Thursday, February 3, 2011 9:07:36 PM
Have you ever lost someone dear to you? Have you ever been hurt so badly that you can never imagine yourself healed and whole again? Have you ever encountered failure at some point in life, that has made you trip so hard you can still feel and see the bruises after so long? Well, my friend, you might want to read on as I share this tiny fragment of my life with you...
For so long, I have constantly prevented myself from tearing up, even on the harshest and worst situations in my life. Some people may think that crying is but all part of our life and there's nothing wrong to show your sadness and sorrow to the public, under appropriate conditions. But no, for me, I want to stay strong as always, and be the clear-headed one when everything turns awry. Anyone hardly sees me crying, if not never, but it does not mean that I never felt doing so. I weep by myself and deal with whatever hurt or loss incurred...I do not want to affect the people around me, who are obviously not related to my problems and emotional upheavals.
Self-control is the most important discipline in life. That is what my mom's dad taught them, and that is what my mom later, taught me. Temptations are vile and the only way to keep out of its reach, is to practice and master self-control, then you will succeed in many things in life. So how do I keep myself from bawling in public when a situation calls for it? People might ask why I could still keep my cool and look so calm in the outside. It is because I practice detachment.
My sorrow, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment...all of these belong to the spiritual, emotional realm of the human body, distinctly separate from the brain, where both logic and thinking take place, where the results of our actions yield a corresponding consequence. So I separate the emotions from the brain, whenever it is necessary. I tend to focus on what is happening now, than what have happened in the past that is related to the current events. I try not to reminisce about the memories I have had, in correlation to the situation I am facing at the moment. If I do, I know I will lose self-control.
Detachment makes it easier to deal with loss, pain, and everything else that comes with a negative impact on your life. It also enables you to comfort other people who might be grieving more and having to deal with much more than you are. I say, keep your cool for now or at least a few more weeks, and mourn by yourself when you feel ready to Careful that sometimes detachment causes you to forget and become cold. Get in touch with your emotional side once in a while, to remind yourself that you are still a warm-blooded human.
It also works when someone hurts you deeply and you just cannot find a way to let it go, to forgive, and forget. Detach yourself from the current situation and try to view things as an observer would. Stand back and take a look at things, as you would in front of a mirror to get a view of yourself, and you will see the light on even the darkest paths of life. So what if this person hurt you? Why should you be affected? One feels hurt when he/she chooses to be. Some people go nuts because they never seem to be able to understand the "WHY", instead of focusing on the "HOW." How should I deal with this problem? How can I make myself feel better? How should I move on with life?
I cannot say that I am completely whole, completely without problems, but practicing detachment has helped me deal with a lot of challenges I have encountered, as I walked down my own rock road of life. I have had to tread my way carefully, stepping over smaller stones, and preventing myself from tripping on the bigger ones. But life is an adventure, and that is exactly how mine will be. It is fine to trip on the first big stone, but learn to evade it the next time A life without any failures will be too plain to be called life, right?
Motto of the day: Be both a participant and an observer, you will realize that life has a lot more to offer.[/I]
Sunday, January 23, 2011 6:45:16 AM
Do I Deserve This?
[/COLOR]Winter was exceptionally harsh
Even though there was no snow
The cold seeps through my skin
Ang lingers on my breath and heart
Every night under the blanket
Tears lull me to sleep
Deep in my heart, I feel pain
Do I deserve this, I don't know
If I could have it the other way
Then I would have just walked away
Never would I have expected
That courage can hurt me like this
Yes, I let down my defense
Thinking that maybe this is it
But when I took the leap, I fell
And shattered myself into pieces
I heard the sound of dripping blood
I was stabbed deep in heart and soul
A wound that will always be there
A scar to remind me of the pain
I'd risk anything to mend myself
I'd give anything for a little favor
Just talk to me, don't disappear
I don't wanna be alone again
Down this rocky road of life
I'd like to have someone by me
A shoulder to lean on
And hands to hold my cold ones
The sun is shining and the snow, thick
But the sun was actually your smile
And the snow hides my frozen heart
Maybe it melts or stay the same forever
But if you want me to let go
We can go our own separate way
And hope someday we meet again
In that small cafe around the corner...
Monday, January 3, 2011 4:06:10 AM
Like a shattered piece of glass
Like a stab into the heart
I have been wounded severely
I feel my own world crumbling
How does it feel to be blamed?
To be blamed for everything?
I have never felt so blind
Everything wonderful has left me
A gust of cool breeze whirled past
Brought out the chill from inside me
I shivered in the imaginary cold
I hugged my shoulders and wept
I let the running shower wash through me
Then my tears would go unnoticed
Maybe the water takes away my sorrow
I wished I could just stay like this
The sharp pain from my knuckles
I felt hitting the wall was not enough
No amount of suffer can equal this
And I am left alone with no one around
Please numb me with something
I am uncertain if I can fall asleep
Then maybe I feel better after
But I doubt I could forget anything
Down to the deepest core of the earth
Is how I am feeling at this moment
Trapped in my own little world of pain
I want to break free but I can't
The new year has not brought me new hopes
The new year has not brought me more joy
Three hundred sisty four more days
Am I patient enough to wait for 2012 to come?
I don't know, but I really wish I do
Did freedom come with such a big sacrifice?
I want to end this right now, I've had enough
I will live my life from now on, but how?
Thursday, January 3, 2008 6:11:39 AM
This morning, I received a phone call from one of my close friends, Nikko, that immediately changed this bright sunny day into a dark terrible pit of endless sorrow. On the other side of the phone, he was choking. I knew right away that something is wrong and I listened to him tell me the rest of the story. He told me that Diane's, my best friend, her dad had passed just passed away, at the strike of 12:00 on January 03, 2008.
I didn't know what to say. I can't believe it. I just saw him months ago, all healthy and happy. Nikko told me that Diane had written everything about her dad on her blog, so I jumped right up from bed and got to her blog instantly. Her blog, always so cheerful and nice, is suddenly filled with sorrow and grief. Nothing there changed, but I can feel the atmosphere...I then started reading her post.
I know that she must have been writing with tears streaming down her cheeks, with eyes so red from the sleepless night and tears, and with a heart so painful and regretful that even I hurt knowing how she feels, and yet, she wrote the post, full of determination and will, of strength and love. She showed no sign of weakness, no sign of retreat. She regretted that she didn't notice how her father was feeling before the sudden stroke attacked him on his sleep. But my dear friend, it is never your fault. It will only make you even more painful if you think that way, and I'm sure you're dad wouldn't want you or your family to feel that way...I feel so sorry for her, as her close friend, that I am not able to give her my support and a shoulder to cry on, on the instant death landed on her father, because I lived so far away. But I know she will be strong. She had determined to become the pillar of support for her mom and her brother, which I'm sure she would certainly be.
Even though Diane's father is no longer physically present, I am sure that his memories, would always be with his family, providing them support and strength to live the lives that he wanted them to have. He will always be watching out for his family, and silently praying for their safety and wellness. I give Diane my deepest condolence for her loss of her most beloved one. I will pray for her dad to rest in peace and for God to help her family to get through the harshest period time destiny has landed upon them.
Upon knowing about this bad news, I felt so bad. Even my mom was shocked by the news. I have known Diane and her family ever since we're in primary school. On what destiny has vested upon them, I can't but feel sad and sorry about it. Destiny can be really harsh sometimes, taking away someone or something you have learned to love and rely on. An instant death like Diane's father is the most sorrowful. Destiny didn't even give his family the chance to say their last goodbyes.
Diane wanted everyone to cherish their loved ones and do not wait until it's already too late, because then, even remorse would not help relieve your pain if something happens to them. Tell them you love them, let them know how you feel, before its too late.