now. She thought I was trying to be safe! I was trying to be safe-- Just trying to save myself from the inner torment, instead of being safe on the road, as she thought...
Driving has always had that added level of difficulty for me. I will, now, admit to being a bit distracted. Probably more so than people originally thought. It probably is not the safest. I hope to remedy this and become a "good driver", as people term it. I would like people to enjoy being in the car with me, instead of dread the 'experience'.
I do have one friend, from home, who loves to drive with me. She calls it 'exciting'. Personally, I like her opinion.
Tomorrow I get to drive my dad's shiny new Jeep so he can get the Mercedes fixed. Hope I do well!!
Now, for the evening med update:
Yesterday I was feeling pretty alone. It passed, though, and I do not think that is anything lasting. Recently, I have been eating a bit less and there are fewer foods that appeal to me. My mom says that lower doses of Fluoxetine can make you gain weight (No one ever told em that!!), while higher doses, like mine, can make you lose weight. We are going to need to keep an eye on this. I am always up for weight-loss, but I believe it should be done in a healthy manner, not because I cannot physically eat.
I also learned that the average person who takes Prozac for depression takes between twenty and forty milligrams. I am at a much higher dose. My brother told me that they told him it would probably not make a difference until he was up in the hundreds. This honestly scares me somewhat. Is there really that much wrong with me...?
Also, a word on Fluoxetine/Prozac. Fluoxetine is the generic version of Prozac, and I really despise the fact that I am not on 'Prozac'. It just sounds too much like a depression medicine to me (mainly because it IS), and I do not know how to explain it, but it makes me feel bad. It makes me sad and feel like somewhat of a failure.
Which I know is not true! I have had several friends with clinical depression and bi-polar, etc, and that is just what it is. I guess I just never knew how hard it was to be on this stuff until it happened to me. It is always harder when it is you, because as I said the other day, this is the worst thing YOU have gone through. Empathy is always more comfortable than experience.
I don't know. The feeling of being on an anti-depressant/mood-stabilizer somewhat depresses me. I felt really alone yesterday. I knew I was being bitchy, too. I hanged up on my boyfriend a bit because I just felt too crappy to talk to people; the effort was just blah. I thought I was gonna cry. I drowned it out with NCIS.
But, seriously, I haven't had a day that bad in a while. I hope that is not a side effect... Well, we will find out.